by Mike Jack, Staff Writer
Team Canada is always the favourite to win any international hockey tournament.
It’s always a shock when they lose.
On Sunday, however, Ilya Kovalchuk’s overtime goal defeated Team Canada 5-4 in the 2008 IIHF World Men’s Championship Final.
Is this merely one phase of an elaborate Russian take over in hockey? Are hockey’s greatest players now Russian? Is the new Russian Super League going to become the new NHL? Is Elisha Cuthbert a Canadian working for the Russian government in an attempt to destroy Canadian hockey from within? Is Canada doomed?
This season Alexander Ovechkin became the first Russian born player to ever win the NHL scoring title (112 pts). Another Russian, Evgeni Malkin, was second in league scoring with (106 pts). Ovechkin not only won the Art Ross Trophy as the NHL’s top point scorer, he also won the Maurice Richard Trophy as the NHL’s top goal scorer and is nominated for the Hart Trophy as the NHL’s Most Valuable Player along with Malkin. Not only did two Russian’s dominate the forward ranks this NHL season, goaltender, Evgeni Nabokov is also nominated for the Vezina Trophy as the NHL’s Best Goalie. I’m betting Canadian, Martin Brodeur snags the prize from Nabokov, but who knows what debaucheries the Russian’s may uncoil to defeat Canada once again.
Speaking of NHL Trophy Nominees and Russian debauchery, why wasn’t Norris Trophy nominated defenseman, Dion Phaneuf, playing for Team Canada in the IIHF World Men’s Championship? Phaneuf could have been a part of Canada’s team since the Flames were eliminated by the Sharks on April 22 and the tournament began on May 2. Instead of honouring an opportunity to represent his country, Phaneuf was seduced away to Hawaii by Canadian temptress, Elisha Cuthbert. Are the Russian’s paying Cuthbert to tear Canadian hockey players away from Canada?
Cuthbert also has a history with NHLer Sean Avery. Sean Avery, a native of Pickering, Ontario, has said that he’ll never play for a Canadian Team, because he didn’t like the response the Canadian media gave after he made racial slurs to Georges Laraque, who is black. A month before that incident, Avery was given a warning by the NHL after they saw an interview where Avery said French-Canadian, Denis Gauthier, was “typical of most French guys in our league with a visor on” and that French-Canadians "don't back anything up." I wouldn’t be surprised if Cuthbert brainwashed Avery to hate Canada so much that the unrestricted free agent signs with the Russian Super League next season.
The Russian Super League’s Vityaz Chekhov has already signed Canadian tough guy, Chris Simon, this week. In 15 NHL seasons, Simon had 1824 penalty minutes and holds the NHL Record for longest suspension (30 games for stomping on a leg) and is also tied for second longest suspension (25 games for slashing to the face). Perhaps Simon left the NHL because he felt he had accomplished all he could in the NHL and wants to now pursue suspension records in a new league.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
RUSSIA DEFEATS CANADA IN HOCKEY: IS IT CUTHBERT'S FAULT?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
PLAYOFF BEARD: SEAN AVERY IN HOSPITAL
by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field
Sean Avery in hospital won't put a stop to the joking.
The N.Y. Daily News is reporting that the New York Rangers agitator, the greatest performance artist Manhattan has seen who didn't work in Greenwich Village, was taken to hospital last night, "unconscious and not breathing" with a lacerated spleen. The denials have come fast and furious, which just makes you wonder if Avery, shades of Andy Kaufman, figured the only stunt he hadn't pulled was to fake his own death.
No doubt a few puckheads seethed, "I hope he dies." Avery tends to push people's buttons that way. Avery isn't the first NHL player to suffer a serious spleen injury. Hall of Famer Doug Harvey, the greatest defenceman in the 30 years between Eddie Shore and Bobby Orr, once got injured so badly that a priest was called in to administer the last rites. Still, it does give pause when you read it, and it makes you think about how people receive Sean Avery.
This is the one guy in a blinkered, old-boys-club sport, run by killjoys for killjoys who actually understands that a pro athlete in 2008 is an entertainer. Alex Ovechkin, the Russian superstar on the Washington Capitals, seems to understand this on some level. He's there to get a reaction.
Anyone else gets a serious spleen injury, it's like, "he's gonna be OK." With Avery, it's like, "Hey, maybe he'll die! And he's 28 years old, same age as Heath Ledger! Eerie."
Point being, there's genuine concern since Avery's act is so enjoyable. He is smart enough to know that he's not getting paid boatloads of cash for what he can do with a six-ounce piece of rubber while skating 30 miles per hour. He's got a great shtick going, and we should cherish him for that.
The obvious contrast is Sidney Crosby. The Kid might be the greatest since Gretzky, but he's also about as appealing as dry white toast (plus, he's a whiner). Girls think he's cute and kids wear Pittsburgh Penguins jerseys, but for the 30-something frustrated former benchwarmers, Sean Avery is the guy.
All of his off-ice enthusiasms -- dating starlets, showing up in a Manhattan madam's little black book, interning at Vogue -- have the quality of being extraordinarily self-aware, like Madonna back in the day. Avery's done very well at getting more mileage out of his name than his otherwise ordinary talent would ever get him.
At the end of the day, they need him. He's showing everyone that's it's just a game, and he keeps the self-important TV and radio talkers in Canada in clover.
Here's hoping he's OK. Hockey without Sean Avery would just be too boring.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
CHALK ANOTHER ONE UP FOR AVERY
by Isaac, The World of Isaac
He might be a D-list hockey player but Sean Avery still seems to pull some wild tail. The latest rumor about him is his exploits with Kingpin prostitute Ashley Dupre.
I'm not even sure why he's denying it at this point. Who cares! When he retires from the NHL, he'll be know more for the woman he banged than the crappy fights he gets in.
And just to review, here is the women Avery has supposedly been with. The World of Isaac decides if they are hittable or not.
Mary-Kate Olsen
I can't even tell the difference between her and her dumb-ass sister. Outside of this pic, all the other ones of them look like stick figures with painted on faces. I remember when people were actually excited that the Olsen twins were turning 18...
Seems like long ago......
VERDICT: Hittable only if you enjoy crack whores
Lake Bell
Um yeah? Who is this chick? I had to wikipedia her name. Supposedly, she was on Boston Legal and supposedly none of the Carnival Readers will get a boner over her.
VERDICT: Take her home for your parents but not for a one-night stand
Elisha Cuthbert
Pictures speak louder than words. If you need to take a 5 minute "bathroom break" after looking at these, feel free
VERDICT: Like I needed to ask
Rachel Hunter
She's 38 so she's right at that age where you'd consider it. Yea, she's pushed out two kids but she was a supermodel back in the day.
VERDICT: If you're in the mood for a cougar, have at it.
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