MY KID CAN BEAT UP YOUR KID

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Nine-year-old little leaguer Jericho Scott was told by the Youth Baseball League of New Haven that he was pretty good at pitching. Too good, in fact.

The kid's fastball tops out at 40 mph. You don't bench your secret weapon. So when his coach decided to put him on the hill anyway Saturday -- in front of protesting folks who wanted to see Jericho's stuff -- the other team packed up their gear and headed home like a bunch of sissies. Then, Jericho's mom flipped out.

"I feel sad," Jericho said. "I feel like it’s all my fault nobody could play."

The league of eight teams has decided to disqualify little Jericho’s team and split the other children up among the other squads. They've also, in addition to being total assholes, offered to refund the $50 sign-up fee to unhappy parents.

The kid has never beaned anyone, but parents and league officials are concerned about the possibility... because they're sissies, just like their bratty kids, who suck at baseball.

If you think our pal Jericho is being unfairly targeted, contact the New Haven mayor's office and complain.

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RALPH

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

To your right is a photo of what it feels like to hear the words "Brett Favre" these days.

The news has gone from bad to worse to down-right irritating. In fact, I'm pretty sure I can't fucking take it anymore. If I hear his name one more time, I'm going to go postal and likely lose my job... that I'm working really hard at, at the moment.

Anyway -- if all goes as planned today -- have a good time with my former favorite athlete in the entire world, of all time, in the history of ever, Tampa Bay New York. I no longer want to have his babies.

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BRETT FAVRE IS PISSING ME OFF

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball


I've never wanted to vomit more in my life than I do right now. In fact, I'd like to punch myself in the face to relieve the inexplicable irritation caused by this Brett Favre bullshit. On a scale of one to ten on how retarded this whole situation is, I'm gonna go with eleventeen.

All this nonsense about Favre contacting Vikings coach Brad Childress and offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell "repeatedly" with the intentions -- not to say 'Hello, how is the weather in Minnesota?' -- but to try to strike a deal in which he dons the gayest color of the rainbow, is the icing on the cake that is what used to be my sanity.

Granted, Bevell and Favre are fishin' buddies, but Childress is a tard and I'm pretty sure he and Favre don't hang out.

Blah blah tampering, blah blah Ravens, blah blah reinstatement.

Packers training camp opens on Monday. They have five days to figure out this bullshit before I officially flip out. I'm sure they're going to take it to the brink on Sunday just to piss me off, too. Then there's the possibility Favre holds out, in which he will be fined $15,000 a day.

Don't get me wrong. I am madly in love with #4. I've worn the same jersey every season since I was 14. But God, this is stupid. I'm pissed at the entire organization, from top to bottom... I hope he goes to play for the Jets or some other sucky team so we can enjoy our 6-10 season in peace.

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NICE HIT, BABY

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Congratulations to Texas Rangers backstop Taylor Teagarden on...

• nailing his first big league hit on Sunday.


• enjoying the badassery of that hit being a solo homer.


• totally almost killing a baby with it.


• but instead hitting the dumb broad WHO BROUGHT HER BRAND SPANKIN' NEW BABY TO SIT IN THE FRONT ROW OF THE OUTFIELD SEATS AT A BASEBALL GAME right in the leg.

Though, to be fair, Carlos Gomez timed his jump like it was his first day at outfielders camp. Good thing there aren't any butterflies inside the Metrodome.

In other news, the ESPYs are gayer than Taylor Teagarden's name.

The end.

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THE CRAPTASTICNESS OF JOHN DALY

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball


I think we can all agree that John Daly is pretty awesome at sucking at golf. However, he managed to hang on tight to an even-par 72 during the opening round of the BMW International Open on Thursday. Somehow.

No, he's not that bad. He just seems to have trouble with hills. And water. And hitting the fairway. With two double bogeys, a bogey and two birdies between the 13th and 18th holes, everyone else in this tournament must suck, too.

"I am hitting better than I am scoring," Daly said.

Oh my gosh, that's my line!

Daly still holds the tourney's record for biggest asshole lowest score with a 27-under 261 from 2001. Those were the days, hey.

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YOU COULD POKE AN EYE OUT!

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Dangerous projectiles in the big leagues have become more frequent with the growing popularity of maple bats.

Barry Bonds hit his controversial 73-homer season in 2001 using a maple bat, and now roughly half of all hitters prefer them to ash. The players claim they result in better performance, but according to University of Massachusetts-Lowell research, both have equal trajectory on the ball.

There are two major disparities, however. First, maples are like, $20 more expensive. Second, while ash bats crack, maple bats snap and shatter into sharp splintered pieces. This can create a potential danger for pitchers, infielders and base coaches. And I guess fans.

However, I think it creates a more exciting environment. It's like Xtreme Baseball! Where everyone who comes within 90 feet of the plate endangers their lives! This would indeed spike ticket sales, especially for those hard-to-fill seats in Dolphin Stadium.

I say, let them have maple.

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BIG HURT HOMELESS

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

What do you do with a perpetually hurt, ornery, old dog? You put him down.

That's exactly what the Toronto Blue Jays did with the angry, slumping Frank Thomas. Just a day after the Big Hurt was benched in favor of Matt Stairs, the club released the 39-year-old designated hitter.

And Thomas is livid. He claims the organization benched him to avoid his 304 plate appearances, which would have guaranteed his $10 million option for 2009.

On the other hand, Frank was batting just .167 over the first 16 games of the season, nailing three bombs with a fair number of RBIs at 11. Meanwhile, Stairs is hitting .333 with 1 homer and 3 RBIs over 14 games.

So how shady is this move? GM J.P. Ricciardi denied Thomas' allegations, citing his poor play and little room on the roster for his dismissal.

So, where to now for the 19-year veteran? The golf course or another team?

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D II IS THE [BASKET]BALLS: THE FINALE

The Winona State Warriors have taken back the Division II basketball crown, after defeating Augusta State 87-76 Saturday.

Most of us back in Winona don't remember how or when we got home last night, but one thing we do recall is the unsettled feeling during the first half.

Buckets were dropping left and right for Augusta, who led by 12 at the break. Winona State watched the margin grow to 16 with 17:25 left to play, finding themselves climbing the same come-from-behind mountain from the two previous wins.

After a series of steals, boards and poor execution on the part of Augusta, the Warriors took the lead to 64-63 with a John Smith three-pointer at the 7:40 mark. Their biggest gap of the night came with 1:27 remaining at 82-70, but the nerves of WSU fans everywhere were sketchy.

We know it takes less than 45 seconds to lose a 7-point lead.

However, Winona State prevailed. Sophomore guard Jonte Flowers, named Most Outstanding Player of the tournament, finished with 30 points, while Smith scored eighteen. Travis Whipple contributed 13 points and Quincy Henderson netted a double-double with 10 points and 10 rebounds.

Way to go, guys!

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D II IS THE [BASKET]BALLS

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

So, in case you've been in a coma for the past three years (and if so, welcome back) Winona State is on the hunt for redemption.

The 37-1 Warriors -- who are known not for their 2006 Division II Championship or 57 consecutive wins, but for their 2007 Choke -- are on the comeback trail, having advanced to the NCAA Division II Championship game for the third consecutive year.

The previously unbeaten Bentley State led by as many as nine points in the first half Thursday night, but Winona State answered with an 18-11 second-half run with just under 14:00 left to play. Bentley knocked down seven more, but the Warriors countered with nine straight to take the lead and never look back.

Center John Smith led the scoring with 22 points and Jonte Flowers, little brother of Sweet 16-playing, Wisconsin Badgers guard Michael Flowers, added 20.

The 86-75 victory marked Winona State's 31st win in a row, while a win over Augusta State this Saturday would give the Warriors their second National Championship in three years.

These kids may not be in your office pool bracket, but they're fricking awesome to watch.

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CAN I GET A FIST PUMP?

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball


Tiger Woods said a naughty word Monday. This is indeed National news, as people are still discussing it two and three days later.

"The next time a photographer shoots an [effing] picture I'm going to break his [effing] neck," said the pissed-off phenom.

Please, baby Jesus, let Tiger Woods break someone's effing neck at the Masters next month. Pretty please?

I do feel for Tiger though. Ever have a buddy crack open an ice cold PBR on your back swing? Totally screws up your entire day.

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2008 MLB PREVIEW: MINNESOTA TWINS

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Johan who? I am so over him. Torii Hunter? Pssh. Who needs him.

Okay, not really. But I guess if they felt underpaid, that's fine. You know what's kind of lame? I have this awesome Twins calendar, and so far, the first three months have featured players who are no longer with the team. One of them was Jason Bartlett, so that didn't hurt too bad.

After a couple huge offseason trades with the Mets and Rays, the Twins are officially rebuilding. With just two players on the roster over the age of 30, and two 22-year-old starters in the rotation, you have to wonder how this team of babies will fare in 2008.

Since I'm optimistic and a total homer, I think they're going to kick ass, even though everyone else in the baseball world seems to think they'll finish third or fourth in the division behind the Tigers, Tribe and GOD FORBID the White Sox.

Sure, they have no fricking clue who will start in centerfield since things haven't gone quite as well this Spring for Carlos Gomez as hoped... and their DH-wannabe, Jason Kubel, hit all of 13 homers all season long in 2007. But there is hope!

Livan Hernandez, the projected Opening Day starter, may or may not turn out to be another Sidney Ponson fiasco. Youngster Scott Baker, who has all the potential in the world to be great, will start Game 2 of the season, which also happens to be the first game I'm hitting up.

No. 3 starter Boof Bonser lost 30 pounds in the offseason by avoiding McDonald's double quarter pounders with extra cheese. Way to go, buddy! That should increase his stamina and help him last beyond the fifth inning.

Francisco Liriano, who hasn't pitched in a regular season game for like, 18 months, has been bumped all the way down to the No. 4 spot in the rotation. I would love nothing more than to see him come back and dominate this year. Kevin Slowey, a strikeout pitcher with very little major league experience, rounds out the rotation. Minnesota-born lefty Glen Perkins, along with righties Nick Blackburn and Philip Humber could easily sneak into one of those slots if things go awry.

Let me make one thing clear: Joe Nathan is the only closer in the American League Central worth a dime. Here's hoping he fist-pumps his way to 40 saves this season. Behind him is a strong relief corps including the Neshek Shuffle, husky Dennys Reyes (funniest mugshot ever,) Juan Rincon, Matt Guerrier and Jesse Crain.

There's a spankin' new infield to look forward to, save for my Canadian Crusher, Justin Morneau at first base. Mike Lamb holds down the hot corner, while new-comers Brendan Harris and Adam Everett will tag team up the middle. Let's not forget Man Muscles Mauer squatting behind home when he's not showing off that sweet swing.

Future badass Delmon Young will start left field opposite Michael Cuddyer and his adorable dimples/cannon of an arm in right. Center is where they run into a little trouble. Gomez is having all sorts of problems making contact at the plate, batting a horrid .167 this Spring. Sparkling defense and puma-like speed just isn't going to cut it. Then again, Jason Pridie kinda sucks at baseball too, so they're just going to have to go with the lesser of two crapfests... someone needs to step up fast.

The only bench player I care to discuss is Craig Monroe, who I hope produces the bat he killed the Twins with last season, and steals the designated hitter job away from Kubel. Monroe's $3.8 million contract is not guaranteed, so they can drop him at any time if he sucks Nick Punto style.

Things to look forward to in 2008: Joe Mauer sideburns night, Dome dogs and beer, Morneau breaking his nose at least once, Cuddy's cannon, the return of Franchise, trash bag walls, Bert Blyleven's on-air shenanigans, and Gardy getting tossed. A lot.

Wow, that preview was ridiculous. Go Twins!

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IT'S BETTER TO BURN OUT THAN TO FADE AWAY

Goodbye Brett.

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I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THIS: FOR SHIZZLE

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

117 holes.

47 birdies.

2 eagles.

Tiger Woods cannot be stopped. Sunday marked his 63rd PGA Tour victory, commandeering fourth place from Arnold Palmer. You're next, Ben Hogan.

Fist pump!

Carry on.

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WHAT WOULD KIMBO DO?

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Ever find yourself feeling helpless, afraid or like you've suddenly become someone's bitch? Ask yourself, what would street-fighting, internet sensation Kimbo Slice do?

Check out Episode II here.

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THAT WAS AWESOME

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

I'm really looking forward to the Tank Abbott autobiography, which may have had its last chapter written Saturday night.

Tank and Kimbo Slice: both scary dudes who I wouldn't cross in a dark alley if I were made of steel and wielding two machetes, rumbled last night for just 43 seconds. It didn't take long for the street-fighting internet sensation, now 2-0, to hand out the piss-pounding with a few hard blows to the melon before a straight right sent the 42-year-old UFC legend face-first to the floor.

Abbott, who slid to 9-14, may or may not be retarded.

Also, lookin' good, Goldberg.

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SPYGATE: THE SEQUEL

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

After spankin' new allegations Saturday made public by the Boston Herald (citing an anonymous source) that a member of the New England Patriots' video staff recorded the St. Louis Rams' last walkthrough prior to the 2002 Super Bowl -- you know, the one the Pats won despite heavy favoritism for a Rams victory -- we all may rest assured as the team has issued a formal denial.

The anonymous source, who claimed to be close to the team that season, said that after the Patriots took a pre-game photo, a ninja-like member of their video department lurked in the shadows of the Superdome, hanging around long enough to tape the Rams' session. This camera guy then allegedly showed it to the Pats coaching staff in an attempt to give them a much-needed edge for the win.

Of course, the NFL "looked into it" and came to the conclusion that since there is no proof of any kind of video-related shenanigans, it never happened. Commissioner Roger Goodell, or just "Rog" as I like to call him, says there was "no indication that it benefited [New England] in any of the Super Bowl victories." A Patriots spokesperson released this persuasive statement:

"The suggestion that the New England Patriots recorded the St. Louis Rams' walkthrough on the day before Super Bowl XXXVI is absolutely false. Any suggestion to the contrary is untrue."

Well, there you have it. No one was spying on anyone. The end.

Now enjoy this sweet tune in celebration of Groundhog Day.

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THE NFL IS TRYING TO RUIN MY PLAYOFF EXPERIENCE

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Built in 1920 in LaCrosse, Wisconsin as a vaudeville theatre, the Rivoli is one of the sweetest places you'll find outside of Lambeau Field to watch a Green Bay Packers game. So it's a good thing they don't give a crap what the NFL says.

Yes, they have beer. Pitchers of beer. And amazing pizza.

Earlier this week, the NFL sent letters to three Wisconsin businesses, forbidding them to hold special screenings of its games. Of course, sports bars are excluded from this ridiculous policy, along with folks who watch their Green and Gold on a "TV commonly used in a home."

This isn't the first time the league has tried to drive the fun train out of town. In years past, they've sent cease-and-desist orders to hotels, schools, museums, theaters and yes, even churches.

Thank goodness Rivoli manager Chris Kelley is such a risk-taker! He told the LaCrosse Tribune Wednesday that since the theater hasn't been contacted yet, a free screening is still set for this Saturday when the Pack face Mike Holmgren's Seattle Seahawks.

Thanks, Mr. Kelley!

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FLORIDA BOUNTY ON TICO BAEZ

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

One of the most impressive winning streaks in the history of high school sports has come to an end.

Florida's Brandon High School wrestling program, who hadn't lost a match in 34 years, laid their national-record streak of 459 consecutive dual match victories to rest this weekend in front of more than a 1,000 fans.

No. 3-ranked Homestead South Dade took a huge 22-3 lead before Brandon bounced back within six points with just two matches to go. As S.D.H. fans shouted "BEAT THE STREAK!" a 235-pound senior by the name of Tico Baez sealed the deal for a 32-28 final victory.

The first win came on January 28, 1974, just two months before the infamous Watergate Scandal. The streak saw six presidents, the release of the Atari game console, edible underwear, car doors without ash trays, the Original Whizzinator, and so much more.

The Eagles' streak may be gone, but not forgotten, as the chances are slim it will ever be topped. The New England Patriots are chasing that elusive 19-0 record to top the 1972 Dolphins' perfect season, where they went 17-0. Regardless of which feat is more fantastic, I think it's safe to say that 36 consecutive perfect seasons is pretty ridiculous.

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BLAH BLAH STEROIDS

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball


Nearly three years after fallen sluggers Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro testified before the House Government Reform Committee investigating steroid use in professional sports, Roger Clemens and his good buddy Andy Pettitte, along with their former trainer, Brian McNamee, were among five folks asked this weekend to testify before a similar panel further digging into the Mitchell Report... for whatever reason.

Pettitte already acknowledged McNamee injected him with HGH twice while the New York Yankees pitcher was recovering from an injury, so I can't imagine we'll hear anything interesting from him.

The Rocket is going for the Trifecta of Denial, after storming the internet with a hard-nosed video statement, where the answer was always NO, followed by a highly-anticipated "60 Minutes" interview which airs Sunday at 7:30pm, immediately following the Titans vs. Chargers AFC Wildcard playoff on CBS.

If Clemens denied allegations that McNamee injected him with steroids and HGH in the interview -- a sure-fire thing -- McNamee is set to sue the pants off of him, which no one wants to see. However, Clemens does admit the former strength trainer injected him with Lidocaine and B-12, but certainly not performance-enhancing drugs. That would be ridiculous.

I propose a bare-knuckle street fight, but that's just me.

Also beckoned to appear before the House Oversight Committee (great name) on January 16th were ex-New York Mets clubhouse attendant Kirk Radomski -- a crucial piece of the underbelly puzzle -- and former big leaguer Chuck Knoblauch, who I totally high-fived when I was like, 10. Radomski, who I have never had the pleasure of high-fiving, pleaded guilty in April to felony charges of distributing 'roids and laundering money. His sentencing is scheduled for February 8th.

This crap will go down just a day after Congress hears testimony from the spearhead himself, George Mitchell, along with commissioner Bud Selig and union leader Donald Fehr. Good times will indeed be had by all.

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