by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
... is angered and enraged by RJ's timeless mullet, just as any normal man would be
... wants to tear that mullet right off the back of Randy's pterodactyl head
... simply can't believe Randy is still rockin' that rat mullet
... is playing the role of Duke Castiglione, except not being an annoying pussy
... thinks National League colors clash entirely too much
... wants to rip off Randy's head and shit down his giraffe neck
... is signing as if no one were listening, and about to dance as if no one were watching
... thinks the only thing worse than being a Pirate is Randy Johnson's formerly intimidating scowl
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
Over at The Sports Hernia we rarely if ever touch on cars that race unless Jeff Gordon wins a pole and then promptly shoves it up his ass. With that said, it's also unusual that we come across a picture that so perfectly sums up our feelings on a sport, in this case NASCAR.
What we already knew about this picture without any extensive research is that the gentleman on the right, the one caught in that slow-in-the-head but violent-with-the-hands haze, has watched far too many vehicles endlessly circle around a track.
Is this what NASCAR eventually does to humans over time? We've seen people play Pole Position for days on end and still not look this mentally trapped.
Is he partaking in some sort of uninspired thumb wrestling match?
Is it possible he's just repeating "Up-up, down-down, left-right, left-right, B-A, start" over and over in his head, to the point that he looks like Kramer shortly after Tim Whatley gives him Novocaine?
Maybe he's pretending to read something interesting about NASCAR, or maybe he's just in a state of denial after someone told him he looked like Vlade Divac in that Edge shaving cream commercial.
Whatever it is, this picture tugged on that special place in our hearts that reminded us why we usually suplex each other instead of watching NASCAR.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
Shatner's surprising Orioles look to sweep the Yankees at Camden Yards today for the first time since 2005, stretching their overall win streak to four games.
While writers and fans alike have been impressed by the Orioles quick start, the biggest stunner came last night when it took clean shaven right fielder Nick Markakis 4 2/3 innings to grow a full beard, up 2 innings from his season average.
Yankees at Orioles, 1:35pm (Fox Sports)
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
I read this sentence today -- "the Pirates haven't posted a record above .500 since winning the National League East with a 96-66 mark in 1992 with Barry Bonds in the outfield and Jim Leyland on the bench as manager." Wow. I think we all knew things had been pretty awful for the Pirates the past several years but that shit is downright depressing. Are there any Pirates fans left? If so, are any of them excited about the season? If so, what are they excited about, is Sid Bream coming back?
For starters, both literally and figuratively, the Pirates have a pitcher named Ian Snell. Somehow the name Ian Snell just doesn't seem like it would fly in the city of Pittsburgh, change his name to Rusty Snell and we may have something. Even more interesting, they've signed a pitcher with a name seemingly destined for the Pirates organization in Evan Meek.
Other issues? The Pirates aren't known to empty the vault much but they somehow traded for Matt Morris last year whose making an easy $9 million (that's $412 million in Pirate dollars). They then tried trading him in the offseason and shockingly, no one needed his inspiring services. Depressing. Now they're spinning the Morris thing as him being a 'veteran' for the young guys. Expect exceptional awfulness.
Worse, first baseman and former bag of chips for the Yanks, Josh Phelps, is listed as a 'key loss' from last year. Even worse, Byung-Hyun Kim and Jaret Wright are listed as 'key additions'. Worse than that, Jack Wilson is expected to regain his confidence after the imposing Hall of Fame presence of Cesar Izturis has left via free agency. But worst of all, their catcher's name is Ronny Paulino and he doesn't even have a mustache. Add that to learning recently Freddy Sanchez's status for Opening Day is unknown and yeah, sounds like a party.
The bright side? The biggest key to their lineup, Jason Bay, batted .247 last year. Only in Pittsburgh would this be looked at as a positive, but because of such a miserable year it's possible he'll bounce back and post similar numbers to what he did in 2006 (35Hrs, 109 RBIs). Or he won't and he'll just suck some more.
Expect the latter.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
It was a special moment in Vero Beach yesterday as Joe Torre was photographed taking his first in-game nap as manager of the the Los Angeles Dodgers. The 68-year old manager was first spotted by several photographers after attempting an aggressive nose pick that appeared to bring back feeble results.
"He was really going for it," said one onlooker in prime seats adjacent to the Dodger dugout. "I didn't see him pull out anything good, but his index finger was up there for so long that I think he must have gotten light-headed and just fell asleep. The nap was a good 15 minutes -- at one point he was using Lasorda's right breast as a pillow. It's a good thing Tommy was there today."
When bench coach Bob Schaefer finally woke him after several taps to his shoulder, head and even belly, Torre was overheard muttering, "just bring in Proctor, bring in Proctor," a frightening and all-too familiar phrase for Yankee fans last year.
Schaefer obeyed the order and Proctor performed admirably, walking the bases loaded on 12 consecutive pitches and giving up a ground rule double.
Torre's last nap is said to have been last year shortly before Alex Rodriguez hit a game ending walk-off home run against the Orioles, with the uneasy stampede exploding up the dugout steps as the reason for being awoken.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
Pat Cummings
Height: A very flat 6'9"
Weight: A wiggly 230 lbs.
Hair: Spastic
Teams: Bucks, Mavs, Knicks, Heat and Jazz (it's never just a couple teams with these guys)
Stats: Much like many of our other heroes, it was beyond the stat sheet where Pat Cummings made his mark. While 9.6 points and 5.6 rebounds are relatively respectable career averages for a league such as the NBA, it was his four illustrious years at Madison Square Garden with the Knicks where Cummings truly found himself. Playing alongside such impressive trainwrecks as Eddie Lee Wilkins, Rory Sparrow and Ken Bannister, it was nearly impossible to throw all the blame in one direction with so many disasters to choose from. Cummings perceived this to be a good thing as he would spend the coming seasons in New York continuing to do what he did best which was routinely get rejected by the rim, botch lay-ups, fall to the ground like a bag of bricks, and get tangled up with other awkward white guys.
Comparable athlete: Peter McNeeley; Jason Bateman
Shining moments:
- Cincinnati Bearcats alumni who wasn't a dickhead.
- Accused Tom Chambers of being gay.
- Battled chronic foot problems by wearing deftly disguised roller skates; sadly, his open court game somehow got worse.
- Famously yanked Rony Seikley's chesthair through his jersey during a heated practice, injuring the annoying center and thrusting himself into a starting role.
- Played three season for the Milwaukee Bucks and never became a serial killer.
- Member of the Utah Jazz 19 years ago and his coach was still Jerry Sloan.
- Despite desperate pleas from teammates, referees and fans with courtside seats, he defiantly refused to shave his armpits.
- Played on one of the shittiest rosters top-to-bottom that you'll ever see.
- Told Sherman Douglas he was fat.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
After being greeted by this amazingly ridiculous picture this morning on ESPN's home page, it all but confirmed that the company's transformation into a gay soap opera is nearly complete.
What is this picture supposed to be? Clemens looks like a guilty man whose been accused of a double-murder in some movie that takes place in the '30s. Andy Dufresne looked more confident when he was hosed down naked on his first day at Shawshank than Clemens does here. He looks like shit.
Is he about to walk a plank? What's with the giant overcoat, is it raining a lot where he is? Did he gain 150lbs. in the past week? He looks like he's been chewing Willy Wonka's experimental blueberry gum.
As for McNamee, he looks like a man whose already spent time in jail. You know those guys who look kind of normal when they get sentenced in court and then 15 years later they get released from prison with a badly receding hairline and that crazy bug-eyed look? That's McNamee.
This picture sucks. Go away, both of you.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
The Texas Rangers announced Nolan Ryan as their new team president today, straying from their annual announcement of overspending for a frighteningly awful free agent pitcher. While some fans may argue that the Vincente Padilla heist of '06 continues to pay invisible dividends, other Ranger fans can breathe a sigh of relief as the legendary Ventura-ass-kicking-pitcher makes his triumphant return to the bleak franchise.
Ryan will replace Jeff Cogen, who recently left the Rangers for a front office position with the Dallas Stars, which alone may offer all the insight you need to explain the consistent shittiness their fans have become so accustomed to, and in some cases proud of, over the years.
Some quotes circulating on the web regarding the new role for Ryan allude to much more than just some desk job or meaty headlines. Many insiders are already buzzing about an improbable return for the old man, and given the current state of the Rangers rotation, it's quite possible the 61-year old Ryan could be the team's top starter as soon as opening day.
“It is a great, great opportunity for Nolan,” said Don Sanders, co-owners of the Astros’ Class AAA and AA affiliates. “Nolan has had a lot of challenges over the years, but this will be a challenge. I think he’ll bring an awful lot to the Rangers."
If that nugget from the Houston Chronicle doesn't all but cement Ryan as the team's new ace, at the very least it means he plans to take on the entire pitching rotation in an unheard of 5-on-1 handicap match.
Although Ryan's title became official less than 24 hours ago, he's already sent a memo to the entire organization and it's players with major changes in store. Among those changes are: everyone's nameplate will be changed to "Hoss", all pens and pencils will be replaced with half-eaten baby back ribs, all contract negotiations will be centered around pinning someone and his new strict dress code will require all belt buckles to weigh at least five pounds.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
The Super Bowl media shitstorm is upon us in full force and with media day officially in the books, it only means every side story and feel-good player profile will be repeated and beaten to death by various newspapers and media outlets until the game is finally played on Sunday. One of those stories that will get continued attention is of course the wonderful tale of 39-year old journeyman linebacker Junior Seau and his tear-jerker-of-a-quest for a Super Bowl ring.
But after a recent impromptu focus group it's pretty clear no one actually wants to see this guy get jack shit on Sunday, let alone read about it.
"I hope he almost wins it," said our knowledgeable source. "I really do, I hope he almost wins it, but doesn't. It's kind of like in 1997 when Seth Joyner left Arizona and latched on to Green Bay, basically assuming he would win one with the Packers, but didn't -- they lost to the Broncos which was great. I hope Seau sees similar results, ya know, because he's a douche."
Our passionate source continued on, showing us footage of the douche in action.
"Look at this, he gets absolutely run over here, the running back flattens him. That's the third time it's happened in the quarter. But he gets up in the guy's face, starts pushing and shoving. What a douche, I mean seriously, he just got run over, he should shut his mouth. Am I crazy, is he not a complete douche?"
When asked what they meant by 'almost winning one', the group said they hoped the score would be close, and perhaps the Patriots would have some kind of lead in the fourth quarter only to lose in the final few seconds, thus making Seau truly feel like he almost won a ring -- but didn't.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
Former everyone's coach and current Sixers executive VP Larry Brown was at it again Tuesday afternoon discussing all things basketball including Knicks spies at the Garden and a possible return to coaching. Always a man of his word, the trustworthy Brown expressed interest in another sideline gig but not in Philadelphia as it would affect the relationship between himself and current Sixer coach Mo Cheeks.
"I still want to coach," Brown said while mutilating a Cheeks beanie baby with a staple gun. "But I wouldn't want to stab Mo in the back, he's been a dear friend. And by dear friend, I mean I would only fire him and take over if it didn't look bad from a public relations perspective. And by P.R. perspective, I mean his record in Philly is suspect at this point -- the fans are caring less and less about his playing legacy, so much in fact that if it keeps up it would be easy to take over. I wouldn't be stabbing him in the back really, I would be relieving him of a difficult situation for him and his family."
Brown went on to explain that while he's just been kicking around the idea of a return, he did have some vague numbers in mind that he was wiling to toss around.
"I haven't thought about it much," he said while rocking back and forth like Bill Gates. "And when I say I haven't thought about it much, I mean 6 years and $42 million. That's guaranteed of course with the expectation that if I leave after the first year and take a front office job with some other club, I still get at least half of that, if not more. And I'd still be allowed to say 'aw shucks' and 'those kids' at my final press conference before leaving the team. Because when I say 'kids' when referring to my players, I sound genuine, ya know, like I give a crap and stuff."
Later, in a bizarre scene, Brown huddled with veteran Philly reporters Phil Jasner and Marcus Hayes, confessing that as his eyeglasses have gotten smaller and smaller over the years, he's gotten progressively stupider.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
Professional golfer and full-time Adonis Charley Hoffman met with the media Tuesday afternoon to discuss not only his upcoming title defense at the Bob Hope Classic but also his highly anticipated appearance at the Royal Rumble, taking place a week from this Sunday at Madison Square Garden.
Hoffman, standing just 6'0" tall and 200 lbs., absolutely hideous by wrestling standards, is still unclear what his purpose at the event will be but knows one thing's for sure -- it won't be a hair vs. hair match.
"Let's get it straight folks before this gets out of hand, I'm not taking any chances with one of those hair matches," he said as his locks blew in the soft breeze like the mane of a graceful horse. "I'm pretty wild, but I'm not stupid. If you ever saw what happened to Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake's opponents, you know where my head's at."
While hard to tell by his appearance, Hoffman is said to have been a huge wrestling fan growing up, closely following the careers of Barry Wyndham and Lex Luger.
"I always watched Barry Wyndham, never missed a match," said a reflective Hoffman. "It wasn't so much his dominance as a 12-time tag team champion, it was more about those feathery golden locks that separated him from the rest of the pack. I liked that. I'd like to think I carry that same presence on the course, ya know, instead of just looking like a goon who probably still watches wrestling. And that Luger guy? Hell, he had such a presence at times that I thought him and his majestic hair might jump through the TV."
Adding Hoffman's name to the card of the upcoming pay-per view is just another marketing ploy by Vince McMahon and his ongoing efforts to expand the scope of his audience. After nailing down 0.6% of the Apprentice's audience last year with Donald Trump's special appearance at WrestleMania, Mr. McMahon has moved onto the next obvious niche to capture which is clearly "people who watch golf."
This year's Royal Rumble is also reported to be the first WWE pay-per-view that will be broadcast in HD, meaning the real-life presence of Hoffman's hair will likely cause viewers to faint, get dizzy or hate themselves.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
There they are folks, the new Air Jordan XX3's. That's right, for those of you other than Turtle that actually give a flying jizz shot about stuff like this, it's the 23rd installment of the sneaker series and yes, it's being marketed as 'Air Jordan XX3 by number 23' -- clever stuff indeed.
I don't know about you but I stopped buying these moonboots after Air Jordan 5, and ever since then they've become progressively and impressively retarded. What's with the 'm' explosion all over the side? Yeah, I get it, it stands for Michael but it looks like some ill-fated McDonald's/M & M logo explosion, not a fucking basketball shoe.
I'm guessing an assload of money goes into R&D for a high profile line like this, and the final product they come up with features a visual feast of lower-case cursive "m's"? I can only assume some first grader was practicing the coveted "m" on one of those
lefty sheets and like an asshole, failed. What the fuck? This is supposed to be MJ's signature shoe but it looks like shit scribble to me. What happened to the simple non-clusterfuck designs like
Jordan 1 and
2?
Notice the black plastic/rubber that runs along the bottom and then curls up towards the front of the laces. You see the reflection of the person taking the picture? Brilliant, I always wanted basketball sneakers that would have the ability to show the reflection of some dickhead taking a picture of them. That's key shit.
Well done Nike, this sneaker sucks.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
10. Rally the neighborhood troops together for a backyard game so he can finally run his dream "10-wide offense."
9. Admit that the name Marc Bulger has always turned him on.
8. Get rid of that uncomfortable Brian Dennehy-in-Rambo "I've got issues that run way deep" look.
7. Become an analyst for ESPN and add to the ensemble assman cast that is ruining all of our lives.
6. Call fellow offensive guru Brian Billick and tell him that his hair totally sucks.
5. Call Matt Millen and tell him that he and his mustache totally suck.
4. Go to another mediocre team where he can again play the exhilarating go-to scapegoat role.
3. Admit that he is indeed often confused for a lesbian.
2. Write a shitty book.
1. Confirm the suspicions of many Lions fans and reveal that William Clay Ford hasn't been alive for the past six years.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards apologized to the fans of Kansas City Tuesday after telling them last week to "get over it," referring to their not-so-fun losing record of 4-10. Coach Edwards however failed to use the opportunity to simply apologize for sucking and perhaps own up to the fact that he's entirely responsible for his team's suckiness.
Despite Herm's alleged ability to motivate and inspire, some players have been left with a stale taste in their mouth.
"You know that crazy college professor you liked and enjoyed the first couple weeks?" said a Chiefs player requesting anonymity. "You know how after awhile his wacky, zany ways got old and annoying, and you eventually just tuned it all out and put on your headphones? Well that's Herm. The shtick has run it's course, the guy just sucks."
Fans have also voiced their disgust with Edwards, some showing up to home games wearing brown paper bags over their heads, while others have tried getting a bit more creative, leaving countless messages on Carl Peterson's voicemail, each pretending to be Herm and submitting his resignation.
"I don't care what you tell me, Herm sucks," said devoted fan Ken Borsilli. "He said he tells his players to pick their words right. Maybe he should pick his words right and just say 'I suck' and then we can move on, the season is already a wash anyway. You can be damn sure I will be posting a 'Herm really, really sucks' thread on the Chiefs message board tonight."
Officials for the Chiefs refused comment but did promise Herm would be available tomorrow afternoon to babble on and on nonsensically.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
If Jets Nation actually exists, here's a list of 11 things for them to do from 1-4pm this Sunday while watching the federal pound-me-in-the-ass beating courtesy of the Patriots.
We did a list of 11 because Rick Mirer (3) + Browning Nagle (8) = 11, obviously. Not that you didn't already assume that.
- Replace the cans on your prized drinking helmet with a keg, it's going to be a long afternoon.
- Share some of that beer with your mustache, it has feelings too.
- Try to reverse the team's fortune by wearing a jersey of a Jets player that doesn't SUCK.
- Talk to yourself about the glory days of Ken O'Brien and Freeman McNeil.
- Pay for ESPN insider to read in-depth analysis from Todd McShay and Mel Kiper on how the Jets will butcher their #1 pick (2 spots after the Patriots select).
- Conduct a survey among local reporters and ask how far off Pennington was when he said they were "the luckiest people on earth."
- Re-enact the Nick Mangold/D'Bricksaw Ferguson summer crap-off at your girlfriend's apartment.
- Find something else to do with your life other than scream "J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!" in the face of the pizza delivery guy.
- Try regular cotton candy instead of that disgusting chest hair cotton candy you insist on devouring.
- Embrace those New Englanders and start the 18th and highly relevant, "Yankees suck" chant.
- Fight the person next to you, oh wait...
(Originally published
12/11)
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
Not that anyone is thinking of doing this, but I'm sure at one point or another you've all wondered what it takes to become a Jets superfan, or you've at least asked yourself aloud 'who are these people draped in what appear to be fake mustaches?' while watching the always festive first round of the NFL draft. Well, here's a quick step by step on how that transformation takes place.
- Grow an obscenely grotesque mustache. And by grotesque we mean hilarious.
- Throw that razor away as you will let this thing grow forever.
- Firmly believe the Jets are always going to the Super Bowl, even when they've been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Trust me, this is a necessity, just do it.
- Only tailgate with people that look exactly like Sal Fasano.
- Purchase a jersey of an awful Jets player, they can be retired or active, as there are many to choose from.
- Show team support by letting teeth become greenish and off-white (superbly done by most active Jet fans).
- Whenever possible, talk on and on about Jets football to all non-Jet fans. They looooove this.
- Buy that Mount Jetsmore poster with the faces of Rich Kotite, Joe Walton, Bruce Coslet and Herm Edwards. It'll be a nice touch in your green and white playroom.
- Fiercely defend whichever retarded coach is currently at the helm until he is replaced with the next moron.
- When the Jets are losing, shove as many cheese logs into your mouth as you can and then, and only then, begin talking trash to the opposing team's fans.
Read More...
Summary only...
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
It’s that time of year again. Time for you to attend your painful office holiday party or – God help you – get dragged to one by your girlfriend. In order to prepare you for this soul-sucking dickdance, the SportsHernia presents some sports clichés/topics you can expect to hear this year:
"Anyone hear the Twins might trade Tito Santana?"
-- Bob Walls, tech department
"I tell you what they should do. The Bears should just snap the ball right to Hester! Or have Rex kick it to him in the backfield!"
-- Bill Scwartzkoffski in the warehouse
"No, for reals, believe me: King James will average a triple-double this year."
-- Some dick who actually refers to LeBron as "King James”
"You guys seen this Sunny D. Ketchup guy play on USC yet? He can ball!"
-- Harold Shankter, President
"You mean Fresca Mustard, right? That guy is nasty."
--Bob Sniperpits, traffic
"No, no, no... You guys are talking about Kool-aid Veggie Spread."
--John Fitzgerald, Account Supervisor
"Now that Bonds is gone, maybe I can start rooting for the Giants again."
-- Phil in wardrobe
"Scott Brosius is the worst agent in baseball, that guy might be the devil."
-- Bernie Wingo, appliances
"I just love Dwayne Wayne, he's awesome."
-- Ted Debokowski, general ass tickler
"You know that Eli's real name is Elisha? Figures."
-- Jimmy Denunzio in sales
"How about LenDale this year? Looks like the Saints picked the wrong Trojan, am I right fellas?!"
-- Cleetus Marmaheim, human resources
"I'd watch pro basketball more, but the league is just filled with thugs."
-- Tyler Farrish, Bunny's husband
"Hey, you ever hear Chris Berman do those nicknames? Those are great."
-- Kyle Penile, marketing
"So you hear they blocked us from going on to CursedCleveland? What, never heard of it?"
-- Todd Rolbins, the newfound Browns fan in accounting
"The Boston 3Party put up a combined 89 last night. I'm serious. The PGA pulled down 33 rebounds too. Yeah, the TruthRay-RayTicket shot like 60 percent. Uh-huh. Pieralnet went off…"
-- Some fucking doucheroll who thinks SportCenter anchors are witty and is also trying to come up with his own name for Allen, Garnett and Pierce.
"How 'bout that Tom Brady fella? Some hair, huh?"
-- Cindy Whorehouse, admin.
"I like Inside Stuff because I generally like all things stuff."
-- Gabe Retardowitz, broker
"Hey, anyone got dibs on boning that new intern?"
-- Mark Chmura
"Stop laughing. I do play baseball. I have a World Series ring"
-- Little David Eckstein, mailroom
"If you guys don't stop making fun of me, I will spastically start throwing punches. Seriously, I flagrant fouled the Mailman once."
-- Shawn Bradley, receptionist
"Oh hey, you're here to pick up your son Billy, right?"
-- Shawn Kemp, day-care center
(Originally published 12/7)
Read More...
Summary only...
0 comment(s):
Post a Comment