THE MAIN ATTRACTION: THE DE NIRO/PACINO SCHOOL OF SPORTS MATCHMAKING

by Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict

Back in the day, the boys and I used to argue over nonsense all the time. All the time. Many of those arguments were "who's better" ones. The most frequent of that variety?

Who's the better actor: Al Pacino or Robert De Niro?

Seriously, in our inner circle that debate took place about as often as "Bird, Magic or Mike?" It was typically more heated as well.

(For the record, I've always been a De Niro guy. His versatility gives him a slight edge over Captain Hoo-Ha.)

We were teenagers -- obsessed with the gangster-flick genre and its two biggest stars. We cut up the crown jewel of the genre, The Godfather Part II, way more than anyone should discuss anything. We all felt that Francis Ford Coppola's masterpiece was the perfect movie. Still, there was something we wished we could have seen. We longed to see De Niro and Pacino appear together on screen. We practically had hard-ons for that sh**.

In 1995 -- around the time of Carlito's Way, Goodfellas, Pulp Fiction, The Usual Suspects, etc..., when we were most obsessed with gangster flicks -- we finally got our wish. De Niro and Pacino starred together in Michael Mann's crime drama Heat. I use the term "together" loosely, because the two alpha males only shared about ten minutes of screen time, and only engaged in one face-to-face conversation. We loved Heat, but this was a huge tease to us. It felt about like I imagine rounding third base with Eva Mendes only to get cut off before scoring would.

Believe it or not, sometime next year we'll finally get some blueball relief. That's right; De Niro and Pacino are teaming up once again, this time in the upcoming cop flick Righteous Kill. At this point in their careers, it might be comparable to if Sir Charles played alongside Ground Jordan with the Wizards. We'll take it -- late is better than never, (or two movies, yet only ten minutes of shared-screen time) right?

This got me thinking -- sports is no different than film. We like our stars, and the bigger the match-up (either as allies or rivals) the better.

The Tom Brady-Randy Moss connection has been the talk of the NFL this year. That duo's so big that I'm not sure Hollywood dropping a Tom (Cruise/Hanks) bomb on us would be any bigger. K.G. is also relevant once again after landing in Beantown to play alongside a couple of fellow All-Stars. Remember how we all tuned in over and over again in order to witness every second of the Donovan-T.O. and Kobe-Shaq soap operas? What about Barry Sanders? We rooted for him to land on a real team the same way we rooted for Arnold and Sly to team up in a blow-sh**-up action fest. And we always know who star athletes are dating, whether we like to admit it or not.

Here's my shot at playing the sports world's mad scientist...

The De Niro/Pacino School of Sports Matchmaking

• Ben Wallace and Ron Artest play for the same team. The last time these two Bulls (one current, one former) rumbled, the NBA almost crumbled. Imagine the chaos they could cause together? Even the original Bad Boys might not be able to stomach that. Would you want to take it to the hole with those two hovering in the lane? Funny thing is, both of these guys almost ended up Lakers a few weeks back. It wouldn't have been Showtime again, but it definitely would have been quite the show.

• Alex Rodriguez signs with a National League team and helps them become a dynasty. I'm not going to tippy-toe around this like Shaun Alexander trying not to get hit. Point blank -- I want to see A-Rod make the Red Sox and Yanks miserable. I'm a Royals fan, so for me the most enjoyable part of baseball is rooting against the dueling evil empires. I'd love to see the man Scott Boras calls "the four-letter word" make the Sox and Yanks utter four-letter words by winning it all with the Cubs, Dodgers, Giants or Mets (or even Angels, I suppose).

• Danica Patrick switches to NASCAR. This would really stir the pot. Why? Because, let's face it, the average sports fan is white and chauvinistic. Especially NASCAR fans. Love you all, but you're not the most "cultured" demographic around. This would really almost be like Sacha Baron Cohen's (Borat) gay Talladega Nights character joining NASCAR. Or a mixed guy dominating the PGA for a decade. It would cause an uproar, and I'd love every minute of it. It's amazing how far the Kournikova Effect can carry certain women athletes. If she looked like this, nobody would be talking about her. Never would have really started in the first place. Sad but true.

• The Britney Spears-Tony Romo relationship actually happens. The star quarterback of America's Team and America's biggest celebrity turned trainwreck. If anything can ruin Jerry Jones' $67 million investment (hey, I like Romo... for a Cowboy, anyway), it's gotta be Miss Spears. I just read that she's pregnant again, actually. Please, God, let it be true. And let it be a little Romo. Please. Maybe they did a little catching up after Ketchup, huh? He strikes me as a smart guy, but he is a little accident prone. Remember last year's playoffs? And we know she's fertile. This could backfire and cause a Brit resurgence, but, if not, the downfall of Romo would pave the way for...

• America's Team meets America's quarterback. Can you imagine the media hype that would swirl around Brett Favre, Cowboys starting QB? The main reason I'd like to see this is so we could all witness John Madden's head spontaneously combust live, on the air, followed by some asinine Keith Olberman rant about it at halftime. This would suck for Packers fans, though. They'd be stuck watching Aaron Rodgers while No. 4 went nuts with T.O. and Co. But sometimes that's just life, Cheeseheads. At least you're not Cardinals fans...
  

• Mark Mangino makes history at Kansas, moves on to the Arizona Cardinals. The big man movin' on up is humorous for various reasons: A.) The pretty boy (Matt Leinart) meets the pastry boy. Talk about the odd couple. B.) How in the hell could Mangino survive that desert heat? Would he die? C.) The NFL would mean more Mangino, which sounds like an impossibility, but is actually possible. You never know. If Mangino keeps on winning, and Whisenhunt keeps on losing... I'm just saying.
  

• Anderson Silva fights Tito Ortiz inside The Octagon. This could easily be one of the biggest UFC bouts ever. Either Ortiz would have to move down a class or Silva would have to move up, but both are semi-realistic possibilities. The stark contrast is what would make this match. The silent-but-deadly Spider is always calm, humble and smooth. He's like an artist out there, gracefully handing out masterpiece beatings to each and every opponent that challenges him. The Huntington Beach Bad Boy is the exact opposite. He's cocky. He's intense. He's loud. He'll beat your ass, tell you he beat your ass and then put on a shirt that reminds you that he beat your ass. Now that Chuck Liddell is struggling and Randy Couture has gone AWOL, Tito is the biggest PPV draw out there. Meanwhile, Sherdog currently has Silva as the No. 1 pound-for-pound fighter in the world. I'm telling you, this is the match. There isn't anyone else left for either of these guys to fight (well, maybe Dan Henderson... Rampage might be too big).
  

• MNF ditches Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski and Tony Kornheiser in favor of Kevin Harlan, Michael Smith and Bill Maher. You don't like my trio? Fine. F*** off. But you can't tell me they wouldn't be better than The Three Stooges. Harlan's an unbelievable play-by-play guy, Smith is the smoothest football guru around and nobody is quicker on their feet than Maher. Honestly, I'd be fine if Smith just replaced Kornheiser. If we're going to have sports guys up there, let's have guys that really know football. If we're going to have comedians, then let's have real comedians. Kornheiser doesn't fit, even during the tremendously irritating celeb sitdowns. Back to reality -- I seriously doubt that the folks at ABC/Disney/ESPN would ever, ever bring in Maher. But let's keep the Smith idea in mind. He's a perfect fit, and would end up being MNF's answer to Kirk Herbstreit.
  

• Steve Nash and Yao Ming form the ultimate dynamic duo. No, not in the All-Star Game either. Fulltime. 82 games a year. First off, these guys would just look hilarious standing together. I had to stop typing for a minute because I started laughing my ass off. Just look at those two side by side. Hilarious. They'd probably be a pretty silly on-court combo, too. Silly as in stupid. Silly as in sick. The alley oops would take us back to the Kemp-Payton days, and Nash would catapult Yao to MVP status. Let's make a deal: Amare and The Matrix for Yao and Bonzi Wells. Sounds fair to me. I'll let the front office guys worry about matching the salaries.
  

• Tom Osborne returns to coaching The Big Red. Let's get this straight -- I hate Nebraska football. I... HATE... NEBRASKA... FOOTBALL. Yet, there's a part of me that is completely and utterly intoxicated by the idea of this story. The old king returns and returns a crumbled kingdom to its former glory. It would be like Joe Gibbs coming back to the Redskins, except for the winning, or lack thereof. This should really be more of a nightmare for me, but Nebraska has gotten so bad that I can't even hate them this year. Give me something I can hate, Tommy! Oklahoma is pulling through on their half of the bargain.
  

• Barry Bonds signs with Yanks, faces Curt Schilling in crucial out of 2008 ACLS Game Seven. These two polar opposites seem like they'd hate each other. In fact, I'm sure they do. Old Bloody Sock actually called out Mr. Watermelon Head pretty good a few years back. Besides, they're both as good as it gets. Oddly enough, I'd pull for Bonds and The Pinstripes here in this situation. As much as I hate the Yanks and dislike Bonds, I hate the Sox just as much and loathe Schilling. At least Bonds knows he's a dickhead, and isn't some self-righteous ass clown. C'mon, man, just admit that you doctored that sock.
  

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THE MAIN ATTRACTION: AMERICAN GANGSTER & THE TOP 10 GANGSTER FLICKS

by Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict

With today's release of the epic gangster flick American Gangster, I'm sure we'll all get our skulls clobbered in with pieces comparing controversial figures from the sports world to real-life gangsters.

Hell, we've already got one comparing Bill Belichick to Suge Knight. Ahem. Just because he rocks a hoody doesn't mean he's from the hood.

On that note...

Pacman Jones isn't Tupac Shakur.

Nate Newton isn't Frank Lucas.

Ugueth Urbina isn't El Patrón.

And so on and so on.

You know why I'm not going to give pro athletes gangster comparisons? Because idiots like the aforementioned were already rich and famous -- getting involved with crime was stupid as hell. It makes about as much since as Grady Jackson going on the Super Size Me diet.

Most people get into crime because they need to make ends meet and they don't have any other talents. To quote Eddie Murphy, when you're a professional athlete "the ends are meetin' like a mother fucker." Why in the hell would you get involved in illegal expenditures when you are already rollin' in dough, and doing so legally?

Pro athletes who try to moonlight as gangsters aren't gangsters at all. They're complete and utter morons.

As for the old, tired, they-have-their -entourages-and-families-to-support and bad-influences-drag-them-down B.S. -- please. Give your crew and fam jobs. Real ones. And, no, by real I don't mean managing Bad Newz Kennels.

I hate that spiel, I really do.

When you make it, you don't owe anybody anything (well, maybe you owe your mama a crib or a Jag, but usually that's it). Just the same, when you screw everything up and end up in Shawshank, that's on you, too. If Allen Iverson can stop being Cru Thick and fly straight, anybody can. That's what I'm saying. What I'm also saying is that by the time you reach the age of 21, you know what's right and what's wrong. That remains true whether you grew up in Cabrini Green, Greenwich or Green Acres.

I understand getting a DUI or failing a drug test. I even understand accidentally knocking some hotty up. Pro athletes blow up fast, and sometimes think they're above the law. Hey, we all make mistakes, and I'm sure it's hard to stay completely out of trouble when you become both a millionaire and a celebrity overnight.

But that's where I draw the line.

Michael Vick's dumb ass knew better than to run illegal dogfighting operations.

Stephen Jackson knew better than to go to a strip club packin'.

Mike Danton knew better than to put a hit on his agent. Fire him? Yes. Whack him? No.

It's cool for rappers to live the gangster lifestyle -- it sells records, pays the bills. Keepin' it gangster does nothing for professional athletes, though. What kind of contract do you think Vick will get when he gets out of prison? And Jackson will probably wish his first name was Curtis the next time he and his agent enter contract negotiations.

Besides, the most notorious American gangsters -- Barnes, Capone, Castellano, Costello, Gambino, Gotti, Lucas, Luciano, Rothstein, Siegel, etc... -- were great at what they did. Most professional athletes are bumbling idiots as criminals. I'm not glorifying being a gangster or a mobster, I'm just saying. Most of those guys got in at a young age and didn't know what else to do. They stayed in because: A.) They were great at crime; and B.) They were in too deep to get out. Additionally, most of those guys either ultimately regretted the vile lifestyles they lived and all of the terrible things they caused, or died before they could.

I've just never understood something. When you watch Scarface, OK, yeah, it's cool to think that's a nice life and daydram for a minute. Ultimately, however, the whole point of Scarface is that crime doesn't pay. Tony Montana gets lit up worse than the Redskins defense did last week before falling to his bloody death. Yeah, real glamorous. Real gully. Real stupid.

Almost all gangster movies have "redeemable" characters and echo the same message , which is that being a gangster never works out.

Pulp Fiction - The hitman who retires lives. The hitman who doesn't gets capped.

Carlito's Way - Carlito gets back in for one last run. The run is his last anything.

The Godfather Series - Michael gets pulled in after years of resisting and loses everyone he ever cared about. Everyone.

Goodfellas - Henry Hill ends up in the witness relocation program, looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life. Everybody else gets whacked or dies in prison.

Even the most recent real-life gangster, John Gotti, died in the pen (at the medical prison in my hometown of Springfield, MO, ironically enough).

Some may think these movies and stories glorify the criminal lifestyle. I disagree. Nobody with half a brain wants to die prematurely or end up someone's bitch in the shower, and that's what happens in all of these movies.

Daydreaming about being a gangster is OK. I'll admit, I love gangster movies. You watch these films and you get caught up for a second. In the end, however, gangster just isn't cool. You fuck up everybody else's life before ultimately fucking up your own.

Personally, I'm sick of feeling sorry for pro athletes who go gangster. Look, most of us would have given anything, anything, to have been Michael Vick. He throws that all away because he's passionate about illegal dogfighting, and we're supposed to be sympathetic? Hell nah.

Most of us daydream about being gangsters because gangsters are rich and famous. Pro athletes are already rich and famous, and legally. Again, it just makes no damn sense to me.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to American Gangster. From what I've heard, it's going to be an instant classic with a message that echoes the message of this post: Most infamous gangsters have stories that should prevent us from wanting to be gangsters, not provoke us.

Film critic Peter Travers -- who didn't exactly build his sterling rep kissing ass -- wrote this about the film:

"Call it the black Scarface or the Harlem Godfather or just one hell of an exciting movie, but the fact-based, 1970s-era American Gangster is already looking like a major awards contender."

In fact, reviews like this have me so jacked about American Gangster that I'm going to rattle of my top ten all-time gangster films in honor of this special occasion.

My Top 10 Gangster Flicks:

10. Once Upon A Time In America

This isn't the last De Niro flick you'll see on this list. I know that much (sounds like something he'd say, with a smirk).

9. The Usual Suspects

Right up there with Pulp Fiction. Insanely rewatchable, even after you know its secret.

8. City Of God/Infernal Affairs

The Brazilian film that rocked my effing world and the Hong Kong crime saga that spawned The Departed share this spot. The two best foreign gangster flicks I've ever seen.

7. Miller's Crossing

Probably the Coen Bros' best movie. That's saying something, people.

6. Scarface

One of the most influential movies of all time.

5. The Godfather

The Godfather Part II never could've happened without this classic leading the way.

4. Little Caesar/The Public Enemy/Scarface (1932)

The classics that birthed the genre in the first place. Most haven't peeped these. Big mistake. Find them and do so. Now.

3. Goodfellas

In my opinion, this is Scorsese's best film (well, this and Raging Bull). Should have won Best Picture. I could watch this 1,000 times.

2. Pulp Fiction

Arguably the best film of the last 20 years. Tarantino changed the game forever with this classic.

1. The Godfather Part II

Not only the best gangster film ever made, but its also arguably the best film ever made. I bust it out once a year, on special occasions. Gangstas pop Dom Pérignon. I pop Don Corleone.

Honorable Mention:

A Bronx Tale, Boyz N the Hood, Bugsy, Carlito's Way, Casino, The Departed, Donnie Brasco, Heat, Layer Cake, Mean Streets, Menace II Society, Reservoir Dogs, Rififi, Road To Perdition, State of Grace, Superfly, The Untouchables, White Heat and many, many more...

So take your happy ass and go see American Gangster this weekend (currently 80% on Rotten Tomatoes), start Netflixing these other movies and, please, PLEASE, avoid all sportswriting that compares Jose Canseco to Sammy "The Bull" Gravano. Just fughedaboudit.

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THE MAIN ATTRACTION: THE NIGHTMARE WAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND OTHER NFL MIDWAY MOVIES

by Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict

NFL Films' latest production -- The Nightmare Way Before Christmas, starring the miserable Miami Dolphins and the sorry St. Louis Rams -- has finally arrived! And the reviews are in...

"The Dolphins qualify as the most woeful and embarrassing product exported from South Florida since rapper Vanilla Ice." - Charles Elmore, Palm Beach Post

"Suicide doesn't come with a bucket of popcorn and a large soda, but at least it would be quicker." - Anonymous St. Louis Rams fan

"It’s just such a numb feeling. You sit here, you look for the little bright spots to hold on to but every day seems to bring a new low." - Davey, Phin Phanatic

"No wonder TJ Maxx has tons of Rams merchandise mired on the shelves... Marc Bulger jerseys will start turning up in refugee camps around the world as unwanted Rams-branded clothing fills the bins behind Metro area Salvation Army offices." - VanRam, Turf Show Times

"Chris Chambers was the lucky one. I'd take a trade to Abu Ghraib at this point." - Miami Dolphins star defensive end Jason Taylor

"The Greatest Show on Turf has become the Greatest No-Show." - Jim Thomas, The St. Louis Post-Dispatch

"What can I say? What the hell can I say?" - Matty I, The Phinsider

"Yesterday, it was reported that my St. Louis Rams requested the use of the mercy rule!" - Mack Rosenberg, Ramblin' Fan

"Can we exchange the Dolphins? We'll take anybody. We'll take the Bills, the Falcons, the Jets... no, not the Rams. But anybody else. Please. Bloody anybody. We send you Beckham and this is how you repay us?" - UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown

Has this season truly been that bad for both the Dolphins and Rams?

No -- it's been worse.

Unfortunately, unlike the Tim Burton flick of the same name, there are no happy endings in this story. There is no such thing as Christmas Town for either of these pathetic teams. They can play Halloween and try to dress up as somebody else as much as they want. In the end they'll still be the Dolphins and Rams -- the worst two teams in the NFL.

Matter of fact, these are the worst two teams the NFL has seen in a long, long time. Two terrible teams streaking towards 0-16 faster than Roger Goodell can slap a suspension on somebody's ass. And they don't play each other either, so there's that out. Honestly, these teams will need to get Powerball lucky just to go 1-15 or 2-14. 3-13? A full-fledged Beatles reunion tour is more likely.

While I could sit here and play doctor and diagnose what is wrong with each team, I won't. Hey, some of us just aren't cut out to treat the terminally ill. Instead, I'm going to sum up all the other NFL teams' seasons through the midway point (we're essentially there, folks) with a movie:

The Other NFL Midway-Point Movies:

1408 (New Orleans Saints) - This is not what the Saints thought they signed up for. Just how nobody returns from the hotel room 1408, no team will return from 0-4, 1-4 or even 2-4 to win the '08 Super Bowl. Certainly not this team, anyway.

The Big Sleep (Seattle Seahawks) - Like the Bogie and Bacall flick, the Seahawks have plenty of stars. The difference is Bogie's private eye character gets paid and delivers. Shaun Alexander? Not so much. His career nodded off a while ago. Now he's rushing for 47 yards against the Rams, destroying fantasy teams everywhere and doing commercials with Joey Fatone. Sleep? I meant hibernation.

The Color Purple (Minnesota Vikings) - The Vikes' passing game looks so bad, you'd think that Whoopi Goldberg was the one taking snaps. Actually, I'm pretty sure Whoopi could do a better job under center than current quarterback Tarvaris Jackson. Plus, the dreds are en vogue right now, yo. Anyway, at least they've got Purple Hov to fall back on.

Cujo (Atlanta Falcons) - For a team that harbored dogfighting king Michael Vick (c'mon, you know they knew... you don't give a guy a bajillion dollars without knowing all his dirty little secrets), it's pretty ironic that the season is coming back to bite them in the ass. Unlike the movie, the dogs are going to get the last laugh here. (By the way, how weird is it that the lead male character in Cujo is named Vic?)

Das Boot (Denver Broncos) - There's no denying that without Jason Elam's boot the Broncos' ship would've sunk a long time ago. How many last-second game-winning field goals does this dude have in him? As someone who hates the Donks way more than any other team, it's getting real annoying. Real annoying. From their POV, though, 3-3 is a completely different ball game than 0-6. They're still right in the AFC West hunt.

Dazed and Confused (Philadelphia Eagles) - "Weren't we supposed to be Super Bowl contenders?" "I thought Donovan McNabb was back?" "Was that Osi Umenyiora or Lawrence Taylor that just sacked McNabb again?" Plus, this works for Andy Reid's kids, too. Yes, I went there.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Kansas City Chiefs) - The Chiefs must have their collective memory wiped after each game. Any team that can get smeared by the Houston Texans and then go to San Diego and blow out the Chargers is schizo. Then again, it could have just been the return of Jared Allen. But he's kind of schizo himself. Weird.

Fargo (San Diego Chargers) - Coming into the season, it seemed like the Chargers were set. Like Bill Macy in Fargo, though, it appears that a good set up isn't good enough for Norv Turner. Will it be the Broncos or the Chiefs that play homely underdog Frances McDormand and take him down in the AFC West?

Fight Club (New York Giants) - I know, I know. Comparing Eli Manning to Tyler Durden is a ginormous stretch. But ignore that and think of this quote of Tyler's: "Only after disaster can we be resurrected." The 0-2-and-left-for-dead Giants were done. They were beaten, bloodied and fighting amongst themselves. That's when this club found its fight. Sure, eventually it will all blow up, but the G-Men will take plenty of other teams down with them before then.

Finding Neverland (Arizona Cardinals) - Neverland was a figment of the imagination in this movie, a fantasy land where boys could escape the troubles of their days. For the Cardinals, Neverland is the postseason. And while daydreaming of the postseason sure is fun, they just can't imagine the playoffs into reality. Especially this year -- Kurt Warner used up all of his Neverland tickets long ago. Am I the only one who's getting sick of this team being the trendy-sleeper-pick-that-does-nothing team every single year? Huh? We have to stop raving about the Cards until they actually do something. This needs to be a rule.

The Fisher King (Tennessee Titans) - Kudos to Titans head coach Jeff Fisher, who's survived both Pacman Jones and the Madden cover jinx (so far) to keep his team in contention. He's just so steady. On the other hand, everything about this movie was crazy. The crazy guy who killed everybody. The crazy transient bum (Robin "RV" Williams). The director (Terry Gilliam). But the movie's still damn good. I guess that's the point; Consistently in the mist of craziness, our guy Fish always pulls through.

Groundhog Day (Jacksonville Jaguars) - No matter how good the Jags think they are, each season they wake up and realize that they aren't in the same class as the Colts. The defense might be Bill Murrayesque, but the passing game reeks worse than Andie MacDowell's acting. Passing attack? You ain't got any! Am I right, or am I right, or am I right?

Grumpy Old Men (Washington Redskins) - Joe Gibbs and the rest of that geriatric, senile outfit he calls a coaching staff aren't what they once were. Defensively the 'Skins are fantastic, but these old timers just don't have enough left at this point to help the pedestrian offense put points on the board. Especially with Santana Moss on the back of a milk carton. Carlos Santana could have done what he's done at wideout over the course of the past month.

The Hustler (San Francisco 49ers) - You know who I'm sick of? Mike Nolan, that's who. He walks around wearing his suits, talking about his old man's legacy, the Niners' legacy, the legacy of my balls... shut up and coach. This is your third year and you haven't accomplished jack. And it's not like the front office didn't spend a trillion dollars this offseason. F*** the suit. Without his leadership skills, Napoleon was just another ass clown in a stupid costume. I really think Nolan should get fired. Can't you tell?

The Illusionist (Detroit Lions) - The Lions would probably prefer to be The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, a fantasy movie in which a Lion is the most powerful of all creatures. Unfortunately for them, this isn't fantasy. The greatest trick of the NFL season so far has been that the 4-2 Lions have actually convinced a few people that they're for real. Matt Millen, you almost had us. Almost. We were distracted by Jon Kitna and his miracles.

Kill Bill Vol. 2 (Indianapolis Colts) - The Colts took out Bill Belichick's crew last year on the way to a Super Bowl. This year killing Bill will be much, much harder. Peyton better get his Uma on and learn how to throw out of a coffin, because he might find himself buried in one come week 9, and again in the playoffs.

Lethal Weapon 4,000 (Green Bay Packers) - Brett Favre and Donald Driver's old asses are doing a pretty damn good impersonation of the Mel Gibson-Danny Glover duo. Wildman Brett's soaking up the pub, while Double D is just happy to still be enjoying the ride. Like one of the Weapon installments, however, the sh**ter is going to blow at some point. When it does, it won't be pretty. Hey, that's what happens when you have absolutely no running game.

The Lost Weekend (Dallas Cowboys) - Everyone in Big D has somehow already forgotten about The Duel in Dallas. If I were the Cowboys, I'd need a four-day bender like the one Don goes on in the movie to forget that ass beating. If the 'Boys do actually manage to move on from that traumatic experience, they may meet the Patriots again next February. Yep. The NFC is that weak.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Chicago Bears) - Has Lovie Smith been pulling an R.P. McMurphy, or is he actually certifiably nuts? Not only did he possibly cost himself a Super Bowl by sticking with the Sex Cannon last year, he damn near put his job in jeopardy by rolling with him again early on this season. How in the hell did he not think Brian Griese was a better quarterback for this Bears team? Or for any team, for that matter? I seriously thought Rex blackmailed Lovie with incriminating sexual pictures of him and a cage full of baboons. That was the only way I could make sense of it.

Out of the Past (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) - Damn. I love this noir joint, but I just realized how old it is. Kirk Douglas starred in this one -- when he was about half as old as Michael! But that's the story in Tampa right now. Chucky inexplicably brings QB Jeff Garcia back from the dead, who in turn brings the Bucs back from the dead. It's been a nice story, but this pirate ship has already seen most of the booty it will this season. (Because I have to ask, isn't Earnest Graham the whitest name ever? Even names like Barrett Ruud and Mike Alstott are more "hood" than Earnest Graham.)

Patriot Games (New England Patriots) - This latest Pats squad isn't playing around. Not only are they not playing, they are sniping out the opposition with proficiency typically reserved for Tom Clancy novels. Actually, Jack Ryan ain't got sh** on Tom Brady. Affleck, Baldwin and Ford could all hit the town together and still not pull as much wool as The Cleft Chin. I just don't see anything that can stop them right now. I'm not even sure a mash-up of the Colts' "O" and the Redskins' "D" could get the job done. I'm serious.

Pure Luck (Buffalo Bills) - Jesus, did this movie blow. So do the Bills. All I remember about this flick was Martin Short's face blowing up until it was Mark Mangino sized after he got stung by a bee. Judging by Kevin Everett's unfortunate accident, the Paul Pos-pos-what-the-hell-ever's injury and that wacky Monday Night Football game, the Bills luck is every bit as bad. Given their recent cost-cutting ways, don't expect their bad luck to change any time relatively soon. Oh, and is this really the team we want to encourage Canada to root for? Just a question.

Rambo (New York Jets) - Like the upcoming Stallone flick, we can already tell that the Jets are a complete and utter disaster. In fact, it's hard to even keep a straight face when discussing either the J-E-T-S or Sly these days. We won't truly be able to judge either product until January '08, but I'm betting big that we end up with two monumental flops.

Rear Window (Pittsburgh Steelers) - As good as the Stillers and their fans think they are, the team's best years are behind them. The Colts and the Pats wouldn't have dropped games to the Broncos and Cards. On a positive note, new head coach Mike Tomlin always looks fresh on the sidelines. My prescription: Less barbershop, more game film.

Romeo Must Die (Cleveland Browns) - This one was way, way too easy. So, yeah, the Browns are 3-3, but they got thumped by both of the good teams they played (the Pats and Steelers), and the rest of their schedule has been cupcake city. Besides, the Browns are winning games because they have awesome offensive talent (Braylon Edwards, Kellen Winslow, etc...), not because of defense. Last time I checked, Romeo was supposed to be some kind of defensive genius, too. He won't be able to defend what he's done in Cleveland when this season's over. I know that much.

The Saw Franchise (Houston Texans) - I'm not going to screw around here. Both of these franchises -- Saw and the Texans -- have been around for a good portion of this decade. Honestly, we'd probably be better off without 'em.

Stripes (Cincinnati Bengals) - Whether you're cutting up the cute little tiger stripes on their football unis or the stripes on their prison ones, the struggling Bengals are a riot. Wait. Don't take that literally, fellas. Especially you, Chris "Slash" Henry. He's about to make a comeback, so we have to start calling this guy Slash. I mean, when have we ever seen anybody display so much versatility when it comes to getting arrested? Screw Kordell (easy, Yancey Thigpen), Chris Henry is Slash.

The Usual Suspects (Baltimore Ravens) - Yes, the Ravens added Willis "Babymaker" McGahee to the roster this offseason. All that did was offset the loss of Adalius Thomas. Maybe. The rest of this team is the exact same as last year, except older and more brittle. Even with Brian Billick calling the plays, Kyle Boeller and an ancient Steve McNair are still Kyle Boeller and an ancient Steve McNair.

Vinny and the Pussycats (Carolina Panthers) - With all apologies to both John Fox and Steve Smith, I think the Panthers are pretenders. Both of their running backs are soft, and the team's best defensive player, Julius Peppers, is already a hasbeen at the age of 27. Besides, how far can the David Carr-Vinny Testaverde tandem really take you? A 4-2 farce.

The Wizard of Oz (Oakland Raiders) - As long as that crazy old man (Al Davis) is behind the curtain -- and I don't care if he's walking around like Osama on a dialysis machine, or propped up Weekend at Bernie's style -- this franchise is doomed. They can bring in all the pretty little Dorothys they want, but it won't change a thing. I'm not wishing anything on Al except many more years of happiness, but fans of the Silver and Black should be. He's completely lost it.

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THE MAIN ATTRACTION: THE FUTURE OF SPORTS BIOPICS?

by Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict

I'm not gonna lie -- I'm amped about the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. biopic Notorious. For those of you who are not up on the lingo, biopic is a biography picture or film. And, yes, a Biggie film is definitely getting made. In fact, Fox Searchlight is casting potential Big Poppas right now, further proving the belief that you can always find somebody to play anybody.

That being said, there are plenty of potentially classic sports biopics that haven't been made yet. Just like they are finding a Biggie, they can find any athlete or sports celebrity. Hell, Hollywood forged The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air into a pretty damn good Muhammad Ali not too long ago.

Some of these selections might surprise you, but many of my favorite biopics (American Splendor, Owning Mahowny, Raging Bull, etc...) don't revolve around either the biggest of names or the most successful of people. Even Rocky was inspired by Chuck Wepner, who, at best, was a relative unknown. Still, there are a few superstars in the mix to keep all you mainstream cats satisfied.

Here are my pitches for some potentially classic sports biopics that need to get greenlit:

Being Drew Rosenhaus - If Jerry Maguire was one end of the spectrum -- a candy-coated, picture-perfect version of a sports agent's world -- this film would be the exact opposite -- Bob Sugar: Confessions of a Heartless Bastard. You'd have the sports world's most notorious agent ever representing equally notorious clients. Maybe Notorious L.I.E. would be a better name than Being Drew Rosenhaus? Also, this would only work with an "R" rating, likely one that the filmmakers fought long and hard to get. No punches could be pulled whatsoever, or we'd have Cameron Crowe's morally conflicted puss of a sports agent running around screaming "show me the money" again. A Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer version simply wouldn't work. There are also plenty of actors who are just around the perfect age to play him throughout the years -- Aaron Eckhart, Christian Bale, Joaquin Phoenix, Sam Rockwell, etc.

Bo Knows - Quite frankly, with all apologies to Air Jordan, Bo Jackson was the most enigmatic athlete of his era. I even think Bo was more popular than Mike (like Biggie said, "pick one") for a minute. Those "Bo Knows" Nike commercials didn't even seem like hyperbole to me -- it really seemed like Bo could do anything. Even "Tecmo Bo" didn't seem like much of a farce. That was back in the day, though, and now we know that Bo never had the chance to really show us what he knew. Like Len Bias before him, the career of one of the greatest athletes ever ended way too soon. The big difference, however, is that Bo's career ended due to no fault of his own. That would allow the audience to sympathize with Bo in a way they won't be able to with Bias as the protagonist. The story ends well, too, as Bo has accomplished quite a bit away from both the diamond and gridiron since his retirement.

Kings of New York - You ever see that 90's movie King of New York, where Christopher Walken and Laurence Fishburne play two psychotic cokeheads who run around the Big Apple causing mayhem? Well, this wouldn't be too much different, except instead of two of the city's biggest druglords, it would be two of the city's best baseball players -- former Mets' Rookie of the Year winners Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden. This saga would also be kind of like Hoop Dreams, as it paralleled two of both New York and an era's most gifted baseball players as they threw away their respective careers.

Gooden -- a strikeout king of a pitcher who finished with an overall record of 194-112 -- won half of his games prior to age 25. Even though he had some great moments with both the Mets and Yankees, his career was ultimately a major disappointment. He had the talent to be one of the greatest pitchers of all time, but that never materialized because of rampant alcohol and cocaine addictions. In 2006, Doc chose going back to prison over lengthy probation after being arrested because he thought that was the only thing that would clean him up. He was released seven months later, and has since avoided trouble... for now.

Strawberry -- an outfielder who had the chops to easily be one of the greatest ever -- might have been even more of a mess than Doc. He's had three wives and at least one illegitimate child. He's been in and out of drug treatment centers, halfway houses and jail. He's been on and off both house arrest and probation. He even had colon cancer and had to go through chemotherapy. Ultimately, his substance addictions were the demons that ruined his baseball career, but they haven't quite ruined his life. He met his third wife a year ago, is currently clean and his son was drafted this year and is pursuing an NBA career.

Mr. Pacer - Reggie. Nope, not Mr. October. Mr. Last Minute -- Reggie Miller. Listen to this plot... the kid who overcame both leg deformities and growing up in the shadow of two siblings -- a pro baseball player and the greatest women's basketball player ever -- to enjoy a Hall of Fame basketball career. If his last-minute heroics aren't enough drama, then still you have his house getting burned down and the Malice at the Palice. Besides, just look at this supporting cast of characters: Charles Barkley, Cheryl Miller, Dan Patrick, David Stern, Dennis Rodman, Jermaine O'Neal, John Starks, Kobe Bryant, Larry Bird, Larry Brown, Marv Alberts, Michael Jordan, Patrick Ewing, Phil Jackson, Ron Artest, Shaquille O'Neal, Spike Lee, Stephen Jackson, and last, but not least, his biggest antagonist -- Knicks fans. It might be kind of hard to find someone to play Rik Smits' goofy ass, but that's about the only potential snag. There's even a great ending. Reggie ends his 18-year career as a Pacer without a championship, yet receives an unheard of on-court standing ovation from the entire roster of his team's fiercest rival as he walks away from the game.

A Tale of Two Ohios - Earlier this decade, both the Ohio and national sports scenes had two princes -- hoops prodigy LeBron James and football manchild Maurice Clarett. Both started out on top, but their lives and careers have gone in diametrically different directions since.

Clarett became the man when he led the Ohio State Buckeyes to a National Championship as a frosh. After a scandal at OSU, an unsuccessful early-draft status appeal, getting cut by the Denver Broncos and getting arrested several times (for some crazy sh**, man), he never played another game. Clarett is currently serving a seven-year prison sentence, but is eligible for parole at the half-way mark. The most messed up thing about all of this was how misguided Clarett was. He should have never sat out an entire year of football. He should have never signed that stupid incentive-laden contract that left him broke, instead of banking over $400,000 of guaranteed money when he was already $1 million in debt. You can blame a lot of that on his attorney/manager David Kenner, a pimp of a lawyer who used to rep Death Row Records. At this point, Clarett will be lucky just to get out and stay out of prison, then enjoy a normal life.

While one prince fell from grace on his way to the throne, the other hasn't even stumbled. At all. Not even one half trip or slip. We all know the King James' version; He's a rich, famous, popular and successful mesgastar hoopster. Essentially, he's the 2K M.J.

Tragically, things currently couldn't be much different for these two. On the other hand, since they started at the same place around the same time, where they've ended up is what makes this story so compelling. I also have the feeling that this is a story that's only just begun.

Tommy Done?- Tommy "The Duke" Morrison went from being the next Rocky, to rocky road. The former "Great White Hope" even starred in Rocky V. The guy was on top of the world. He banged Jenny McCarthy. He was John Wayne's grand nephew. He beat Carl "The Truth" Williams, George Foreman, Razor Rudock and Riddick Bowe. He was the heavyweight champion of the world. He was hotter than Hansel. Then he got knocked out by some nobody named Michael Bent in his first title defense, and lost his highly anticipated bout with Lennox Lewis. The Lewis match would be his last fight for some time, as not long after |(1996) he tested HIV positive. Earlier this year, however, Morrison tested HIV negative and returned to the ring. He won his first match-up against some jobber, but the bigger story is the controversy swirling around his HIV test. Apparently, there are some who contend that Morrison indeed still is and always was HIV positive, and that he and a promoter rigged a fake blood test so The Duke could fight. This story is far from over, but when it is it will probably have enough plot twists and turns to be the next great boxing movie.

I'm sure one of these weeks I'll do a round two, but for now let's hear some of your pitches.

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THE MAIN ATTRACTION: WE OWN THE NIGHT

by Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict

Am I that excited about We Own the Night? Nah, not really. Hey, I like Eva Mendes as much as the next guy, but one can only take so much tough guy Mark Wahlberg. Plus, doesn't it seem like Robert Duvall has already played this role at least six times? This flick has "renter" written all over it (the film currently has only a 50% fresh rating over at Rotten Tomatoes).

Still, I dig the name -- We Own the Night.

It got me thinking about which current pro athletes actually do own the night. You know, which athletes dress the flyest, paint the town the reddest and pull the baddest broads.

After chewing on that question for a few days, here's my...

If-I-Could-Be-Part-of-Any-Pro-Athlete's-Entourage wish list:

Andy Roddick - As one of my fellow carnies put it, "tennis players pull tennis babes and chill with models." Judging by who The Other A-Rod has dated, this claim is A. True B. False. On the other hand, I might have to start deducting points for having dated Paris Hilton.

Chad Johnson - T.O. might be a bigger pimp, but I seriously doubt that even he can talk more game than Ocho Cinco. His flair for the dramatic and creativity would definitely make him a hit at the clubs. Plus, you've seen what having him around has done for T.J. Houshmanzadeh. As C.J.'s wingman, you'd become T.J. Whosyourdaddy.

Chuck Liddell - Call him washed up. Call him old. Call him whatever. The dude is still a bigger star than any other fighter -- boxing or MMA. This especially is true after Oscar de la Hoya went all Rudy Giuliani on us. Chuck is a rock star who moonlights as an athlete. Plus, you wouldn't have to worry about getting your ass kicked. Well, unless you had beef with Rampage.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. - This guy would probably be the single best athlete to go and tear up the South with. Well, Tim Tebow might be close, but he's not eligible due to his status as an amateur athlete. And you know Junior can throw down some brew. You just know that.

David Beckham - Even though he's married, this might be the easiest answer on the list. Most guys would do anything to be some hot chick's next-best-thing-to-Beckham for just one night. Even if that fails, I'm sure Posh has some friends who are fine as hell.

Derek Jeter - What do I even have to say here? This guy cleans house like Johnny Depp and Co. used to at the Viper Room. I don't think women even care that he might have herpes. Deny, deny, deny. Like Christopher Walken said in Catch Me If You Can, they'll be too busy gawking at the pinstripes anyway.

Gilbert Arenas - He's more fun than most athletes are in person even when you're only watching him on TV or hanging out with him at home on your computer. If Hibachi is this entertaining on his blog, on the court and during interviews, imagine what he's like when the lights go down in the city. He's not called the Black President for nothin', people. Dude throws million dollar birthday parties for himself.

Matt Leinart - In Pulp Fiction, Butch had his "L.A. privileges" revoked. Leinart, however, has about as many L.A. privileges as one can have without being named Leonardo. Sports wise, he's the man in Hollywood. Can't do much better than that. You definitely want to carry the contraceptives when you role with Matty, though. After all, you might get matched up with one the girls from Paris Hilton's entourage.

Stephon Marbury - When "bitches ain't sh**" comes out of most guys lips, the statement is simply hot air. Not Marbury -- that's his creedo. He doesn't eff around either. How many guys can successfully use "Are you going to get in the truck?" as both an opening and closing pick-up line? He can, that much has been proven in court.

Tom Brady - It is impossible not to go here. Impossible. Have you seen the caliber of girls he impregnates dates? Have you seen the way he spreads the wealth with his passes on Sunday? Screw being part of Vincent Chase's entourage -- this is the one. If all else fails, hey, at least you got to kick it with the Stetson man.

This is the part where you chime in with your own wish lists (as if I even have to tell you that)...

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THE MAIN ATTRACTION: FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS 101

by Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict

Because Friday Night Lights: Season Two kicks off tonight at 9 PM EST on NBC, we're going small screen this week. Plus, this way you get to stare at Minka Kelly, aka Lyla Garrity. No worries -- she's actually 27 (and John Mayer's latest squeeze). You can gawk without feeling like a CBS cameraman.

Anyway, I recently came down with a cold and ripped through Friday Night Lights: Season One in less than a week. I'm actually glad I got sick, because otherwise I probably wouldn't have listened to everyone who raved about the show and checked it out. Point blank -- it's effing unbelievable, probably my favorite show on TV right now (that includes everything on HBO... yes, even Entourage). My goal is to spark your interest enough with this post that you too will be flat out hooked on FNL, sort of like Travis Henry is to babymaking.

Unfortunately -- as Bill Simmons and others have pointed out -- most people aren't hooked at this point. FNL was snubbed by both viewers and The Emmys during it first season. Fans and insiders alike now fear that the series will get canned before the second season even really gets rolling. F***! How could this happen to such a badass series?

Here's how:

A.) Friday Night Lights the film (2004) faired somewhat well with the critics, but it flopped commercially, desecrating the franchise's name in the process. Plus, the classic H.G. Bissinger book that started it all has been out since 1991. Because of all of this, the show seemed like a retread the second it was revealed.

B.) The show has been marketed -- or at least perceived, by many -- as a show created for football fanatics.

Because of those issues, people think that FNL is just another run-of-the-mill football drama in a long line of 'em, all of which include way too many jerky, hand-held football camera shots and the requisite boring, clichéd characters. That perception is way, way off base. This isn't Any Given Sunday or ESPN's Playmakers, or even The O.C. with a dash of pigskin. I wouldn't do you like that.

I'll tell you what FNL is -- it's the best sports-based TV drama I've ever seen. That's doing the show a disservice actually, because it's one of the best TV shows I've ever seen. Period. I put it up there with Hoop Dreams sports drama wise, and if you knew me you'd know just how big of a compliment that is. I'm not quite to Raging Bull-level gushing yet, but that could all change after another standout season.

Yes, FNL revolves around high school football, but football is simply the backdrop. This show is alive. It's not just that the cinematography makes it look like a documentary either. (Still, the fact that all the action is unrehearsed and shot with multiple cameras on actual locations -- not sets -- really pans out beautifully.) Seldom do TV shows have the ability to make you forget you're watching acting, and seldom do they care. Did you ever watch Friends, look at Rachel and think, damn, I don't even see Jennifer Anniston right now? No. Just as James Gandolfini became Tony Soprano, Kyle Chandler has morphed into Coach Eric Taylor right before our very eyes. He's not the only one either.

The cast and crew of Friday Night Lights have breathed some life into that fictitious little dump of a Texas town called Dillon.

(SPOILER ALERT: If you have any intention of watching Season One *online here* before starting Season Two, please, slow your roll and stop reading here. If you want to skip season one altogether, or check it out later, and move right along -- read on. I'll hook you up and get you caught up to speed.)

Ever since ex-Dillon Panthers star quarterback Jason Street got paralyzed during the opening episode, I was hooked. I knew that no punches were going to be pulled, and I became invested in the show. The writers and directors do an amazing balancing act, so you really get a feel for the entire town of Dillon without losing track of any of the main, or even secondary, characters. Because of that, you become an active participant and part of the journey. Seriously, dude, watch enough of FNL and for one hour a week you'll feel like you too live in Dillon. That's a testament to the show's creative team, who have kept it real so far by resisting the urge to sellout and go all heavy-handed and melodramatic on us to help boost ratings. Still, the show is able to tackle pressing real-life issues, a feat most shows don't even come close to accomplishing these days.

So who are these characters that make up this cast I won't shut up about?

The Friday Night Lights Cast:

Eric Taylor - The first time I ever noticed Kyle Chandler was when he stole the show as Bruce Baxter in the King Kong remake. You know, the actor with pussitis. I knew then that dude could flat out act, but as the first-year coach of the Dillon Panthers he really out did himself. Because either he or his wife has a relationship with every significant character, he's the engine that makes this thing go. And does it ever. The first time you see him he De Niros you, and Chandler the actor disappears. Even though he didn't get a Best Actor Emmy nod, I can't tell you how unreal this guy is. You have to witness it for yourself. Hey, Entertainment Weekly agrees with me. The mag awarded him its Best Actor "Glutty" award.

His acting makes FNL, but it's his character who drives the plot. Taylor starts off 1-2 at Dillon and damn near gets run out of town. Before that happens he gets the team to believe in him and they go on a magical run. (By the way, let me address that real quick. Yes, the Dillon Panthers almost always find a way to comeback and win, but that happens. Sometimes teams are truly teams of destiny. "Teams of destiny" do exist. Sometimes aspects like confidence, faith, momentum and poise outweigh the sheer physical aspects of the game. Sometimes when teams roll they just keep rolling. Those of you who eat, breathe and sleep football understand.) But this magical run isn't without its fair share of bumps. In the end, Taylor decides to leave Dillon and all of that behind for the quarterback coach job at Texas Methodist University, recognizing his dream of becoming a D-1 coach in the process. After the team wins state, his career move leaves a cloud of uncertainty hanging over the team, the town and his family.

Tami Taylor - Chandler may be the star of FNL, but Connie Britton can also act her ass off. The Sports Guys and others have already gone here, but I also have to add that there isn't a more realistic on-screen couple than the Taylors. Tami, a Dillon High guidance counselor, discovered that she's knocked up during the Season One finale. That -- paired with both her and her daughter Julie's attachment to Dillon and its people -- convinces Tami to stay in Dillon until Julie graduates (two more years), and hours away from Eric in Austin. The Taylors are a good, tight-knit family, so you get the sense that they'll survive. Still, it would be a tough situation for even the Cleavers or the Cosbys, so some speed bumps surely await them.

Th Taylor's marriage/relationship grounds FNL. Typically, on-screen married couples are either portrayed as June and Ward or Al and Peggy. The Taylors are somewhere in the middle, both functional and happy, but far from perfect. While their conversations are enjoyable and ultra-realistic, the rest of the FNL cast supplies most of the fireworks.

Julie Taylor - Cute, little, innocent Julie finally has her hormones kick in by the end of Season One. As close as they get, you get the feeling that her and new boyfriend/replacement QB Matt Saracen bump uglies, even though they decide not to during one of the middle episodes. Mostly because of this relationship, she decides that she wants to stay in Dillon instead of moving with her pops to Austin. She also forges a relationship with wild child Tyra, who we'll get to in a minute. It looks like Julie might become a little wilder herself during Season Two. With Coach away at TMU, Tami preoccupied with pregnancy, and her running around with the likes of Tyra -- yeah, that's where this is going. Julie's junior year is going to be quite a bit spicier than her sophomore one.

Matt Saracen - Zach Gilford kills it as Matt Saracen, the shy sophomore back-up QB who isn't your typical jock. When Street goes down, Saracen must do something he never expected -- actually step on the field and play. Not only does he turn himself into a player, he starts to grow as a person. His success on the field gives him the confidence to ask out Julie, and she ultimately becomes his girl. He lives alone with his grandma Lorraine, who he takes care of (his single-parent dad is serving in Iraq). In addition to being a football player, live-in nurse and student, he also has a part-time job at a local fast food joint. It's impossible not to root for the kid, especially when Gilford has that underdog thing down to a science. After winning state as a sophomore and getting the girl, however, there isn't really anywhere to go but down for Saracen. Season Two could be a rough one for Dillon's Kurt Warner.

Jason Street - This is the character and the subplot that really made the first season work. With Street -- who started off as a Tom Brady in training with the perfect family and perfect girlfriend --at the helm, everything was too perfect, too pretty. Even though he came off as a nice, humble kid, he was the hardest main character to root for (well, maybe other than his ex Lyla). That all totally changed when he got injured during the opening game and became paralyzed from the waist down. Being confined to a wheelchair is no easy task for an actor, but you never doubt the way Scott Porter plays things. Sometimes Street's side story took the action too far away from the central storyline, but the Street saga was also often a nice break from the football fantasy world of Dillon. After failing to make the quadriplegic rugby, aka "murder ball", national team, he turns his attention to coaching. Coach Taylor actually makes him an assistant coach towards the end of the season. I've read that the new coach -- by the way, I am seriously worried about Chris Mulkey, but I digress -- is going to treat him like dirt. Looks kie Season Two is going to be another ballbuster for the Streetster.

Lyla Garrity - She's smoking hot, but her voice is Fran Drescher-level annoying, yo! Seriously. She's the hardest main character to pull for (her dad Buddy, a sleazy car dealer/football booster, is by far the hardest... but a fantastic character nonetheless), because she's hot, spoiled and headed towards the perfect life as a pro QB's trophy wife. This all changes when Street gets paralyzed, though. Confused as hell, she ends up sleeping with his best friend Tim Riggins (in all fairness, who didn't shack with Riggo?). Her and Street break up, get back together, get engaged and ultimately break up once again. Her dad also has relationship problems when he cheats on his wife with Tyra's mom Angela, a move which ultimately results in a divorce. Rumor has it that to make sense of all of this, Lyla has traded in her cheerleader skirt to walk with Jesus.

(I want to mention Buddy Garrity here again. He isn't listed as a main character, but the guy plays the obsessive booster better than anybody I think I've ever seen. Sometimes you will literally want to beat the bejesus out of his character, but Brad Leland is definitely a scene stealer.)

Tim Riggins - The troubled, talented fullback has three vices -- booze, football and women. Let me take that a little further -- the guy drinks and f***s everything in sight. Give the guy a smoke and he's the town Colin Ferrell. Still, his situation and vulnerability (played just subtly enough by Taylor Kitsch) force you to feel sympathetic towards him. Big No. 33 starts off with Tyra, than dumps her and has an affair with Lyla. Because of this, he loses both girls, but more importantly his wingman -- Street. His troubles don't stop there either. First off, he's struggling in school and might even be illiterate. Then there's the fact that both of his parents ran off on him and his older brother Billy, leaving them to fend for themselves. Lastly, he might be an alcoholic in the making (I prefer the term bing drinker, but that's just me). He's a morose M.F. alright, but a likable one. I especially enjoyed when he started drilling his thirty-something MILF next-door neighbor Jackie (Brooke Langton, The Replacements star who dated both George Clooney and Tiger Woods) at the end of Season One. All I know heading into Season Two is that he still has a thing for Lyla, and that he pulled off a threesome with two sisters during the summer. Same old Timmy, I guess.

Tyra Collette - Man, Adrianne Palicki does it for me. Sorry, had to go there. Always had a thing for those wild, lost-cause sort of hotties, especially when they are 5'11 with killer legs (don't worry -- she's also of age). I'm guessing a lot of you fellas feel me on that one. While many of the show's female viewers probably started out hating Tyra, she pretty much won everyone over by the season's end. Actually, Palicki was such a strong performer that the show's creators turned what was originally supposed to be a supporting character into a primary one. The underachieving student/Applebee's waitress (by the way, Applebee's is a nice touch... for some reason they are like the end-all in every small town) starts of with Riggo, and then has a one-night stand with some douche from Los Angeles. Eventually, Tami gets her to take herself more seriously, and she commits to giving college a run, something nobody in her family has ever done. Still, things look like an uphill battle for Miss Collette. Her mom is a pill popper with an abusive boyfriend (that she eventually ditches, thanks to Tyra), and her sister is a scrippa. Worst of all, she nearly gets raped, barely able to fend off her attacker. That incident brings her closer to the most unlikely of people -- geeky-cool class clown Landry.

Landry Clarke - Jesse Plemons plays the other FNL secondary character that kinda blew up -- Landry. He's Saracen's sidekick, an "A" student and the lead singer of Christian speed metal band Crucifictorious. Originally intended to just bring a little comic relief on the side, Plemons has run away with the character. His natural, often improvisational comedic style really stole the spotlight at times. After Saracen becomes QB1 for the Panthers, Landry is more of a sidekick than ever. He has a plan to change all that, however, starting with his courtship of Tyra. He starts hollering at her midway through Season One, and at first it looks like things are headed nowhere. But then he comes to her aid after she was nearly raped, and everything changes. Nothing happened last season, but these two are headed towards something this season. I'm rooting for him to hook up with Tyra -- she needs a good dude in her life. The big rumor is that Landry also actually joins the football team in Season Two. Look for the 'o7 Richie Cunningham to play a huge role in the series from this point forward.

Smash Williams - Last but not least, we have The Smash --- the only living person who talks about himself in the third person more than Barry Bonds and Chad Johnson combined. Smash can get a little annoying at times, but buried beneath his cloak of cockiness we see the real Smash from time to time -- a scared sh**less teenager, desperate to realize his football dreams and provide for his family. After Street gets hurt, Smash is far and away the Panthers' most talented player. Actually, the star running back is probably the Lone Star State's best RB, and will likely be a pro someday. Early on during last season, he choked and had a piss-poor effort in front of one of college football's biggest recruiting gurus. This prompted The Smash to get on The Juice -- immediately. He had a needle in his ass just hours after the game, but eventually quit when his mom caught him and he got suspended for a game. Smash is a bit of a womanizer, too, but towards the end