EPIC CARNIVAL | SPORTS NEWS WITH A TWIST: Theo Epstein

by E. Spencer Kyte, Bugs and Cranks

I hate the Red Sox. I hate the Celtics. I hate the Patriots. I hate the whole damn area!

As things stand right now, on this fourth day of 2008, the Boston Red Sox are the World Series Champions, the New England Patriots just went 16-0 and should win the Super Bowl and the Boston Celtics are the best team in the NBA, at least as far as records go. On the whole, that blows! No area should be afforded that much success ever, yet alone in the span of one sports year...

For comparison sake, Canada hasn't won anything since 1993 when the Toronto Blue Jays captured the World Series and the Montreal Canadians won the Stanley Cup. Since the Stanley Cup doesn't really count in the US anyway, even though it has resided there ever since, that means the Jays are all I have to hang my hat on and that's for an entire country, not just a region. We're talking about a geographical area in New England that isn't even the size of Newfoundland. This is just brutal!

Here are five reasons why this really sucks:

1. The Patriots Have Been Awesome For A Decade
Remember when the Patriots upset "The Greatest Show on Turf" Rams for their first Super Bowl and were the darlings of the football world? That was nice. Now, now that they are the step on your throat, kick you while you're down, beat you, pick you up and beat you some more Patriots who just went 16-0, I hate them. Special thanks goes out to the other teams in the NFL who insist on trading insanely talented players to the Patriots for 35 cents on the dollar. Thank you Miami (Wes Welker) and Oakland (Randy Moss). And, just to add insult to injury, Tom Brady is bangin' Giselle. Go to Hell Tom Brady, You Greedy Bastard!

2. The Red Sox Aren't Idiots Anymore
Much like their football brethren, the original incarnation of the championship Sox was lovable. They were the underdog before Jason Lee, with a band of characters like Pedro, Cowboy Kevin Millar and ManRam, plus they did something that had never been done before in coming back from 3-0 down to win a series. They even gained extra points for doing it against the goddamn Yankees too! Now, no more idiots, except for Paps. Manny being Manny isn't entertaining anymore, Josh Beckett is too damn good and Theo Epstein is a freakin' genius even if he signed JD Drew to a long-term deal.

3. The Celtics Are Making Danny Ainge & Doc Rivers Look Great
Let me remind you that prior to this season, both of these men should have rightfully been fired. They had accomplished the square root of fuckall and had turned the once proud Celtics into a total laughing stock. They pretty much tanked on purpose last year to try and land Oden or Durant and then even failed to do that. But then Kevin McHale bailed out his old team by shipping KG to town and The Big Ticket has transformed the laughable Celts into legit contenders, despite what Wilbon and Kornheiser might say on PTI. As such, Ainge and Doc look great right now as the GM and Coach of the team with the best record in the NBA, when we all know that they have nothing to do with the success of the Celtics.

4. It's Going to be Like This For A While
The Patriots will remain dominant so long as Tom Brady keeps taking less money to remain in New England and Hobo Bill patrols the sidelines. The Sox are The New Evil Empire, like it or not Bostonians, and will stop at nothing to remain neck and neck with the only team they care about competing with and since the Celtics have Allen locked up until 2010, Pierce through 2011 and KG through 2012, chances are that they have a nice little five year run ready to go starting this season.

5. Eventually, the Bruins Might Catch On
And if that happens, it's a sure sign of The Apocalypse.

As such, here are my hopes for 2008 in regards to the sports franchises residing in the New England area:

The Patriots run into Jacksonville, who beats them up physically. They might not beat them on the scoreboard, but spending an entire game having that line and those backs pounding on you is hard. That way, when Indy comes to town a week later, Peyton, Reggie Wayne and the fresh and ready to go Marvin Harrison can pull an upset, with ex-Pat Adam Vinatieri kicking the winning field goal.

The Red Sox trade for Johan Santana, giving up Jon Lester, Jacoby Ellsbury and a couple others and ink him to a long-term deal. Santana promptly goes out and tears a ligament in his pitcher arm, misses almost two years and the guys they traded away develop into the All-Stars everyone is pretty sure they will be. Sadly, even without Santana and the guys they traded, Boston still makes the playoffs.

Detroit walks into Boston and beats the Celtics on a pair of late free throws by Chauncey Billups, who got to the line by pump faking Tony Allen into the air just like Doc Rivers told him he would. Wait? That already happened? Alright. Forget about the Celtics then...