by The Prophet, The Savage Science
As you can see, I've changed the byline to reflect my *new* website. The fightsport media Death Star known as THE SAVAGE SCIENCE is now fully operational. Much like the 2nd Death Star unveiled in "The Empire Strikes Back" we're still in beta. I expect the major design tweaks to be done by this weekend. Today we'll talk about the many valuable things we learn from celebrities, as well as MMA. Here's a picture of my favorite celebrity, Christina Ricci.
VALUABLE LESSONS TAUGHT BY CELEBRITIES:
I get sick of people decrying America's fascination with "celebrity culture". If you're the type of person who's all worshipful of celebrities you're a pathetic loser (my admiration of Christina Ricci notwithstanding, of course). While there are a handful of celebrities that have served as role models--Hef, Bob Guccione, Sinatra, Hunter S. Thompson, Evel Knievel to name a few--most serve as cautionary examples. At one point, people even called Charles Manson 'crazy'.
Here's what I'm talking about--on balance, I approve of the new trend of young women shaving their nether regions and wearing short dresses without underwear that Britney Spears started. Spears' gnarly shaved cooter, however, revealed the seamy underbelly...uh....the sinister underworld...uh.....the rash and scab infested downside...er...the BAD things that can happen when you shave your cooter. Who knows how many women she spared from the discomfort of shaving without proper lubrication and moisturization (Editor's note: Is that a word?).
We all know that the gals love their celebrities and hang on every word uttered by Oprah, Martha, and Rue McClanahan. Celebrities can teach us men many things as well. Take OJ Simpson--he's taught me so many valuable life lessons. For example, I've learned that retrieving sports memorabilia at gunpoint probably isn't the best idea and at the very least can have a significant downside. Another thing that OJ has taught me is that its probably not wise to leave your girlfriend in the care of Pedro Guerrero:male voice: "October 10,1999 18:15 hours, complaint desk, position number 1."
Another celebrity--whom I think is underrated in terms of the wisdom he can impart upon us--is Robert Blake. If you're like me, you leave guns in restaurants all the time. It happened to Robert Blake, and when he went to retrieve the gun some unknown assailant shot and killed his battle ax of a girlfriend. So make sure you double check your surroundings before you leave a restaurant for any misplaced handguns.
Operator: "Where's your emergency?"
Simpson: "We have a problem here. I'm trying to get a girl to go to rehab..."
Operator: "Does anyone need rescue?"
Simpson: "She's been doing drugs for two days with Pedro Guerrero, who just got arrested for cocaine, and I'm trying to get her to leave her house and go into rehab right now."
Operator: "Is anyone hitting anyone right now?"
Simpson: "No, no. It's nothing like that."
Operator: "Does anyone have any weapons?"
Simpson: "No, no..."
Operator: "Does the girl need a rescue?"
Simpson: "No she doesn't need a rescue..."
In the coming weeks we'll learn more valuable lessons from celebrities.
MY BADDEST MAN ON THE PLANET SELECTION FORTHCOMING:
I hope you enjoyed my overview on "toughness" posted on this fine website last week. Later today or tomorrow, I'll reveal a few random runners up for the title, as well as my choice for the baddest sumbitch walking the face of the earth.
THE SAVAGE SCIENCE--MMA, MAYHEM AND MORE
As noted above, my long awaited website THE SAVAGE SCIENCE is up and running. As noted above, its in "beta" now but should have most of the kinks worked out by early next week. There's already a bunch of content posted with more to come.
It's been a lot of work getting the website going--I really need a vacation. I made the mistake of trying to do too much at one time--leaving the sports handicapping profession, moving across country and trying to get established, putting The Savage Science together and keeping my other writing duties up to date. During that time I was sickened in some sinister plot by Bob Costas to undermine the work that we do here at EC.
It's been a major pain in the ass, but everything is coming together now. I want to thank the Epic Carnival braintrust for having my back during this transitional time. As a result, they'll have my undying loyalty. Those that tried to undermine me during the past few months, or just plain pissed me off, will have to suffer my vengeful wrath for all eternity--much like the great Black Sabbath song "Iron Man" with the exception of the "vengeance from the grave" part. I'll be wreaking my vengeful havoc from Portland, OR.
TUESDAY TAPOUT NOW THURSDAY TAPOUT:
Also, we've moved the Tuesday Tapout to Thursday, which means this is now the Thursday Tapout. I thought about calling it the "Thursday Tuesday Tapout, or "The Tuesday Tapout now on Thursday" but renaming it as "The Thursday Tapout" seems most expedient.
UFC 83 COMING THIS WEEKEND!:
UFC 83 heads to Montreal for a big card this Saturday night headlined by Georges St. Pierre vs. Matt Serra for the welterweight title. The city is geeked for the event, and it sold out faster than any UFC event in history. I'll be doing a live round by round somewhere...if its cool with the management of this fine website I'll do it here. Otherwise, I'll do it at ProphetFighting or if the "round by round" thing is set up on The Savage Science I'll do it there. My guess is it'll be here, assuming Doug doesn't have something else going on.
WRITE FOR THE SAVAGE SCIENCE!!
We're always looking for new writing talent at the Savage Science. But we've looked and looked and just couldn't find any. As a result, we're going to take what we can get.
Obviously this is for the 20% or so of the EC readership that isn't incarcerated, senile or housebound but if you want to write about MMA or anything else of interest to the 18-35 male demographic that fits into our intentionally broad topic area of "MMA, mayhem and more" drop me a line at savagescience@gmail.com. No experience necessary, but you have to be a quick witted bastard. This could be your entree into the fast paced, exciting world of fight sport journalism plus we'll be paying our writers in actual US currency. It won't be a whole shitload at first, but as soon as we get all of the tech stuff that's costing an arm and a leg done it'll go up.
So if you want to write drop me a line at the email above. If you're a Carnie and you want to write drop me a line via the usual channels.
BACK LATER THIS WEEK:
That's it for now--back later this week with my choice for baddest SOB walking the face of the earth and much more. Don't miss UFC 83 this Saturday and visit The Savage Science, dammit:
MMA MAYHEM AND MORE AT THE SAVAGE SCIENCE
Thursday, April 17, 2008
THE PROPHET'S THURSDAY TAPOUT: THIS IS HOW I CHILL, MA'AM EDITION
Friday, March 28, 2008
THE PROPHET'S TUESDAY TAPOUT: SPECIAL FRIDAY EDITION
by The Prophet, ProphetFighting
I want to apologize for not getting the Tuesday Tapout up until late Thursday/early Friday but I've been busier than Paul Lynde at a Boy Scout Jamboree. As most of you know I've recently relocated to the Rose City aka Portland, OR. Portland is a great city but what I didn't expect is that they have an entirely different method of keeping time here. For example, its now 1 AM Friday morning on the East Coast but here in Portland its only 10 PM Thursday night! Crazy,huh? In addition to having to buy all new clocks since mine all ran three hours too late its really done a number on my biological clock. Anyway, we've got two big announcements in this week's edition so lets get right to it. Since the Tapout this week has something of a Japanese theme, here's a picture of the PRIDE girls....
THE PROPHET *AND* THE EC'S FEARLESS LEADER SICK!! IS BOB COSTAS TO BLAME?
First all, I want to send my get well wishes to our fearless leader Doug who's been under the weather lately. I'm not 100% convinced that there's not more to this story than meets the eye. Pretty strange coincidence that both I *and* the creative visionary behind this website gets sick right after that diatribe I wrote a couple of weeks ago entitled "Bob Costas is a douchebag"? Now I'm not saying that Bob himself is responsible or even capable of masterminding a biological attack against the Epic Carnival braintrust. I do know, however, that he has a cadre of vile henchmen under his control that are willing to do anything for their "master".
I don't have time right now to research this any further but let me make myself perfectly clear: Costas--you're in over your head here and writing checks that your tiny body can't cash. I can't speak for everyone here at EC, but you're not messing with a group of sycophantic Sportscenter anchor wanna-bes here that'll defer to your every whim and bow down in your mere presence. Here at EC, we're old school--not Ernie Hallwell and Vin Scully "old school" to evoke the name of two baseball icons who could play-by-play circles around your sorry ass on their worst day. We're "from the street" old school--I may come off as all urbane and sophisticated now but don't forget that I came up on the "mean streets" of Bountiful, Utah. Drive-bys were an every day occurrence, gang warfare was the norm and not the exception and as a result I don't play with fools like you. I don't know all of the details of our fearless leader Doug's background--he's really hesitant to talk about it for some reason. I do know a few things about him and they're not good and definitely not the background of someone you want to piss off, Costas. Remember the iconic Dr. Dre video "Nuttin But a G-Thing"? Remember at the very beginning when Dre's heading over to Snoop's crib and there's a few big O.G.'s pushing weight on the front yard? Our fearless leader Doug *is* one of those guys--he was supposed to go on tour with Dre and Snoop but he was simply too much of a violent madman for Dre's gang banger/thug associates to handle.
So I'm not going to warn you again, Costas. You're really too small for me to challenge to a street fight, let alone a fight inside a cage or a ring under MMA rules. But heed my words, Bob--we *know* you're somehow behind the recent illness of both myself and the master of us EC puppets, Doug. You're getting off lucky this time, Costas, but don't make the mistake of crossing us again. Among the very bad people I know are some retired jockeys who now run with a west coast biker gang called "El Poco Diablos". They're just the right size to come kick your ass should that become necessary. Don't push us...
NO POWER VACUUM AT THE EPIC CARNIVAL:
Despite Doug's illness I want to reassure the other Carnies and our readership that there is a steady hand on the helm. Those of you who are around the same age that I am recall when President Ronald Reagan was shot--in the hours that followed Secretary of State Al Haig reassured a shaken nation and simultaneously demonstrated his complete ignorance of the Constitutional process for eventualities just like the one at hand. Haig got a lot of heat for his attempt to assume power, but his heart was in the right place--he wanted to make it clear to our country's enemies both foreign and domestic that while President Reagan may have been temporarily incapacitated that we still weren't a country to be trifled with.
So until Doug fully recovers from his diabolical illness suffered at the hands of Bob Costas and/or his vile henchmen I want to paraphrase the words that Al Haig used to restore the confidence of a scared and confused nation: Until Doug is back to 100%, I'm the king ding-a-ling around these parts.
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT #1:
Here's the first of two big announcements. As most of you know, for the past couple of years I have been known as "The Future of Fight Sport Journalism"(TM). While I'm very proud of having been designated such, I'm of the opinion now that I've outgrown this sobriquet. The title was given to me with respect and awe, but now it only serves to minimize my significance to the world of fight sport journalism.
For that reason, I am voluntarily vacating my "Future of Fight Sport Journalism" (TM) title. The title will remain in "the family", however, as I am hereby awarding the "Future of Fight Sport Journalism" title to my associate Glenn Rockwell. Mr. Rockwell's work will be appearing soon on THE SAVAGE SCIENCE website and I may even approach him about posting here. Be looking for the launch of THE SAVAGE SCIENCE within a matter of days--it'll be the new home of both myself and the "NEW future of fightsport journalism" Glenn Rockwell as well as making the other MMA sites online look backwards and amateurish.
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT #2:
Having vacated my "Future of FightSport Journalism"(TM) title I want to make this announcement immediately to forestall any sort of power struggle in the fight sport journalism community.
In April of 1989, NWA International Champion Jumbo Tsuruta defeated Stan Hansen in Tokyo. With the victory, Tsuruta won Hansen's PWF Heavyweight Championship and the NWA United National Championship thus unifying the top three singles championship in the All Japan Pro Wrestling promotion. The combined championships became known as the "All Japan Pro Wrestling Triple Crown Heavyweight Championship" and was quickly regarded as the most prestigious accomplishment in Japanese pro wrestling, if not worldwide. In addition to Tsuruta, the AJPW Triple Crown has been held by legends such as the late Terry Gordy, the aforementioned Stan Hansen, Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada, Gordy's partner in the "Miracle Violence Combination" tag team Steve "Dr. Death" Williams, Kenta Kobashi, Big Van Vader and perhaps my all time favorite pro wrestler, The Great Muta.
I give you this background because as I spent the past few days conferring with fight sport journalism experts, heads of state and spiritual leaders from around the globe during the process of making this decision I had an important realization--I'm something of a "triple crown" champion of fight sport journalism. I'm considered a world class authority on boxing, mixed martial arts and professional wrestling. While there are other experts and talented journalists in each of these disciplines, none can claim my knowledge and credibility in all three.
For that reason, I am proclaiming myself the "Undisputed Triple Crown Champion of Fight Sport Journalism". As soon as Doug gets over his illness I'm sure he'll gladly volunteer $10,000 or so from the EC "belts, trophies and ribbons" budget to finance an appropriately impressive championship belt.
While I'll always be a part of the sports journalism donkey show that is the EPIC CARNIVAL, to see me at the top of my game you'll have to head over my soon-to-be launched MMA deathstar known as THE SAVAGE SCIENCE. It'll be launching in a matter of days, but for now head over and join our mailing list or our MySpace friends group. It'll be the ONLY place where you can enjoy the writing not only of "The NEW Future of Fight Sport Journalism" Glenn Rockwell, but yours truly--better known to the teeming masses as "The Undisputed Triple Crown Champion of Fight Sport Journalism".
WRESTLEMANIA PLAY BY PLAY COMING THIS WEEKEND (MOST LIKELY):
Assuming that my always balky Comcast cable PPV cooperates, I'll be doing a play by play of Sunday's WWE WRESTLEMANIA here at the Epic Carnival. I don't really pay much attention to the current WWE product, but I'll likely get it to watch the Floyd Mayweather/Big Show proceedings so I figured I might as well do the play by play here . That way those of you who are incarcerated, bedridden or just plain not smart enough to steal your neighbor's cable feed can follow the event. We'll get started up around 7 PM EDT, which I think equates to 4 PM EDT here on the west coast.
ELITE XC ROUND BY ROUND ON PROPHET FIGHTING THIS SATURDAY (maybe):
I might Tivo it and find something better to do on a Saturday night, but if not I'll be doing a round by round on the EliteXC card headlined by Frank Shamrock vs. Kung Le. It'll be over at ProphetFighting.com so check it out if you're so inclined...
PROPHETFIGHTING.COM--ELITE XC ROUND BY ROUND
And don't miss the forthcoming launch of the website that will do to the online fight sport journalism scene what the Death Star did for intergalactic political relations:
THE SAVAGE SCIENCE--MMA, MAYHEM AND MORE
And you gambling degenerates out there make sure to check out my associate Edo's website BetWWX.com--there you'll find all sorts of free plays, writeups, etc.
BETWWX.COM--FREE SPORTS BETTING PICKS
That's it for now...don't miss the Wrestlemania festivities this weekend...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
THE PROPHET'S TUESDAY TAPOUT: BAD ASS WELCOME MAT EDITION
by The Prophet, ProphetFighting
Welcome to the latest installment of The Prophet's Tuesday Tapout. As many of you know, I recently relocated to Portland, OR. I've been hard at work getting settled in to my new crib but now I need to call upon those of you out there in EC land for help. No, I don't need to have a Slurpee made, a body disposed of, a license plate or a "shiv" made or a bunch of tin cans collected despite the fact that this is the extent of most Carnies' professional qualifications. I need some help decorating my new abode but we'll get to that in a moment. Obviously its hard to find a picture to go along with my "theme" this week so we'll go off the board again. I've been told that there's nothing worth seeing in Philadelphia and that I should stay away. This picture of a gaggle of random Philly Rollergirls seems to suggest otherwise....
I NEED A BAD ASS WELCOME MAT:
There's a ton of news in the MMA world this week--so much that I really can't cover it all in one column. In fact, for that reason I probably won't even try. If you want to stay up to date you need to check out ProphetFighting or wait anxiously for the impending launch of my new fightsport "DeathStar" to be called The Savage Science. If you want to stay up to date on Savage Science developments drop me a line at savagescience@gmail.com or visit the Savage Science MySpace page. I'll try to get to as much of the important MMA news as I can, but I'm reminded of the response of Sandra Bernhardt when someone asked her to quiet down at the premier of former friend Madonna's "Body of Evidence": "THIS IS NOT A SERIOUS MOTION PICTURE".
So back to the lecture at hand....I just moved into this older art deco condo building in Portland. Everyone has welcome mats in front of their doorway despite the fact that if anyone entering was *going* to wipe their feet they would have done it in the lobby, on the carpet in the hallway, in the elevator or well in advance of reaching your door. I think its more of an attempt to be clever and most of the mats are whimsical with cutesy frogs or new agey ones with unicorns and the like.
Obviously, I'll be having none of that. I want to establish from the start that I'm not a guy that the other residents can trifle with. I've sent a few subtle signals--like wearing my six ounce MMA gloves whenever I need to go anywhere in the building--but my thinking is that there's no better way to "mark my territory" than throwing a bad ass welcome mat in front of my crib.
There's only one problem--I've had a hell of a time finding a welcome mat that is sufficiently bad ass enough for me. A friend of mine tried to explain why this is the case--a welcome mat, they theorized, should be "warm and welcoming". I thought he was suggesting that I was some kind of a pussy so I kicked his ass. After his jaw healed up somewhat, he clarified that he wasn't suggesting that *I* was soft but rather than the average homeowner who'd be purchasing a welcome mat would want it to evoke a feeling of warmth, love and hospitality.
Undaunted, I took to the Internet and headed over to that website that George W. Bush likes so much "The Google". I typed in some search terms for welcome mats that I thought would look pretty cool and convey that I was a bad ass dude and that the other condo residents should give me wide berth. Much to my dismay, search after search came up empty: "grim reaper welcome mat"..."spawn of the underworld welcome mat"..."vampire bat welcome mat"...."ghastly severed head welcome mat"...."cattle mutilation welcome mat" and so forth. I thought I had found something when "skull welcome mat" returned a number of results but they were all new agey looking southwestern cattle skulls and not cool skulls like Iron Maiden's iconic mascot Eddie.
Since I am the "future of fightsport journalism" (TM) and all of that I really don't have time to search around on the Internet all day looking for a bad ass welcome mat. On the other hand, most of you Carnies do. Since all you'll be doing on a day-to-day basis is waiting for the unemployment check to come and watching cartoons take some time to help me out. I haven't decided what the prize will be yet but the reader who finds me the best welcome mat and either posts it in the comments or emails it to me at savagescience@gmail.com will get a prize of some sort. You don't have to *buy* the welcome mat for me, but if you insist I won't discourage it.
Here's a few rules--I make the final determination of bad ass-edness. No sports team logos, NASCAR mats, etc. They're just not bad ass enough. The only one I've seen that is sort of cool is a mat with the message "Come back when you have a warrant". That's in the right ballpark, but my concern here is that it would encourage the local busybodies to snoop around all up in my business. I don't want any of that--I simply want to create a sufficient aura of fear and mystery that they leave me alone.
There's your assignment...get to work, dammit...
MMA NEWS:
There's a ton of MMA news this week and I really encourage you to go over to ProphetFighting and read about it. First of all, a heads up on a couple of upcoming events worth watching. This weekend on Showtime EliteXC has a big event headlined by a main event featuring our guy Kimbo Slice against washed up brawler Tank Abbott. There's even a couple of decent matches on the undercard. On Wednesday night, the UFC owned WEC organization will have a live event broadcast on the Versus TV network. That's the one that used to be the "Outdoor Life Channel" and then "OLN" that the NHL games and all of the bull riding is on. No big names on the WEC card but on paper it looks like an action packed event with a bunch of up-and-coming fighters that should go at each other like rabid weasels.
Also in the news--UFC President Dana White has apparently run off yet another top ten heavyweight in the person of Mirko Cro Cop. The Croatian striking machine has announced that he'll be at a Tokyo press conference later today to announce a new MMA organization which involves the K1 kickboxing promotion and executives from Dreamstage Entertainment, which used to own PRIDE. Let's see...Fedor...Josh Barnett...Randy Couture....and now Mirko Cro Cop....that's 4 of the top 10 heavyweights in the world that Dana White either ran off, has a grudge against, or alienated into signing elsewhere.
In more UFC news, the shell company that the UFC owners set up after they bought the Japanese MMA organization PRIDE is suing a bunch of former PRIDE execs. They're essentially trying to pass the buck on their shoddy due diligence prior to the purchase. Also, in another Vince McMahon/WWE-like product failure, the Xycience brand of energy drinks that is well known to anyone who owns a TV set has filed for bankruptcy. The company was heavily bankrolled by UFC owners Frank and Lorenzo Fertita.
Anyway, if you want to stay ahead of the curve on MMA and boxing news head over to Prophet Fighting. We'll be back later in the week with more on the Butterbean/Blaine fiasco and more fight sport news....until then FIND ME A WELCOME MAT, DAMMIT!!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
THE PROPHET'S THURSDAY TAPOUT: "SPECIAL THURSDAY EDITION" EDITION
by The Prophet, ProphetFighting
Don't soil yourself....your eyes aren't deceiving you. This is a special Thursday Edition of my award winning column "The Tuesday Tapout". There's a few news items from the MMA world I'm going to tell you about, but the real reason I'm here is that I'm pissed off and need to vent. I would have had this posted yesterday but I couldn't think of a good alliteration with "Wednesday". Actually, I've been through a lot in the past 24 hours and it would make me feel better if I talked about it....I couldn't think of any picture that would fit with the theme so here's a hot chick in a schoolgirl outfit and glasses...
THE PROPHET'S WIRELESS INTERNET MAELSTROM
Some people really have their nerve…here I am the future of fightsport journalism (TM) and I’m being forced to type this up in Microsoft Word and post it later. Until last night I was content using some unknown neighbor’s unsecured wireless access. Now the SOB has gone and secured it—no doubt he’s some sissy-boy who doesn’t enjoy manly things like beer, dogs, cigars, porno and fighting. If I can figure out who it is I’ll have to make a note to kick his ass. At the very least I’ll have to put the fear of God into him for being so inconsiderate and causing me so much inconvenience. If I had his phone number I’d would have woken up my assistant, Jodi, and ask her to call him and find out what the hell his deal is.
In addition to delaying this post he clearly doesn’t realize just how important it is for me to have my finger on the pulse of the boxing/MMA community 24/7. How am I supposed to do that now that he’s gone and secured his wireless access point? And I have a hard time keeping my cool when I think of how he’s put me out—I’ve now got to call the local cable company and make an appointment to get my own broadband Internet hooked up. They’ll want to set up an appointment time and will expect me to actually be here and wait up to 2 hours until they arrive. They’ll even expect me to pay for their service. All because this anonymous neighbor was so damn egocentric (that means he can’t think of anyone but himself for those of you who aren’t fellow Mensa members) everyone has to suffer—the fightsport journalism profession, my fans and followers and, most importantly, myself.
Sure, he may have suffered some temporary bandwith issues but its important to keep in mind that I just moved here. You think this clown would understand that I have to get all 81 UFC events and the entire catalogs of Frank Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, Motley Crue, Metallica, Guns & Roses and KISS and I need them now. And if I don’t download them via Bit Torrent how the hell am I supposed to get them? It reminds me of a quote that I heard once that some famous guy said—the quote was “Ask not what you can do for yourself, but ask what you can do for the future of fightsport journalism(TM).” That might not be verbatim, but you get the general idea.
The result of all of this is that I’ll be without Internet access in my crib for almost 24 hours. What is the world coming to when fightsport journalists of the highest order—me, for example--have to work under such barbaric conditions? It’s almost like this video I saw on TV once of this place in the Third World or somewhere where they don’t even have good clothes, decent restaurants or anywhere to buy premium cigars. I thought it was like a planet on “Star Trek” or something until the girl giving me the lap dance told me that this hellhole really exists. It’s bad enough that anyone has to live in such primitive conditions but the thought that I should have to do so—even for less than a day—is what really should be keeping people up at night.
I tried to call one of my “computer security specialists” and see if he could figure out a way to bypass the wireless security. This is illegal, of course, but my attorney says that they make exceptions for situations that are in “the interest of national security”. Under his interpretation of the law, that covers doing research for an article on Tim Sylvia and similar requirements of the MMA journalism profession. To add insult to injury, my emergency call to my computer guy rolled over to voicemail. I’m concerned that he’s nodded off or something when he knows that he’s supposed to be on call during all of my “peak writing hours”.
The problem may be that this guy still lives in the Eastern Time Zone—I told him that the best way for him to deal with the fact that I was henceforth going to be on Pacific Time was to set his clock back and start living his life three hours earlier. That way when it was 1:20 AM here on the west coast, it would be 1:20 AM there and it would basically be the same time, at least as far as he was concerned. He made some feeble excuse about his school, job and family still existing on Eastern Time but I explained that he should just ask them to set *their* clocks back three hours as well. For a guy so smart about computers he sure lacks common sense sometimes. I guess that commitment to a job well done isn’t “groovy” or “with-it” to the younger generation. I’ve tried to be a role model to this kid and he’s seen how *I’ll* put in the extra effort—working five, sometimes six hours in the *same day* if necessary to get the news from the fight world out to my clamoring readership. Of course I’ll take a nap at some point during this six hour stretch, but on the rare occasions when I have to put in these brutal hours its not like anyone can blame me.
So as you're reading this post and my future posts remember the amazing tenacity I'm demonstrating by getting them posted at all--I'm not one to rest on my laurels and when the world throws overwhelming adversity at me I man up and go the extra mile....
KIMBO SLICE/TANK ABBOTT COMING NEXT WEEKEND:
I was extremely disappointed by the cancellation of their originally scheduled meeting, but Kimbo Slice v. Tank Abbott will finally take place next Saturday night, February 16th as the main event of an EliteXC card to be broadcast on Showtime. Sure, Kimbo got his start fighting big rastas and nightclub bouncers in vacant lots and boat dealerships he's been training with Bas Rutan and is no joke. For some reason, I've heard from a lot of people that think Tank has a legit shot in this fight. Consider that Tank has a career MMA record of 9-13, has one victory in his L8 fights dating back to 1998 and that win was over Wesley "Cabbage" Correira who'll never be mistaken for Fedor Emelianenko. This victory was avenging a loss to "Cabbage" and losing to this guy is just pitiful. Before that, Tank last beat a serious opponent...uh....never?
Tank's a guy who brags about not training and who's fighting style was outmoded back in the mid 1990s. Plus he's an old dude. For reasons unbeknownst to me people still act like he's some kind of badass. He really never was and he definitely ain't one now. Kimbo wins this by first round TKO and may teabag the prone Abbott for good measure....
FRENCH CANADIANS GO BONKERS FOR MMA:
On last Saturday's UFC Dana "King of the F-Bomb" White announced a show for the Bell Center in Montreal to be headlined by homeboy Georges St. Pierre against Matt Serra for the welterweight title. Presale tickets were offered to members of the UFC mailing list this weekend and the French Canadians bought them up faster than a deal on Molson's Beer or Guy Lafluer bobblehead dolls. As of Wednesday all of the presale tickets had been sold--all 14,000 of them, meaning that since ducats hadn't been offered to the general public yet the event was almost certain to sell out within hours. Already the UFC is planning to set up some closed circuit locations and sell tickets for those....
This enthusiastic reaction from Quebecers to MMA caught be by surprise and I'm having a hard time making sense of it. Sure, GSP is a native of Montreal and the fight against Serra should be a good one but that doesn't explain tickets selling at a pace you'd expect for a Rush/Tragically Hip concert but not for an MMA event. I'm going to be doing some more research on whats up with MMA in Montreal, but for the moment at least its damn near inexplicable.
UFC SUING FORMER PRIDE OWNERS:
I've contended for months now that the UFC's purchase of PRIDE was a corporate fiasco on the level of "new Coke". The Fertita brothers dropped somewhere between $60 and $70 million for an organization that was about to go under due to shoddy business practices, didn't do any due diligence, acted all surprise to find out that their books and legal affairs were in disarray and then completely bungled just about everything they did with the company after they bought it. That's a whole other can of worms, but the story for now is that the Fertita's (or, more specifically, the corporate structure they set up for their ownership of PRIDE) are suing the organizations former owners, Dream Stage Entertainment. Basically, they bought the proverbial "pig in the poke", and now they're trying to sue the pig.
My theory for awhile now is that the Fertita's bought PRIDE as a means to lose enough money on paper to offset profits elsewhere. Who knows what their real intention was--but to resort to legal action as a remedy for problems caused by their poor analysis of the deal and complete bungling of everything after the purchase, is downright silly...
GET THE LATEST FIGHT SPORT COMMENTARY AT PROPHETFIGHTING
We'll be back on Tuesday with our regularly scheduled column, and don't be surprised to see a bonus column before then. Until then, get the latest on boxing and MMA at ProphetFighting...
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
THE PROPHET'S TUESDAY TAPOUT: URINE SOAKED WINO EDITION
by The Prophet, ProphetFighting
Welcome to my second Tuesday Tapout from my new digs in the Rose City of Portland, OR. If you're wondering about the title of this edition of the Tapout, it'll probably make more sense to you if you were around for our live UFC 81 round by round over at Prophet Fighting. If you weren't, you can relive my remarks about how winos/bums/homeless dudes or whatever you want to call them are a "protected species" here in Rip City. Unfortunately (or maybe it's *not* unfortunate) I couldn't come up with a graphic to match the title of this edition. So I've posted a picture of Gina Carano at a weigh-in because I know that our fearless leader Doug will like it...
SUPERBOWL MEA CULPA:
Several days ago I posted a link to my Superbowl selection at BetWWX--a sports handicapping and betting information blog--where I'm a contributing writer. If any of you read that, I want to apologize for it. Not for getting the Superbowl side and total wrong--I was hardly the only one that missed it and it wasn't my fault that the New England Patriots become such an emotionally fragile bunch down the stretch. I want to apologize for even mentioning the 2007 Pats in the same breath as the greatest team in NFL history, the 1985 Chicago Bears. I read any number of articles prior to the game speculating how a matchup between Ditka's "Monsters of the Midway" and Belichick's 2007 Pats would go--I can tell you right now how it would go. It would be ugly. If Tom Brady and the Patriots fell apart under the weight of the NY Giants pass rush, how do you think it would go for them with Dan Hampton, Mike Singletary and the nastiest defense in NFL history breathing down their necks? Brady and Belichick would have been teabagged--not "metaphorically teabagged" but *literally* teabagged.
Someone suggested that the Pats downfall was pissing off the Giants by going ahead and titling the book about their season "19-0". It probably pissed them off, but if the Pats had any stones it wouldn't have mattered. This is another place where the 2007 Pats don't deserve to be in the same conversation as the 1985 Bears. The Bears, if you'll recall, basically called their shot with a horrible rap song and downright pitiful video called "Superbowl Shuffle". And they were such badasses that no one could do anything about it!
Now, I'm not a Pats hater or anything. I honestly could care less about them. And I'm not a Chicago homer (though I've always been a big fan of Jim McMahon) but you've got to be realistic here. Consider how the Pats sleepwalked into the Superbowl with a couple of lackluster performances--the '85 Bears won their playoff games to get to the Superbowl by a combined score of 45-0. Throw in the Superbowl result and that's a 91-10 combined score in the frickin' NFL playoffs! So much for parity...
The only thing the Pats did well on Sunday was play defense--at least until it counted with the game on the line. And while I'm at it, lets talk about Tom Brady....he's got the jewelry and seems like a good guy but he didn't exactly distinguish himself with his toughness on Sunday. While we're comparing the 1985 Bears to these Patriots let's not forget the quarterbacks--Jim McMahon (who attended one of my high school's big rivals, the Roy High School Royals in...uh...scenic...Roy, Utah). McMahon's teammates have said over and over again that they'd "go to war" with the guy--and they didn't mean they'd "play hard" for him. They LITERALLY meant they'd go to war with him. Brady throws a much better ball than McMahon could ever dream of, but Jimmy Mac had a bigger set of balls and sometimes that's the important thing.
And let's consider how the two men handled the media--Brady kept preening for the cameras as he campaigned for People Magazine's "Sexiest Man in America" award and kept answering questions about his wittle hurt ankle. McMahon played most of his career on knees that Bobby Orr wouldn't have wanted and don't forget how he dealt with the media when they were obsessing over a bruise on his ass before the 1985 Pro Bowl: he dropped his pants and showed them the "brown eye". If nothing else, McMahon deserves our respect for how he handled the situation when pulled over for suspicion of DUI in Florida a few years back: instead of arguing with the cop, instead of pulling the "do you know who I am card" he got out of his vehicle and told the cop "I'm drunk; you got me".
Again I'll state for the record that I'm not a Pats hater or anything--I'm more of a hater of unjustified media hype. And I apologize for doing my little part in perpetuating it.
UFC 81: BROCK LESNAR LOSES, ANTONIO RODRIGO NOGUEIRA BECOMES INTERIM HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP
At UFC 81--which I did another masterful job covering live over at ProphetFighting despite some barbaric working conditions--former WWE superstar Brock Lesnar lost his UFC debut when he got overly aggressive and made the mistake of dangling his ankle in the face of Frank Mir. Mir happens to be a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu black belt and jumped on the ankle like a rabid wolverine jumping on a pork chop, forcing Lesnar to tap to a deep knee bar. Lesnar had dominated until that point and the match went much the same way as Mir's UFC heavyweight title win over Tim Sylvia a few years back--only Lesnar had the good sense to tap rather than wait for his limb to be broken in half like Sylvia did.
In the main event, the aforementioned Tim Sylvia used his height and reach advantage to keep Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira on the outside for a couple of rounds. Early in the third, however, "Minotauro" took Sylvia down and locked in an Anaconda choke forcing the tapout. Credit Sylvia from learning from the Mir loss; he had the presence of mind to tap before the Brazilian choked him into unconsciousness.
The big story of the night was Lesnar, who despite the loss showed a ton of promise. I wrote before the match that the man was no joke, and despite not beating a mudhole into Mir's face for the victory his performance only enhanced by belief that Brock is the real thing.
BARNETT/YOSHIDA SCHEDULED, MIRKO CRO COP NOT RETIRING:
In other MMA news, yet another new promotion launches in Japan with their first show scheduled for March 5th. "World Victory Road", who hopes to emulate the top notch matchups and lame organization name that PRIDE set the standard for, will feature a matchup between judo badass Hidehiko Yoshida and arguably my favorite MMA fighter, the "Baby Faced Assassin" Josh Barnett. Don't be fooled by Yoshida's 7-5 record as a MMA pro: he was basically thrown in over his head from the beginning of his MMA career to capitalize on his huge popularity in Japan. The guy fought Don Frye--maybe the toughest man walking the face of the earth--in his MMA debut! Yoshida is a legit legend in his sport and basically one of the most respected judoka walking the face of the earth. They don't just give away Olympic Gold Medals in judo and Yoshida has one.
Josh Barnett is on a short list of the top heavyweight MMA fighters in the world. He's a former UFC heavyweight champion and went on to an impressive career in PRIDE after that. If you're wondering why he's not in the UFC now it's because Dana White doesn't like him. Really.
This should be a great fight--Barnett is a wrestling monster and I think his size and strength, along with his wide array of submissions, gives him the edge. There's no doubt that Yoshida will show up to fight since he's about the toughest SOB anywhere--after all he had the balls to fight Don Frye in his first MMA bout. He's been in since with a veritable who's who of the sport--the freakishly large and strong James Thompson, Mirko Cro Cop, Wanderlei Silva (twice), Frye, Royce Gracie and Mark Hunt. In other words, he's not going to be intimidated and this has the potential to be a fight of the year candidate.
Here's the latest from our Croatian MMA insider--if you watched Dana White's post UFC 81 press conference you heard him say that Mirko Cro Cop has essentially been MIA. The f-bomb spewing head of the UFC said that he hadn't heard from Team Cro Cop since his last fight and that the Croatian striking machine had until yesterday--the ever diplomatic White called it a "deadline"--to let him know his plans. White insinuated that Cro Cop might retire and this became a big story in the online MMA media and in Mirko's home country. Problem is nobody told Cro Cop about the deadline--he told the Croatian media that he didn't know what Dana White was talking about, that he'd been in touch with the UFC offices in Las Vegas and that he was in training and ready to fight anyone put in front of him. You can read more about this at ProphetFighting by clicking the link below:
Dana White says Cro Cop might retire; Cro Cop says "Whaaaa?" @ ProphetFighting
BACK LATER THIS WEEK WITH BONUS PROPHET PONTIFICATION!
Dammit...I'm all out of time and I didn't get a chance to tell you about my run-in with a couple of urine soaked winos. I want to apologize for getting preoccupied with the MMA news and neglecting to cover what you *really* come here for--to hear about me, my life, and my philosophies of life. To rectify that I'll be back later this week with a bonus column. If I can think of a good alliterative, MMA related word that starts with a "W" I may be back as soon as tomorrow; otherwise it'll be a special "Thursday Tapout"...or a "Friday Frontkick". Anyway, just pay attention...
To stay up to date on the world of boxing and MMA go to ProphetFighting
Visit my Eastern Europe correspondant Edo's site, where you gambling degenerates out there can get wagering tips and advice. It's called BetWWX
Get ready for my forthcoming MMA super center site, "The Savage Science". If "Tuesday Tapout" is a 24 hour adult video store, and "ProphetFighting" is a swanky fightsport commentary boutique then "The Savage Science" will be like a big ass Wal-Mart. Actually, it'll be more of a Target since they have better stuff. You can join the SavSci mailing list by clicking the link below, or by visiting our MySpace profile and "friend-ing" us:
JOIN THE SAVAGE SCIENCE EMAIL LIST!!
VISIT THE SAVAGE SCIENCE MYSPACE PROFILE!!
Until next time, keep the bugs off your glass and bugs off your ass. (I hear CB lingo is due for a big comeback)
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
THE PROPHET'S TUESDAY TAPOUT: ROSE CITY RELOCATION EDITION
by The Prophet, ProphetFighting
"I came through and I shall return"
--General Douglas MacArthur
After being relieved from his command of the Allied armies in the Philippines, General Douglas MacArthur uttered this memorable quote. And damned if he didn't do it against all odds, earning the Medal of Honor in the process.
In the proud tradition of General MacArthur, The Prophet has returned. And while MacArthur may have seen firsthand the horrors of war and the Bataan Death March, the Prophet has endured hardships that he could only dream of. It is difficult to accurately convey my journey of the past month or so in this limited space, so look for me to share my tales of valor and courage under the most unspeakable adversity over the next few weeks.
As I oh so cleverly alluded to in the title of this article, I've relocated to the Rose City of Portland, Oregon. While Portland didn't offer the most attractive package of financial incentives and tax breaks, it won the Prophet relocation on the strength of its beauty, livability, fine restaurants, top notch microbreweries, award winning wine and the ubiquity of espresso. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm sick of having to drive everywhere so its pedestrian friendly layout was also a major factor and in reality is what earned it the victory in the "Prophet sweepstakes" over the closest contender, Las Vegas, NV. And even though Vegas offered some very attractive financial incentives, plied me with some very attractive and talented "economic development hostesses" for a weekend and agreed to wave some zoning restrictions to facilitate construction of the Prophet/Savage Science office complex overlooking Lake Las Vegas, I didn't want to spend any more time stuck in traffic. I still love Las Vegas and will certainly be spending my share of time there in my role as the "Future of FightSport Journalism" (TM) On a day to day basis, however, Portland is a better fit and a better environment for me to pump out the literary lifeblood that your anemic intellect so desperately needs.
TIM SYLVIA HAD SEX WEARING THE UFC HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP BELT
We'll get back to the important subject at hand--me,my relocation and my future activities--in a moment but I just heard about this today and I'm afraid that the mental image will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Tim Sylvia, former UFC heavyweight champion and big dumb hick from Maine was known during his title reign for wearing his championship belt damn near everywhere. A night on the town at Burger King followed by bowling? He'd have the belt on. A trip to Tractor Supply Company for some cool new threads? He'd be wearing what Ric Flair used to refer to as the "ten pounds of gold".
The "Nature Boy" may have sunk so low of late as to be a Mike Huckabee supporter, but in his prime as NWA champion he was a "kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', limousine riding son of a gun". He'd never do something as declasse as tapping some hottie wearing the championship belt that men such as Lou Thesz, the original "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers, the Funk Brothers-Terry and Dory Jr., Jack Brisco and Harley Race wore before him. You'd never hear of Peyton Manning sodomizing some chick with the Vince Lombardi Trophy or MJ gettin' busy with some broad with the Larry O'Brian Trophy. Hockey players being the way they are I can't say for certain that the Stanley Cup hasn't been used in a sexual act though I'd imagine that that NHL players are mindful of the tradition that it entails. Besides, nothing anyone could do with the Stanley Cup could be cooler than Brett Hull drinking beer from it with Vinnie Paul and the late, great Dimebag Darrell from Pantera.
All of that makes this revelation that Tim Sylvia made it with some poor chick while wearing the UFC heavyweight belt around his hairy, Sasquatch-like body all the more disgusting:“I’ve had sex before with the belt on. That was back in the Ricco Rodriguez days. The night I won the belt I had a sexual experience with the belt on. But hey, I was 25 years old and it was the biggest thing that ever had happened to me in my life. The girl was like hey, are you going to take that thing off. And I said no, I’m not…I’m wearing it and if you have a problem with it, then I’m leaving. And I hate to say it, but if I do win the belt again, then this time it’s never coming off. I’m going to wear it a lot more.”
Here's the original post from "The Takedown" blog
I won't get into this too deeply here, but Tim Sylvia will be fighting Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira on Saturday for the "UFC Interim Heavyweight Title". The fact that Sylvia is once again fighting for a heavyweight title--interim or otherwise--illustrates what a mess the UFC heavyweight division is in at the moment. I'll be writing more about that on my website, where I cover MMA and boxing seriously.
Here's a surprise for you people...if I can work out the contractual arrangements with the management of this website (ie: if I can get them to pay me enough) I'll have a couple of bonus entries this week to make up for the weeks I missed while moving. We'll talk about UFC 81 which will feature the octagon debut of Brock Lesnar in addition to the aforementioned Sylvia/Nogueira matchup....
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
THE PROPHET'S TUESDAY TAPOUT: SANTA COMES DOWN THE CHIMNEY EDITION
by The Prophet, ProphetFighting
Welcome to another edition of The Prophet's Tuesday Tapout. Honestly, there's nothing going on in the fightsport world at the moment. Instead, I'll try to bring some Christmas cheer into your otherwise dreary lives. Besides, its good to have some time to reflect and relax since the new year promises to be a busy one. I've got a hunch that it won't just be business as usual but that the sh*t will really hit the fan in both MMA and boxing. It'll definitely be a busy year for me as I'll be the mack daddy at a new, high concept MMA site called The Savage Science. It'll be brought to you by the same folks that brought you the best boxing site on the Internet, The Sweet Science. Actually, it'll be brought to you by me, my big Samoan attorney and whatever other hangers on I deem necessary and they'll be paying for it. It'll make the current crop of MMA magazines and websites look like "My Weekly Reader". So don't be stupid and fall behind the curve--add The Savage Science as one of your MySpace friends. You can spare a spot between the semi nude underage girls so click this link... THE SAVAGE SCIENCE @ MYSPACE
The picture this week is from our Prophet Fighting/Savage Science combined Christmas party. This is Heather from our secretarial pool spreading her... uh... spreading some Christmas cheer by decorating our office tree. Anyway, unlike most lazy sports journalists I'm not going to phone in a column recapping what happened in 2007. This week at least. And I'm not going to give you a tired essay on what Christmas means to me--we went over that this past Thanksgiving. Just read that and substitute "Christmas" for "Thanksgiving". Instead, I'm just going to ramble on for a few more paragraphs and put this edition in the bag.
THE PROPHET--COMING SOON TO A CITY NEAR YOU?
Actually probably not--since I'm not looking to live in a trailer park, a refrigerator box under a freeway overpass or become incarcerated its doubtful that I'll end up anywhere near you. In fact, I'll be doing as much demographic research as possible to make sure that I don't. We will, however, be relocating our offices from here in Columbia, SC to a larger city more suitable to my status as the future of fightsport journalism(TM). And while this will obviously be a blow to the economy of the South Carolina midlands--I know that once we vacate the 7 floors we occupy in a large downtown office building that the bank will likely have to foreclose on them--its a boon to wherever we move our traveling roadshow. Keep in mind that when you're the future of fightsport journalism (TM) the relocation process isn't as easy as when you people do it, which probably looks more like the opening credits of "The Beverly Hillbillies" than anything else. And while you're told where you can and cannot live--eg: not within 2000 feet of a school, day care or community center--I've got cities from all over the world offering tax breaks, economic incentives, hookers, drugs and out and out bribes to relocate there.
We'll make an announcement very soon and will set a date to break ground on the Savage Science tower. If you want to have your city or community make a bid here's what you should do--find someone who can read and get them to look in the phonebook for your city's "Office of Economic Development". Some of the cities in the running have gone through their state or local film commission because, well, let's face it--I *am* that big of celebrity. Actors and movie stars or what have you are a dime a dozen but there's only one "future of fightsport journalism"(TM). Before you go to the trouble and spend any of your state taxpayer's dollars here are my requirements:
THE PROPHET'S RELOCATION REQUIREMENTS
1) It's got to be a decent sized city. Columbia is the smallest city I've ever lived in. It's got a population of 110,000 and a metro area of right around 700k. If your city isn't bigger than that you might as well not bother, unless you're representing a swanky beachfront or ski resort town.
2) It's got to have a lot of first rate restaurants, lounges and nightclubs because that's how I roll...
3) Preferably it should be a town where I don't have to drive everywhere. I'm not a hippie or an environmentalist but I hate having to drive around town running random errands. I don't have an issue with walking, cabs, public transportation or what have you but I don't want to be in a place like Los Angeles where I have to drive everywhere.
4) It's got to have a good assortment of hot chicks of all ages, types, ethnicities, etc. That's one of my gripes about Columbia--the chicks are either young college age types or if they're over the age of 30 they're bitter single moms or secretaries. Now I'm fortunate and thankful that I can still pull girls in their 20's but it would be nice to have some hot women closer to my age, be they MILF's, Cougars, or what have you.
5) I guess it might as well have at least a nominal relationship with the sport of MMA. This point is negotiable, especially in the case of beach or ski resort towns or for towns with a lot of hot broads.
6) The weather shouldn't be brutal. Now, I grew up in Utah and actually like snow but it has to be somewhere with mountains so you can ski and stuff. My real gripe weather-wise is hot, humid summers like we have here in South Carolina.
7) Flyover country towns need not apply--nothing personal against flyover country, but ask yourself this: how often does Jay-Z, Puffy, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Pivin or other "A-listers" roll in your town? If your answer is "not very damn often" I think my point is made abundantly clear. Even if your city/town isn't overrun with A-listers it should be a place where they wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen.
Those are the only real requirements I can think of for now. If your city wants to make a bid contact me here at the Epic Carnival and I'll get my people to call your people.
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS
We'll be back with some actual fight sport news, well, as soon as they do something newsworthy in either sport. New Year's Eve weekend is actually a HUGE one in the fightsport world with the UFC running a pay-per-view on 12/29 featuring a couple of big fights including Georges St. Pierre vs. Matt Hughes and the long awaited (*too* long awaited IMO) meeting between Wanderlei Silva and Chuck Liddell. Over in Japan, where big New Years Eve cards in both pro wrestling and MMA is something of a tradition, you've got K-1 holding a big event and more significantly, what is essentially a PRIDE show (without the PRIDE name) going on 12/31 as well. The 12/31 show is being put on by most of the former employees of PRIDE, featuring a number of well known PRIDE fighters--including Russian fighting god and consensus best MMA heavyweight in the world Fedor Emelianenko. They've even got Lene Hardt--aka the "crazy American woman announcer" involved. Neither event has US live coverage but I'm going to pull a few strings and see what I can work out....
Anyway, thanks as always for reading--don't forget to visit ProphetFighting as well as The Savage Science MySpace page. Have a great Christmas and we'll be back next week!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
THE PROPHET'S TUESDAY TAPOUT: TOOT TOOT TOOT EDITION
by The Prophet, ProphetFighting
Thanks to everyone who watched/read/had someone read to them my live round by round of Saturday's Floyd Mayweather Jr./Ricky Hatton fight and the miserable undercard that preceded it. You can say a lot of things about me, but you can't say that I'm not accommodating. I *know* that most of you are a) stealing cable from your neighbors b) incarcerated c) institutionalized or d)living in your parents' basement. In other words, I understand that its tough if not impossible for you to get these big PPV events. In fact, I'm going to see if I can write off my round by round services as a charitable contribution of some sort. Those people who risk infection and assault to ladle out soup to hobos get all the credit, but that's nothing compared to the intellectual challenge of providing an interesting boxing round by round. So don't think you've done something great just because you volunteer in a food bank or soup kitchen or whatever they're called--I spent my Saturday night sitting in my den with my two Jack Russell Terriers smoking a couple of Arturo Fuente Anejo Sharks (they retail for $12 a stick when you can get them, which you typically can't) and doing my round by round coverage. I even managed to make that pitiful undercard somewhat tolerable and if that's not a great humanitarian gesture I don't know what is.
And I'm not a guy to toot my own horn, but "toot, toot, toot". Let's harken back a few weeks to my Tuesday Tapout: Drunken Brits Edition and give a looksee to my analysis of the Hatton/Mayweather fight. For your reading pleasure I've highlighted the passages that are particularly prescient:THE PROPHET ON MAYWEATHER/HATTON:
Gee....that's pretty much how it went down now isn't it? I tried to maintain a veneer of objectivity as I was doing the round by round coverage but behind my keyboard I was cackling with glee as the fight transpired just as I had suggested it would. Of course only a fightsport journalist of my magnitude could keep up with the play by play while I was patting myself on the back for being so damn clever. So not only did you get to enjoy my coverage of the bout but you got to enjoy the work of the "pound for pound" best and one of the all time greats. I'm speaking of myself, of course, as I'm clearly "pound for pound" the best fight journalist in the world and have to now be considered among the all time greats. Mayweather was pretty impressive too.
So I'm sorry, drunken Brits....Mayweather is going to destroy Hatton. Hatton is a tough kid, and a likable guy. Were I picking a fighter to hang out with, to cruise chicks with or to down a few brews with Hatton would be the easy choice here. For a boxing match, however, I've got to go with Mayweather. As I noted above, Hatton's nickname is "Hook 'n' Hold" and that's a fairly apt description of his fighting style. He mauls guys for 12 rounds with this technique, and he's tough as nails so he can take it if necessary to dish out his offense.
The problem here is that he's fighting a guy who's seen everything that Hatton brings to the table, only better. I'm not sure that Hatton *can* 'hook n hold' Mayweather...he'll "hook" and Mayweather won't be there. While he's trying to "hold" he'll be counterpunched by the most insane handspeed he's ever faced. And that's something you really can't prepare for--you can bring in a slick boxer to train with but when you step in against Mayweather you'll be facing a fighter slicker and faster than you've ever seen in your life.
A few people have suggested that Mayweather is taking Hatton lightly and this will be his undoing. They point to his run on "Dancing With the Stars" as evidence of this. Not a bad theory on its surface, but it simply won't happen. Despite his many character and personality flaws, Mayweather always trains his ass off. His dismissive attitude toward Hatton is just to sell tickets and PPV buys--he's likely already watched every piece of Hatton video he can get his hands on. And you Hatton fans can dismiss any thought that Mayweather won't be in top shape physically. As I'm sure you all know, boxing rounds are 3 minutes long. Typically there are 12 of them in a championship fight. Most fighters spar 12 3 minute rounds to prepare for a fight. Not Mayweather--he's notorious for sparring sessions where he fights 12 rounds of 12 or 15 minutes each, with a new sparring partner rotating in every 3 minutes. No disrepect to Hatton, who by all accounts takes care of business in his training camp, but he's not going to win a conditioning battle against Mayweather.
So bring it on drunken Brit Hatton fans.....just because you've moved slightly up the food chain from soccer hooliganism doesn't give you the right to dis a serious fightsport journalist such as myself. Like it or not, Hatton isn't beating Mayweather and will be lucky to go the distance.
MAYWEATHER V. HATTON IN REVIEW:
If you missed the fight or my Harold Bloom-like analysis of it make sure to check it out when HBO runs the replay. Mayweather brawls with Hatton to the delight of the drunken Brits slurring their soccer style chants. The only thing is that while Hatton *did* do a nice job of dictating the tempo early in the fight and pressuring Mayweather, it only delayed the inevitable. After the first round (which I gave to Hatton), Mayweather adjusted to Hatton's aggression and gave the assembled fans (the ones that weren't busy urinating in the aisles of the MGM Grand Arena) a counterpunching clinic. The drunken Brits got excited whenever Hatton would tie Mayweather up and sneak in a rabbit punch but were failing to notice that their guy wasn't really hurting "Pretty Boy"...er..."Money". They also didn't notice that Mayweather was landing his counters with deadly accuracy, causing Hatton's face to swell up severely. Hatton started to tire visibly around the 7th round, and after that it was a clinical dissection by Mayweather resulting in the 10th round TKO.
After the fight Mayweather switched back to "good Floyd" mode and was effusive in his praise of Hatton when interviewed by Larry Merchant. Hatton, who's about as likable a guy as you'll find, also gave a great postfight interview. And since the fight is over, like Mayweather, I'll switch back into "good Jim" mode: Hatton is great for the sport. The Euros love him, he's a likable guy and he's tough as nails. His style does look somewhat like John Ruiz on amphetamines at times but he's still a fun fighter to watch. He made it clear that we haven't seen the last of him in the ring and I, for one, am glad to hear it.
One suggestion--get rid of that damn "Blue Moon" song you use for the ring entrance music. I know that its the Manchester City soccer theme song and all that, but it flat out sucks. Take it from the future of fightsport journalism(TM)--what you need to do is what you *started* to do with your ring entrance prior to the Jose Luis Castillo fight. For those of you who didn't see it, Hatton came out to the sound of air raid sirens with a voiceover of Winston Churchill from his speech before the House of Commons on 6/4/40. For those of you who either slept through and/or were drunk during your high school and college history classes let me provide some context--this speech was made as the Nazis were basically taking over the entire European continent. More specifically, it was a few weeks before the fall of France which left Great Britain the last bulwark against total Nazi control of Europe. Hitler and his minions thought that the Brits would react the same way the French had--basically bending over and grabbing their ankles. Guess again, Adolph--despite being bombed by the Luftwaffe almost nonstop for 9 months, beginning with the day and night bombing of London for 57 days by what was at the time the greatest fighting force in history the British didn't capitulate. Unlike the ankle grabbing French, the Brits responded instead with an extended middle finger--this despite the death of 43,000 civilians. In Churchill's speech before the House of Commons he warned the British of the perils they faced, but then set the tone for how they'd react:We shall not flag nor fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France and on the seas and oceans; we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air. We shall defend our island whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. We shall never surrender and even if, which I do not for the moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, will carry on the struggle until in God's good time the New World with all its power and might, sets forth to the liberation and rescue of the Old.
Now *that* is seriously badass. My only question is this--how could the assembled members of Parliament's lower house hear Sir Winston over the clanking sound emanating from his big balls of steel. Keep in mind that Churchill wasn't saying this in hopes of getting a sound bite on the evening news--he really meant it. He was, in essence, telling Hitler to bring it on--if he wants a fight he's got one. And every time a bombing run ended Churchill would break off a phone call to Alfred Dunhill to make sure his stash of cigars had survived the ordeal. With all due respect to the recently departed Evel Knievel, Winston Churchill gets my vote for the baddest mofo to ever walk the face of the earth.
Here's the full text of the Churchill speech I quoted above
And, while we're at it, Hatton's ring entrance prior to the Castillo fight through the magic of YouTube
Hatton needs to listen to me--if he'd lose that unctuous version of "Blue Moon" and make his ring entrance to the air raid sirens and Churchill voiceover he'd have one of the baddest ring entrances in the history of boxing. Unfortunately, for the Castillo entrance he played the badass Churchill sample and *then* played "Blue Moon". That's like playing Sinatra and following it up with Milli Vanilli. It's like playing John Coltrane's "A Love Supreme" and following it up with a Jessica Simpson song. Hatton should know better and for the good of his career he needs to listen to me.
DON'T MISS THE UFC ULTIMATE FIGHTER FINALE REPLAYS:
The UFC pissed me off by scheduling the "Ultimate Fighter" finale for the same night and time as the Mayweather fight. Making matters worse they *finally* give Clay Guida--who's one of my favorite fighters--the high profile fight he deserves. Fortunately, I TiVo'd the thing. Unfortunately Guida lost to Roger Huerta but he fought his *ass* off as usual. This would have been the fight of the night were it not for a matchup between Jon "War Machine" Koppenhaver and Jared Rollins which was absolutely insane. It ranks up there with the first Stephan Bonnar/Forrest Griffin fight--or in boxing terms it's a MMA version of Gatti/Ward or the first Castillo/Corrales fight. SPIKE will be replaying the show Friday night at 9 PM Eastern and Saturday at 4 PM so don't miss it.
THE SAVAGE SCIENCE IS COMING IN EARLY 2008:
Look for the debut of the state of the art in MMA journalism, commentary and more. The Savage Science is my latest project and will bring you an equal dose of MMA and general mayhem. Get the latest of The Savage Science by adding us as a MySpace friend:
The Savage Science on MySpace
Also, visit SavSci's more refined brother covering boxing with the best writing and commentary on the Internet:
The Best in Boxing at The Sweet Science
And you can always check out my site at ProphetFighting.com
Prophet Fighting
Thanks for reading the Tuesday Tapout and we'll see you next week...
0 comment(s):
Post a Comment