by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. Will I never learn HTML? (No.)
9. What if the public finds out that I'm actually doing another blogger or six? (Every sports blogger is doing another one. It's the biggest circle jerk this side of Bristol, CT.)
8. If I don't throw down in a blogger feud, does that make me soft and ruin my street cred? (Yes. But so does a lack of "You Got Served" level dance skills.)
7. Does refreshing my Sitemeter, Adify, YardBarker, Technorati and Ballhype pages 40 times a day make me a hack? (No. It makes you a corporate and attention whore.)
6. What if my boss finds out about my blog? (He or she will probably just steal your best ideas for their own. They'd fire you, but they're already looking for their next job, so they'd rather not bother.)
5. Is mining the same incident for jokes a sign of comic repetition that's necessary to maintain a distinctive style, or is it just that I'm completely out of new ideas? (Neither. It's a sign that you're writing to amuse yourself, and you're an idiot.)
4. Are the people who link to my stuff just using me? (Yes. And laughing about it, behind your back, in all of the best Sports Blogger Parties.)
3. What if that mean Anonymous poster is right -- about *everything*? (They are. Anonymous is the Greek Chorus in the single act tragedy that is our lives. Also, many sports bloggers were English majors.)
2. If free will exists, how come I always wind up writing things in list form? (Because no one comments or reads items that appear in long paragraphs. Take this one, for instance. Once we got past the third line of the sentence, the readership dropped down to the publisher looking for naughty words, the blogger feud guy looking for his name, and the writer. How's it going, fellas? Getting any?)
1. How the hell am I filling the bloghole tomorrow? (It does not matter. All existence is meaningless, death awaits us all, and all of your words will fade from human existence like so many leaves falling to the ground. And also, maybe OJ will do something.)
Thursday, September 20, 2007
TOP 10 SPORTS BLOGGER EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS (AND ANSWERS)
Friday, August 17, 2007
12 Steps to Becoming a Better Troll
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Are you filled with hate, but too scared to admit it? Do you long for the opportunity to give someone the finger on the Internets, but worry that it will show up on your Permanent Record? Are you ready to argue with people whose idea of fun is to craft 850 words of howling into the wind on a near-daily basis? Then have we got a program for you!
By following these simple steps, you too can make a difference in the lives of sports bloggers that crave your attention like naughty, naughty children -- and become famous over the entire World Wide Web as that Anonymous guy who posts comments in sports blogs. Let's begin!
Step 1 - Remain anonymous. Let's face it, sports bloggers (especially Carnies) are a notoriously vengeful and thin-skinned lot, and they can be crafty about getting you to reveal personal details. Don't fall for their taunts to step up and show your "real" name. Only by remaining completely anonymous, and not even using a false online pseudo can you *really* tell them what you think. Plus, it makes us wonder which of our fellow bloggers is doing the slagging -- could it be... someone famous, or someone (gasp) we know?
Step 2 - Overvalue your time. It's simple -- instead of being an office drain who is sneaking in some cyberslack, think of yourself as the royalty that you will one day become, when the world sees your stark genuis. So if the blogger fails to amuse you, off with his head!
Step 3 - Become the Homeless Homer. Nothing quite stirs up the blood like a braying jackass fan of the rival in the enemy camp. If your comments have been getting ignored, you might do better with a more partisan base.
Step 4 - Enjoy the stress. That tension you feel as you generate hate and take it back in spades, from faceless names on the computer screen, can take years off your life... but they are the years at the end, when your erections come out of a bottle, hair comes out of your ears and nose, and the hookers charge extra with cause. Burn that candle, baby!
Step 5 - Embrace your Inner Comic Book Guy. Become the insufferable expert of All Bloggy Goodness. Just think of it as an act of charity -- bestow the wisdom. (Yes, we know, we're not worthy, we're not worthy, yada yada yada...)
Step 6 - Become your own cheering section. Don't have the sheer sado-masochism to make your own blog and put up with your own Anonymous Trolls? That just shows you have too much Important Work to do. Like reading this, for instance.
Step 7 - Call in reinforcements. Why drain your own tank of hate, when you can ping your fellow shut-ins to join in the pissing match? Remember, if more of you are all pissing at once, that is in no way gay. Plus, hey presto, more piss!
Step 8 - Invent your own quasi-profanity / insults. Anyone can call someone a douche and mean it. But do you have the sheer testicular fortitude to invent your own compound insult and make it stick? Can you be the first to combine Urban Dictionary.com with an ESPN catch phrase, and then wrap it all together with a text message style misspelling?
(Let me try... you Donkey Boo-Yah Bytch! Damn, I was so close, but I just couldn't stick the landing. Sigh.)
Don't be afraid to scale the heights. This is where Anonymous Sports Blog Troll Legends are born.
Step 9 - Post early and often. If you're worried that your killer putdown doesn't quite have the stopping power you wanted, add to the effect by posting again and again, in quick succession and in a variety of different "voices." The best way is to use your rap slang to throw them off the trail, especially if you are white and don't listen to a lot of rap. That never fails!
That pesky blogger might be able to shake off one insult, but will they be able to get past one insult and a half dozen "Damn! You showed him up good!" and "Woo!", "LMAO!" and the like? Hardly.
Step 10 - Go BIG. If you haven't gone to ALL CAPS SCREAMING in the middle of your post for NO GOOD REASON at all, making your hate sound utterly RANDOM, you haven't lived. Get in touch with your INNER TOURETTE'S (or, if you are partial to the CHEESE DOODLES, your inner STEPHEN A. SMITH).
Step 11 - GO BIGGER, especially in responses. Why settle for a garden variety wrestling heel feud, when you can go all the way to Defcon 6 and get the local authorities monitoring your house? Remember, you are an Anonymous Sports Blog Troll. You are so NOT to be messed with.
Step 12 - Threadjack! When your feud shows signs of winding down, as all good pissing matches sadly must, don't be afraid to take your rant into an all-new, completely unexpected, place. This is a really good time to start talking about your medications, your love life, those mean kids at school, your job, or all of the other things that don't have anything to do with the original thread. The world needs to know!
Congratulations -- by completing this program, you are now ready to assume your position as an Anonymous Sports Blog Troll. Now go, and make us hate!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
How to Have a Blogger Fight: Sports Edition
by SportsGirl365, Strike Zones and End Zones
Let’s face it. Blogger fights are lame. But if you feel the need to engage another sports blogger in verbal combat, here are few Do's and Don't's.
DO make sure you’re prepared for the backlash. A site may look shitty, but you never know how deep a blogger rolls. Us sports bloggers are gangster.
DON’T hit and run. Making a statement about another blogger and then moderating your own comments is the equivalent of hitting a batter on purpose and then hiding behind the umpire. Don’t be that guy.
DO use tranny hooker references often. They’re funny.
DON’T make fun of a blogger’s spelling or typos. Nothing screams “I have no comeback” like calling someone out for spelling douchebag wrong.
DO make sure you’re picking on a big enough blogger if you’re trying to increase site traffic. Making fun of me will give you 30 site hits. Making fun of Will at Deadspin will give you 3,000.
DON’T make fun of Will at Deadspin. (Editor's note: The Emo haircut is gone, so it's not fun now anyway.)
DO make sure that you’re both on the same page. If Blogger A is making a joke of it and Blogger B is taking himself too seriously, then Blogger B just looks like a jackass.
DON’T take yourself too seriously. We’re sports bloggers for chrissakes. What the hell do WE know? Besides, we’re usually drunk and/or high. I’m a little drunk right now, actually.
DO recognize when people are making fun of you.
DON’T spend 30 minutes researching an educated response to a commenter who simply called you a douchebag. Especially if they spelled it right.
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