by E. Spencer Kyte, Bugs and Cranks
I hate the Red Sox. I hate the Celtics. I hate the Patriots. I hate the whole damn area!
As things stand right now, on this fourth day of 2008, the Boston Red Sox are the World Series Champions, the New England Patriots just went 16-0 and should win the Super Bowl and the Boston Celtics are the best team in the NBA, at least as far as records go. On the whole, that blows! No area should be afforded that much success ever, yet alone in the span of one sports year...
For comparison sake, Canada hasn't won anything since 1993 when the Toronto Blue Jays captured the World Series and the Montreal Canadians won the Stanley Cup. Since the Stanley Cup doesn't really count in the US anyway, even though it has resided there ever since, that means the Jays are all I have to hang my hat on and that's for an entire country, not just a region. We're talking about a geographical area in New England that isn't even the size of Newfoundland. This is just brutal!
Here are five reasons why this really sucks:
1. The Patriots Have Been Awesome For A Decade
Remember when the Patriots upset "The Greatest Show on Turf" Rams for their first Super Bowl and were the darlings of the football world? That was nice. Now, now that they are the step on your throat, kick you while you're down, beat you, pick you up and beat you some more Patriots who just went 16-0, I hate them. Special thanks goes out to the other teams in the NFL who insist on trading insanely talented players to the Patriots for 35 cents on the dollar. Thank you Miami (Wes Welker) and Oakland (Randy Moss). And, just to add insult to injury, Tom Brady is bangin' Giselle. Go to Hell Tom Brady, You Greedy Bastard!
2. The Red Sox Aren't Idiots Anymore
Much like their football brethren, the original incarnation of the championship Sox was lovable. They were the underdog before Jason Lee, with a band of characters like Pedro, Cowboy Kevin Millar and ManRam, plus they did something that had never been done before in coming back from 3-0 down to win a series. They even gained extra points for doing it against the goddamn Yankees too! Now, no more idiots, except for Paps. Manny being Manny isn't entertaining anymore, Josh Beckett is too damn good and Theo Epstein is a freakin' genius even if he signed JD Drew to a long-term deal.
3. The Celtics Are Making Danny Ainge & Doc Rivers Look Great
Let me remind you that prior to this season, both of these men should have rightfully been fired. They had accomplished the square root of fuckall and had turned the once proud Celtics into a total laughing stock. They pretty much tanked on purpose last year to try and land Oden or Durant and then even failed to do that. But then Kevin McHale bailed out his old team by shipping KG to town and The Big Ticket has transformed the laughable Celts into legit contenders, despite what Wilbon and Kornheiser might say on PTI. As such, Ainge and Doc look great right now as the GM and Coach of the team with the best record in the NBA, when we all know that they have nothing to do with the success of the Celtics.
4. It's Going to be Like This For A While
The Patriots will remain dominant so long as Tom Brady keeps taking less money to remain in New England and Hobo Bill patrols the sidelines. The Sox are The New Evil Empire, like it or not Bostonians, and will stop at nothing to remain neck and neck with the only team they care about competing with and since the Celtics have Allen locked up until 2010, Pierce through 2011 and KG through 2012, chances are that they have a nice little five year run ready to go starting this season.
5. Eventually, the Bruins Might Catch On
And if that happens, it's a sure sign of The Apocalypse.
As such, here are my hopes for 2008 in regards to the sports franchises residing in the New England area:
The Patriots run into Jacksonville, who beats them up physically. They might not beat them on the scoreboard, but spending an entire game having that line and those backs pounding on you is hard. That way, when Indy comes to town a week later, Peyton, Reggie Wayne and the fresh and ready to go Marvin Harrison can pull an upset, with ex-Pat Adam Vinatieri kicking the winning field goal.
The Red Sox trade for Johan Santana, giving up Jon Lester, Jacoby Ellsbury and a couple others and ink him to a long-term deal. Santana promptly goes out and tears a ligament in his pitcher arm, misses almost two years and the guys they traded away develop into the All-Stars everyone is pretty sure they will be. Sadly, even without Santana and the guys they traded, Boston still makes the playoffs.
Detroit walks into Boston and beats the Celtics on a pair of late free throws by Chauncey Billups, who got to the line by pump faking Tony Allen into the air just like Doc Rivers told him he would. Wait? That already happened? Alright. Forget about the Celtics then...
Friday, January 4, 2008
FROM THE GREAT WHITE NORTH: I HATE BOSTON!
Friday, August 10, 2007
Boston Keen for Cousy Come-back
by Don, With Malice...
Boston Celtics GM, Danny Ainge has declared that he's interested in a return to activity from the Houdini of the Hardwood, Bob Cousy.
"I feel he's still got something to offer," stated Ainge at a press conference at the TD Banknorth Garden. "We are in the market for a point man, and well... I feel Bob Cousy could be it."
When questioned about Cousy's advanced age (Cousy turned 79 yesterday - Aug 9th), Ainge responded vehemently.
"You didn't see anyone questioning Michael Jordan when he made his comebacks. Skills like Cousy had, they just don't disappear overnight!"
"We have needs, and one of those needs is a point guard. We're already well into luxury tax territory, and I think we could get The Cooze to play for us at a relatively reasonable rate."
Ainge wouldn't come right out and state that Cousy could start at point, but he certainly hinted towards that.
"Rondo's a great player, but he's still young. I feel that he could only benefit playing alongside someone with as much talent as Bob Cousy."
Boston certainly have to fill out a roster decimated by the recent Kevin Garnett trade, and a veteran presence like Cousy - one of the greatest to ever play the game - might be just what the Doc ordered.
[By the way - Happy Birthday Bob Cousy... without a doubt one of the all-time greats.]
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Scalabrine Has a New Bf
by Simon, SimonOnSports
Figured I'd give myself a brief introduction this being my first post at EC. Typically at my site I mix a blend of humor, analysis, predictions, sarcasm, hate and of course the lazy blogger video post. Since most of that stuff is already being covered by other contributors I'm going to bring pretty much straight hate.
Last week must have been hard for one Brian Scalabrine. See three years ago Scalabrine signed a three year 15 million dollar contract to become the token redhead on the Celtics, in addition to being one of the most overpaid useless players in the NBA. Back in 2005 though there was relief for Scalabrine, see no matter how badly he sucked, the fact that the Celtics were irrelevant in Boston and were on verge of a poor season took complete notice off of the redheaded goof. In addition Scalabrine was teamed with two other terrible white players in Raef Lafrentz and Dan Dickau so it couldn't even be brought up that he was the lone white loser on the team.
Now zip forward to 2006 and the Celtics are even worse and while for Scalabrine's sake the Celtics sadly traded away Raef's suckitude at least Wally World was there to be injured the entire season. Yet again the Celtics ineptitude and an additional white scape goat kept the spotlight off of the 6-9 235 pound red-headed sloth despite the fact that he was on the court 19 minutes a game.
Then at the start of the summer everything started to go downhill for Wally. With the draft day trade for Ray Allen, Scals found himself as the loan white player on the roster. He couldn't even claim mystery raced Delonte West as a teammate anymore. He would be the loan white loser on mediocre and slightly relevant roster. Ouch.
And last week was the beginning of a nightmare for Scals. The Celtics were the talk of the town. With KG, Ray Ray and Pierce they could win the east. Now everyone was going to watch Celtics games, now everyone would know just how badly Brian Scalabrine sucked. At this point he had to do something, he had to somehow make his terrible play slip under the radar yet again. It was time to get Danny to toke the same magic sauce that landed him a 15 million dollar contract. Who could he possibly turn to, who could be a more horrendous and useless white player on their roster. Scals knew the answer and smoked up Danny this weekend, and today Scott Pollard is your newest and worst white member of the Boston Celtics in addition to being Boston's newest Pro Drug sponsor.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Pissing on Green Corn Flakes: Why Kevin Garnett Will Not Make the Celtics Matter
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Celtics Nation, with ESPN's #1 Pom-Pom Waver Bill Simmons in the lead, is pinching themselves over the gift that Kevin McHale is giving them. Kevin Garnett, a top 5 player and a big man who should eat the Eastern Conference alive, is coming for a collection of players that won't do anything to help the 'Wolves escape the Western Conference cellar.
So why am I, a lifelong hater of the Green, not all that worried?
First, because my Sixers aren't gong to win no matter what Boston does. But more importantly, because it's not going to work. And by not working, I mean Failure Writ Large in the Western Sky, Danny Ainge run out of town on a rail, and Garnett looking as homicidal as he was when he had to put up with the likes of Marko Jaric and Ricky Davis.
But how? It's the East. LeBron just made it to the Finals with a supporting cast that was weaker than community theater. How can three All-Stars not make the C's a top 4 team?
Let me count the ways.
1) The rest of the team.
Unless you continue to light a candle in the window for Rajon Rondo, there isn't a player on the roster who has anything close to a plus offensive game. Who's hitting the spot-up jumper? Who's keeping the other team honest to the point that the Big 3 aren't all playing 40 minutes a game? Your candidates include... um... well, I could tell you the names, but unless you're a Celtics fan, you don't know who they are, and if you are a Celtics fan, you're still gibbering like an idiot that you're getting KG. So. Moving on.
2) They won't stay healthy.
29,602. 35,542. 24,620. Those three numbers are the career minutes played for Allen, Garnett and Pierce. Are you ready to bet that they're all going to stay healthy, especially when they all have to log heavy minutes? Me neither.
3) The coach eats paste.
Doc Rivers couldn't figure out a playing rotation when he had a semblance of an NBA roster. You think he's going to be any better with the NBDL Traveling Team outnumbering actual basketball players?
4) The expectations will be ridiculous.
There's a reason the rest of the country calls their fans Massholes; they're silver-spoon types that are also convinced that Randy Moss equals Super Bowl, and that everyone roots for the Sawx because they're just so gosh-darn lovable. When they start the year 12-8, the focus will be on why they're only four games over .500. When Allen goes down, the focus will be how they have no backups. It's not going to be pretty.
5) The division will be better.
This is along the lines of it can't get worse, but the Titanic Division will be surprising next year. Toronto is setting up Phoenix North with a motion offense that's going to test a thin and aging Celts team. The Nets get back Nenad Krstic -- huge for them -- and added just what they needed in the draft with a shot-blocking center. The Knicks are a train wreck, but with talent; they could match up very well with a team that starts bench players at 1 and 5. Even the Sixers will be better, with Andre Iguodala continuing to emerge and a full year of Andre Miller at the point.
6) It's just not easy to go from 24 wins to 55. Even when you throw games.
In NBA history, this trick only gets done when a team hits the lottery and adds a breakout talent, like when the Spurs added David Robinson. KG's amazing... but is he *that* much better than Jefferson and the reasonable Ryan Gomes, especially when he's paired up with Kendrick Perkins, or people who are somehow worse than Kendrick Perkins?
7) The conference will be better.
Yes, it can't get worse, but hear me out. Detroit and Cleveland aren't going to fall apart. With no Oden and Durant to tempt teams into fraud, the bottom teams in the conference aren't going to mail it in again. Miami will have Angry Thinner Shaq, a presumed healthy D-Wade, and the bad taste of a first round exit. Chicago is a match-up nightmare, with energy players all over the place.
The Wiz get back Arenas. The Magic added Rashard Lewis, and even though the contract was terrible, he's going to make them better on the court in the short run. Charlotte brought in Jason Richardson; he could take it up a notch in the East. Atlanta finally has a point guard. There won't be quite as many easy wins.
The Celtics could be much better and hold at 48 wins.
8) If these guys are so good...
Why have all of their teams missed the playoffs so often? Yes, I know, I know, terrible supporting casts and it's hard in the West and yada yada yada. Winners get to the playoffs. Stat guys get their stats. I'm just saying.
9) All-Star Teams Never Work.
Who shuts down penetration? Who takes charges? Who sets the screens that make Allen and Pierce have fresh legs in the second half of the season? Who's the energy big man defender to be the Oberto to KG's Duncan? Where's the out of nowhere guy who can stretch the opposing defense and score double digits off the bench?
All open questions. And if you had a coach or a GM that could find their ass with both hands and a map, it probably wouldn't be a worry.
Worry.
10) This franchise is cursed.
Len Bias. Reggie Lewis. The last draft. Rick Pitino. I'd go on, but there is a difference between being cursed and being stupid.
The Celtics have been grabbing at straws for 15 years. KG is the biggest straw of them all.
But you don't get to make one good trade and become a great team. Sorry. Life is harder than that.
2007-2008 will be the best year for this crew. They'll win 48 games and lose in the second round. And the next two years... get worse. A lot worse. Especially when -- not if, when -- one or more of these guys gets hurt, and they turn on each other.
Now, Celtics Fan... how d'ya like them apples?
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