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Showing posts with label david beckham. Show all posts
Showing posts with label david beckham. Show all posts
Friday, June 6, 2008
Friday, December 21, 2007
THE DAYS THAT SHAPED 2007 - THE DAY WE BECAME MARGINALLY LESS INDIFFERENT ABOUT SOCCER...TEMPORARILY
by WCT, The Ship of Fools
Over the next 10 days or so, you will be inundated with cheesy, clichéd drivel from all corners of the sports media, disguised as the "2007 year in review." Well, I'm out of post ideas for the year, so I'm going to join the fray. For the next couple weeks I will bring you one blogger's opinion of The Days that Shaped 2007! The events that were so ludicrous, so stupid, and so utterly inexplicable they made me thank God I had a sports blog as an outlet to make fun of them.
Today's installment: The day soccer went from having no impact on the American sports landscape, to having *virtually* no impact on the American sports landscape.
January 11th - A red letter day in soccer history. This was the day that David Beckham announced that he would be leaving his top-flight Real Madrid team and legions of European fans to come across the pond to join the talent-starved MLS to play for the awful LA Galaxies in the soccer-apathetic United States.
That's right, a team fighting to stay out of the basement (in a league no one follows), led by "the guy with the hair" from the World Cup team from a decade ago, paid a quarter-billion or so dollars for a past-his-prime, oft-injured, free-kick specialist with a wife who is significantly more famous than he is. This was what we call a blogger's dream.
No, Beckham didn't start many games. No, he didn't score many goals, or really have much of a discernible effect on his team's record at all-- they finished in next-to-last place -- but his arrival got people talking about soccer! It was only about a week, and most of the talk centered around his waifish-bordering-on-skeletal wife, his phantom injuries, and the fact that he didn't live up to his contract, but dammit, they were talkin' soccer!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
AND THE 2007 CARNY AWARDS GO TO...
by DCScrap, Editor
THE 2007 CARNY AWARD RESULTS
Redonkulous Sports Image of the Year Award
Tim Tebow Loves Jugs 39.4%
Oscar de la Hoya in Drag 33.3%
Green Bay Package 15.2%
Brady Quinn is Poison-ing the Interwebs 9.1%
Shaun's Knee is Gone 3.0%
Most Overpaid Athlete Award
David Beckham 51.2%
Michelle Wie 32.6%
Stephon Marbury 14.0%
Fernando Alonso 2.3%
Oscar de la Hoya 0.0%
Sports Blogosphere Whipping Boy Award
Barry Bonds 40.7%
Brady Quinn 22.2%
Michael Vick 11.1%
Mark Mangino 11.1%
Tom Brady 7.4%
Derek Jeter 3.7%
Kige Ramsey 3.7%
Pacman Jones 0.0%
Most Overhyped Sports Story Award
Anything Brett Favre 34.1%
The A-Rod Saga 31.8%
Spygate 18.2%
Notre Shame 11.4%
NFL Bad Boys 4.5%
The Donaghy Scandal 0.0%
The Joe Theismann Futility in Broadcast Journalism Award
Shannon Sharpe 26.1%
Tim McCarver 21.7%
Tony Kornheiser 19.6%
Paul Maguire 13.0%
Solomon Wilcots 8.7%
Pam Ward 6.5%
Mike Patrick 4.3%
The Bobby Knight Insane Rant Award
Suzyn Waldman 34.6%
Mike Gundy 34.6%
Darko Milicic 23.1%
Chuck Liddell 3.8%
Charley 3.8%
Most Aggravating Sportsblog Trend Award
Sportsbloggers hating on other sportsblogs/sportsbloggers 42.1%
Commenters who only comment to talk shit on blogs/about bloggers 26.3%
Bloggers not linking substantial pieces of writing by other bloggers 21.1%
BallHyping/YardBarking the bejesus out of MSM stories 5.3%
Linking at the very bottom of a post after stealing the beef of someone else's post 5.3%
Fantasy Football Piece of Shit Award
Frank Gore 25.6%
Shaun Alexander 23.3%
Cedric Benson 16.3%
Donovan McNabb 14.0%
Marvin Harrison 11.6%
Laurence Maroney 9.3%
The '76 Buccaneers Disgrace to Team Sports Award
Miami Dolphins 46.8%
Notre Dame 44.7%
Chicago White Sox 4.3%
Tampa Bay Rays 4.3%
Memphis Grizzlies 0.0%
Female Sports Celeb You'd Drain Your Bank Account to Sleep With Award
Jessica Alba 54.4%
Ingrid Vandebosch 26.3%
Amanda Beard 7.0%
Bridget Moynahan 5.3%
Beyonce Knowles 5.3%
Gisele Bundchen 1.8%
Male Sports Celeb You'd Drain Your Bank Account to Sleep With Award
Leonardo DiCaprio 40.0%
Tom Brady 20.0%
David Beckham 20.0%
Matt Damon 20.0%
Derek Jeter 0.0%
Tony Parker 0.0%
Worst Sports-Related Actor Award (aka The Shaqtor)
Shaquille O'Neal 50.0% (for lifetime achievement)
Katie Holmes 28.6% (for lifetime achievement)
Steve Austin 14.3%
The Rock 7.1%
Antonio Tarver 0.0%
Chuck Liddell 0.0%
Worst of the World Wide Leader Award
Skip Bayless 21.4%
Steven A. Smith 21.4%
Emmitt Smith 21.4%
Chris Berman 14.3%
Colin Cowherd 14.3%
Jemele Hill 7.1%
Mike Ditka 0.0%
Best Criminal Ex- or Non-Athlete Award
O.J. Simpson 42.9%
Tim Donaghy 21.4%
Joe Cullen 17.9%
Isiah Thomas 14.3%
Eric Schnupp 3.6%
Most Ridiculously Foreign Sports Figure Award
Darko Milicic 34.3%
Ozzie Guillen 34.3%
Daisuke Matsuzaka 11.4%
Ichiro Suzuki 11.4%
Anderson Silva 8.6%
Best Criminal Athlete Award
Pacman Jones 35.1%
Michael Vick 29.7%
Tank Johnson 18.9%
Chris Henry 10.8%
Rafer Alston 5.4%
Celebrity Sports Fan You'd Like to Bitchslap Award
Dane Cook 37.8%
Bill Simmons 29.7%
Spike Lee 18.9%
Ben Affleck 6.8%
Ashley Judd 4.1%
Alyssa Milano 2.7%
Sports Figure You'd Like to Bitchslap Award
Barry Bonds 31.3%
Bill Belichick 25.4%
Curt Schilling 11.9%
Kobe Bryant 11.9%
Terrell Owens 10.4%
Alex Rodriguez 9.0%
Deadbeat Daddy Award
Travis Henry 50.0%
Elijah Dukes 35.7%
Evander Holyfield 4.8%
Charles Rogers 4.8%
Ray Lewis 4.8%
Fugliest Person in Sports Award
Sam Cassell 43.2%
Randy Johnson 22.7%
Linda Cohn 15.9%
Chris Kaman 9.1%
Peyton Manning 4.5%
Larry Bird 4.5%
A special thank you from EpicCarnival.com to Adam Best who was the creator of The Carny Awards, but has moved on to focus on other ventures.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
THE NICKELODEON: BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH DAVID BECKHAM
I can write nothing better than what the person who posted (and I assume made) this video, so why try? Spelling and grammar be damned...
david beckham in 13 different hair styles and he looks good in all of thim i think so watch it and tell me which one is your favourite . and if anyone have some informations about beckhams new team los angeles bleeez tell me cause i realy loved him in real madred .
What else is there to say? ... to the jump!
(Credit The Offside with the find.)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
TOP 50 SPORTS INJURIES ACCORDING TO THE LONDON TIMES
by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap
Here in America what we would consider the Top 50 sporting injuries probably looks a little different than to those across the pond in London. I mean, who here wouldn't have Theesman's chicken leg getting snapped as #1? Not to mention any of these three. But do the Brits see it the same way? Well, some enterprising young lad at the London Times has taken it upon himself to rank sports injuries. Why do I think his rankings and mine are going to be a tad different? Especially considering that at a quick glance I have literally not heard of half of the people he lists.
Without further ado, let's see what the Brits find gruesome and entertaining...
For some reason he links to this injury, but left it off the list. Too gross or what?
#50 is some dumbass who shaved his head and got sunstroke. You're gonna have to bring it harder than that, England.
Okay, now we're talkin'. At #48 is Dave Dravecky returning from cancer only for the bone in his arm "to snap in his next start against Montreal with a sound that could be heard around the entire stadium." Yeah, that was a goodun'.
Uhhh, in #46 they refer to Coco Crisp as a second baseman. Maybe the Times should stick to politics.
#42 Hasim Rahman's second head. Never fails to make me laugh.
#41 Any kickboxing injury involving the snapping of tibias. Like this one or this one.
#38 Barbaro. How is this not #1?! Blasphemer! Somewhere Dee Mirich weeps.
#36 Vince Coleman getting trampled by the tarp. Stupid? Yes. Gruesome? No. Top 50? Eh.
#35 JoePa.
#17 Sid Vicious - the wrestler not the singer. SNAA-AP!
#14 Gus Frerotte? Slamming your head against a wall is not worthy of this ranking.
#11 Salim Sdiri getting spiked with a javelin.
#5 Allen Ray getting his eyeball dislodged is an always excellent choice. Ranks right up there with Chasity Melvin getting her eyeball knocked loose in an WNBA game, only, you know, in a sport people watch.
Thessman is number THREE?! Three?!
#2 Clint Malarchuk ... yeah, that was pretty nasty.
AND #1, of course, is somehow, David Beckham...Many of the closest relationships end in spectacular bust-ups and Beckham’s falling out with Sir Alex Ferguson was splashed across the front pages of all the tabloids. Ferguson was fuming after his Manchester United side lost 2-0 to arch rivals Arsenal in the fifth round of the FA Cup in February 2003 and lashed out with his foot at a stray boot in the changing room. Of course, he had no intention of hurting poor Goldenballs (who would want to contend with a furious Victoria down the training ground the next morning?) but, with the unerring accuracy of a Beckham free-kick, the rogue piece of footwear avoided the wall and curled towards the head of United’s star player, opening up a nasty cut that bled profusely. Beckham was furious and later needed two butterfly stitches to stem the flow of blood.
Uh ... what?!
This is a better injury than that and I don't even know who the guy is!
And this is better.
Even this if you have to go the soccer route.
And they even left off, to me, the greatest sports injury of all-time. Alex Zanardi getting both of his legs lopped off in a CART race. Oh, wait, they say why they left it out. It "is not included in the list because it would be in appalling taste." Then they linked the video of it. Yeah, that makes sense.
So who and what else did they/we leave off the list?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
SO JUST EXACTLY HOW HURT IS DAVID BECKHAM?
by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap
So far the MLS and LA Galaxy's *cough* $250 million plan of bringing David Beckham over to the States to give soccer a higher profile in the sporting world has produced this:
David Beckham 3 GP, 2 GS, 198 MIN, 0 G, 2 A
According to LA Galaxy President Alexi Lalas,
“Just because David says he is healthy, that does not mean he is healthy,” Lalas has said. “When are confident he is 100 per cent, physically and mentally, at that time we will see him on the field and not before.”
Oh, really? Yes, we all know Becks has been unable to play because of that horrible ankle injury that keeps him from being able to run with the quick bursts required of a finely-tuned soccer player ...
... unless the paps are after him, that is.
Source: Just Jared
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Ryan Seacrest Has a Thing for Beckham's Bride
by Sterling Gould, More Credible
Well here's a shocker for ya... Ryan Seacreast likes women? Who would've known? I just thought his "duck curl" hair cut was his way of stepping out of the closet on TV, or maybe he's jumped onto a quick fling for the opposite sex:
Soccer superstar David Beckham confronted a potential love rival on air last week when he challenged Los Angeles DJ Ryan Seacrest over a letter he penned to his wife Victoria. The sports hunk appeared on Seacrest's breakfast radio show on Friday and told the DJ he knew all about his plans to steal the Spice Girls star away for a weekend. Seacrest, who also hosts TV talent show American Idol, confessed, "I have a crush on your wife," prompting Beckham to remark, "I heard that. You offered to take her away for a few days... That's nice."A real challenge right here folks. Victoria has a chance to hook up with a guy who's job is to tell every moron in America what digits to dial to vote on their favorite for an overhyped talent show or keep doin' what she's doin' with the world's biggest sports celebrity superstar (yes, I just said that). What's a (spice) girl supposed to do?
But I applaud Seacrest on the effort. It's a classy move to write a pretty lady a letter. It reminds me of my middle school days when I would write a letter to a girl I was crushing on and had "YES", "NO", or "WITH A CONDOM-MAYBE" boxes at the bottom. Most of the time that last box wasn't checked though. Which came as a surprise, I had my f*cking cootie shot.
Anyways, Seacrest's argument is that he wanted to "keep Victoria occupied while Beckham recoups from injury". Well Hell, if Vicky needs that, tell me where to sign up? And then I'll show her what she wants, what she really, really wants, Zig a Zig ah *breaks into choreographed booty dance*.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Why Cheer When You Can Jeer?
by Josh, The Beautiful Game
Take heed ESPN: there can be too much of a good thing.
Your coverage of David Beckham is a classic example. Judging by what coverage the Englishman gets for 20 minutes of average play, just imagine what will happen when he finally bends one in.
A scary thought, I know.
This guy agrees, as well as many others I'm sure.
Thanks to Sports By Brooks for the photo.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Five Male Athletes I'd Have Sex With
by Lozo, Why Don't We Get Drunk And Blog?I know. This post is going to be weird. But here's the thing. In order to get something, sometimes you have to give something. And in this case, the thing I have to give is "it" to a dude. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Here's the thing. I was out with this girl. She likes sports. I don't know how we got into it (probably because I'm a pervert) but I asked her to name five female athletes she'd have sex with. You know, because the only thing hotter to me than me and a girl is a girl and a girl. And I think I was going on about how most female athletes are about as attractive as genital warts.
Her answers in no particular order were Sue Bird, Jennie Finch, Maria Sharapova, Amanda Beard (she called her the girl who was on Letterman that time and posed in Playboy) and Serena Williams.
Outside of the last one, I thought they were all solid choices. But then I had the tables turned on me.
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Who would you have sex with?"
"Everyone but Serena."
"No, what five guys would you have sex with?"
Uggh. What have I got myself into.
I abstained. But she made me promise to give her five guys or else she wasn't going to give me, well, you know.
So after some serious thought and a Crying Game shower, I came up with five male athletes I would (hypothetically) bang.
5. Amelie Mauresmo 
What? Hey, if Serena Williams counts as a girl, then Amelie Mauresmo counts as a guy. Besides, I need to ease my way into this list, and I figure Amelie is a good way to start. She has all the qualities of a male athlete -- huge muscles, strong jawline -- but she has the one thing I look for in a sexual partner. Ladyparts. At least, I think she has ladyparts. Whether they are natural or man-made is the question.
4. David Beckham
He's barely a dude. First off, he plays soccer, which is a girl's game to begin with. Second off, he's got a lot of feminine qualities about him. I figure if I have to go gay for the first time, and it has to be with an actual man and not Amelie Mauresmo, Beckham is a good way to start. Heck, he could have ladyparts. God I feel dirty right now.
3. William "The Refrigerator" Perry
I'm counting retired athletes. And I figure The Fridge has a lot going for him in terms of a sexual partner. For one, he's missing a lot of teeth, so he's probably extremely adept at oral. But then again, this list is about the sex, not the oral. Also, he's got some big tits. But I figure he's so big and fat that I could actually penetrate a fold of flesh that's not the butt, and that wouldn't make me gay. Right? Anyone? Hello?
2. Phil Mickelson
I don't know about you, but I enjoy me a nice pair of big, floppy breasts. Enter Phil. If there's one thing he's got, it's big, floppy breasts. At this point, I'm just looking for any feminine quality I can in these male athletes and focusing on that. You know, because man boobs, yeah, that makes it not gay at all.
1. Alex RodriguezA shocker. No, not that kind of shocker. I mean a stunner. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate A-Rod. But think about it. If you're going to have sex with a dude, you might as well make it a dude who knows what he's doing, right? And while I have no proof, just obvious statements like he used to sleep over his place five nights a week, I'm pretty sure Alex was the bottom for Derek Jeter for quite some time. And if it's good enough for the Yankees' captain, my god, it's good enough for me.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch Jenna Jameson make out with some girls. Any girls.
Friday, July 20, 2007
The David Beckham Live-Blog
by Lozo, Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog?
I know what you're thinking. "Dave, it's Friday. David Beckham's debut is tomorrow. How can you possibly live-blog something that hasn't happened yet?"
Because I'm awesome, that's why.
Let's face it -- it's soccer. It's 90 minutes of absolute nothingness. So instead of scrambling to come up with insightful, witty responses to the action on the day of the game, let's cut to the chase and get it done now.
7:30 -- Welcome to a stadium where the Los Angeles Galaxy play soccer. I'm not sure of the name. But it's standing room only as 20,000 people have poured in to see the debut of David Beckham.
7:31 -- We have our first reference of Victoria Beckham, who can be seen, well, wait, she's turned sideways. Wait, wait, there she is! A prettier space alien this planet's never seen!
7:35 -- And we are under way!
7:36 -- Beckham runs around.
7:37 -- Beckham runs around.
7:38 -- The ball is headed toward.....no, forget it. Beckham runs around.
7:39 -- Beckham runs around. I'm going out to get a sandwich.
7:55 -- Hey, I'm back. It's 0-0. The announcers just mentioned that Beckham had a world-class strike on the ball while I was out. I don't know what that means. It didn't lead to a goal, so maybe they were referencing the world in which Victoria came from where soccer doesn't exist.
7:57 -- Our first "Beckham and Posh are friends with TomKat" mention. I wonder how long before Becks and Posh fall under Scientology's spell.
7:58 -- Posh is seen sitting in a luxury box with tin foil on her head. I guess she's already converted.
8:00 -- Boy, soccer is boring. Every time Beckham touches the ball, the crowd goes insane, despite the fact he's 50 yards from goal. I can't imagine what's going to happen if he actually scores.
8:03 -- Goal! Only it was scored by Chelsea. 1-0.
8:07 -- I don't even know what I'm watching anymore. Let's see what else is on. Oooo, Serendipity. Love that movie.
8:21 -- Having just watched the scene where John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale ride up the elevators, I realized I've missed nearly 15 minutes of "action" in the game. Or match. Whatever. It's halftime, and it's 2-0 Chelsea. ESPN shows this graphic:
DAVID BECKHAM
Shots: 2
Touches: 15
Wife: Not human
Handsomeness: Unquestionable
Interesting: Not at all
8:45 -- 9:30: It's just 45 minutes of Beckham running around, not actually scoring or setting up a goal, and just non-stop blather about his affect on American soccer, Hollywood name-dropping, shots of Posh in the luxury box not eating, and fans wearing "I HEART BECKHAM" shirts, most of them women. Chelsea wins 3-0, and we can now go back to not caring about soccer in this country.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Just Because I'm Gay for David Beckham Doesn't Mean I Like Soccer
by BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity
We at the Blog of Hilarity are comfortable with our sexuality. So I'm okay with saying that. I like David Beckham. Something about him. I don't like soccer. I'm not ready to like it yet, much like I wasn't ready to like John Amaechi's book, the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, and Who's Now. ESPN's assuring me that I will, but I'm just not sure yet.
I mean, I guess David Beckham's hot. You can judge for yourself in the picture on the right. I'm a heterosexual male, I have no doubts. But I do wonder about his mysterious eyes. I often fantasize about what it means to be Posh Spice. This is not to say that I didn't fantasize about being Posh Spice before she hooked up with Becks (an adorable nickname I have for David Beckham that I made up entirely on my own), but definitely more so now. Especially after that W Magazine photo shoot.
Now don't get me wrong, I may find David Beckham entrancing enough to question my sexuality. I may want to be his wife. But that doesn't change the fact that soccer is, fundamentally, teams full of lithe men running around after a ball and falling down a lot in the hopes that one of the men in striped shirts (that they call "referees" in soccer...absurd) will throw them a prettily colored card for their efforts. And then, if I'm lucky, I'll be fortunate enough to see their little ball go through that adorable "goal" device, perhaps hear a Mexican announcer yell "GOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLL" thusly. Awesome. Totally worth my investment of time. And what's with not using hands? If you could use hands, then we'd be on to something. Kind of like Football, the sport that soccer totally aped and stole the idea from.
Is this supposed to make me forget about the thrill-a-minute action of baseball? Is this supposed to make me think twice before buying products endorsed by the San Antonio Spurs' Human Ball of Charisma, Tim Duncan? Or is it just supposed to make me think uncomfortable thoughts while masturbating? Because if it's the third goal, congratulations Adidas, MLS, and ESPN.
So listen David Beckham, please don't take my thoughts personally. I still think you're a total hunk with the rugged good looks of Brad Pitt and soft femininity of Jared Leto. But I don't want to watch you on the athletic field. Not yet, anyways.
XOXO,
BOHChris
PS I hope you enjoy LA, Becks. But stay away from that Kobe gentleman. He gets a bit "rapey"
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