by SportsGirl365, Strike Zones and End Zones
In a world of eHarmony, Match.com, and JDate, internet hook-ups are becoming a socially accepted norm. There is, however, a much overlooked forum for match-making that has thrived underground – the Deadspin comments section. I offer you a few tips for successfully hooking up with a Deadspin commenter.
DO use the last post of the day as a chat room after midnight.
DON'T use the term "Deadspinning" as a euphemism for commenter sex.
DO attend a Pants Party. Apparently cheap seats and overpriced beer drives the commenting masses to a sexual frenzy.
DON'T introduce yourself in person to a potential hookup by your commenter name, however.
DO use your commenter names when calling out during sex. Nothing's hotter than hearing "Give it to me Phony Gwynn!" mid-thrust.
DON'T underestimate the power of being the Combudsman. A promise of a commenter invite will turn any girl into a panty dropper.
DO feel free to give your hook-up a +1 after a particularly good sack session.
DON'T forget, non-stop Anchorman quotes in the comments: usually funny. Non-stop Anchorman quotes in bed: never funny.
DO remember that body tagging online and body tagging in real life are not the same thing. You should, however, close your tag in both cases.
DON'T offer to "threadjack" Will. He's way out of your league. Plus, his parent's basement is kinda small.
DO remember there is a sliding scale of attractiveness for commenter hook-ups. A commenter "9" is a real life "5". Set your expectation levels accordingly.
DON'T think that having a blog you update once a month moves you up on the attractiveness scale. You're not fooling anybody.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
How To Hook Up With A Deadspin Commenter
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
How to Have a Female in Your Fantasy Football League
by SportsGirl365, Strike Zones and End Zones
As more and more girls are joining fantasy football leagues (whether you like it or not), there seems to be some confusion as to how to treat the women while they are in the house of men. From a fantasy football veteran, I feel the need to offer a few guidelines to you guys out there.
DO feel free to continue to demean and objectify women in your team name. If I can name my own team the Cum Dumpsters, you can certainly name yours using any play on Donkey Punch.
DON’T clean up the house. When a woman enters a man’s house, he often feels the need to put the porn away and pick the dirty underwear up off the floor. Not so in fantasy football. She’s in your territory now. Leave the porn and underwear. You should probably throw away those tissues though.
DO expect her to be able to competently draft a team on her own. Just because she’s female does not allow her to use a computer drafting program or to call her boyfriend at every pick to ask who she should draft.
DON’T be afraid to confiscate the computer and cell phone and let her flounder on her own should she violate the guideline above.
DO institute the “shot rule”. If she (or anyone) mispronounces a player’s name or tries to draft someone who has already been drafted, make her do a shot. This is how you weed out the posers from the chicks who know their stuff. By the fifth round, the posers will be effectively eliminated by way of passing out.
DON’T institute the “What? She was passed out” rule.
DO bite back if she brings the heat in the email threads. Trash talk is what the game is about. If she can dish, she should be able to take it.
DON’T make it personal. Just because your girlfriend cheated on you and you now hate all creatures with vaginas doesn’t mean you can take it out on your new female league member. Unless she calls your mom a tranny hooker. Then it’s on.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
How to Have a Blogger Fight: Sports Edition
by SportsGirl365, Strike Zones and End Zones
Let’s face it. Blogger fights are lame. But if you feel the need to engage another sports blogger in verbal combat, here are few Do's and Don't's.
DO make sure you’re prepared for the backlash. A site may look shitty, but you never know how deep a blogger rolls. Us sports bloggers are gangster.
DON’T hit and run. Making a statement about another blogger and then moderating your own comments is the equivalent of hitting a batter on purpose and then hiding behind the umpire. Don’t be that guy.
DO use tranny hooker references often. They’re funny.
DON’T make fun of a blogger’s spelling or typos. Nothing screams “I have no comeback” like calling someone out for spelling douchebag wrong.
DO make sure you’re picking on a big enough blogger if you’re trying to increase site traffic. Making fun of me will give you 30 site hits. Making fun of Will at Deadspin will give you 3,000.
DON’T make fun of Will at Deadspin. (Editor's note: The Emo haircut is gone, so it's not fun now anyway.)
DO make sure that you’re both on the same page. If Blogger A is making a joke of it and Blogger B is taking himself too seriously, then Blogger B just looks like a jackass.
DON’T take yourself too seriously. We’re sports bloggers for chrissakes. What the hell do WE know? Besides, we’re usually drunk and/or high. I’m a little drunk right now, actually.
DO recognize when people are making fun of you.
DON’T spend 30 minutes researching an educated response to a commenter who simply called you a douchebag. Especially if they spelled it right.
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