by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Hey, your league has probably drafted. Now it's the time to meet all of your new friends in the league... and discover that they are a lot like the people you've met before. Let's review them all, shall we?
10. Handcuff Enthusiast. Now, I don't have an incredible opinion about the practice of having the star and his backup; sometimes I go there (especially if the star is injury prone or aging), and sometimes I don't. But what I love is when some other owner has your handcuff and thinks you have to have him, no matter what... and reacts with incredulity when you don't move a starter to him in trade for the backup. Good times!
9. Leaving Early / Autodrafter. Hey, why see the draft through to the end, when you can bail early, lose your first week and suck up the choicest members of the waiver wire? Oh, and gloat about it later. Thankfully, this guy never wins, and rarely stays in your league the next year... but like zombies, he reappears, over and over again. Beware!
8. Projectionist. Do you chart out your predictions for the upcoming season? Sometimes I do, and something I just crib them from another source.
But you know what I do with those projections when the season actually starts? For the most part, forget about them for actual performance... because, um, PROJECTIONS AREN'T REAL. This is the same guy that will pule that a future trade isn't fair, because the player you want to move was drafted lower. Good luck dealing with him.
7. Mr. Insider. Hey, I know a neighbor of the coach, and he was telling me... that just about everything else that you say can be safely ignored, because it's either bull or, um, bigger bull. Insider information is short-sighted, overrated, and usually wrong... and utterly irresistible. (By the way, you should also ignore this guy's stock picks.)
6. Mover and Shaker. Do you like the team you drafted? Well, you must be a ball-free wuss. Come on down and shake things up with this guy, who longs to suck everyone into a constant maelstrom of movement that will make your league even more of a timesuck than normal. Hey, look, here's your third trade request of the day!
5. Matchup Malignant. Ready to collude? Come on down to the gutter with this guy, who will seek to trade and trade back the same players in a transparent attempt to skirt bye weeks and piss off everyone else in the league. If it's not against the rules, it must be fine!
4. Deadbeat Dad. Three weeks he's into the season, his team is 0 and 3, and you're not getting many replies to your emails or trades. Sure hope you didn't wait to get his share of the money...
3. My Other League Is In Canada. Do you have a personal nemesis in your league that you're finally getting the upper hand on? Expect -- nay, demand -- that he or she has another league (or six) on the side that's worth more money, is infinitely cooler and more challenging, and that while he would have liked to have won your league as well, it just wasn't that important. (Needless to say, he's losing in that league, too.)
2. The Heartbreak of Diverticulitis! You know the only thing worse than hearing about someone else's fantasy football team? (Um, hearing about their D&D or World of Warcraft or Second Life experience. But I digress.) Hearing their tale of woe when they lose some head to head matchup on a fluke play.
Um, folks? It's fantasy football. It's all about fluke plays. If you don't want it to be that way, play in a points league. Or just shut up and take your loss like a man. Nearly everyone else will go down the exact same way.
1. Me. How can I write this list? Because I'm all of these people. And I'm going to win your league, just to infuriate you. Count on it.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
TOP TEN JERKS IN YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
TOP TEN FANTASY FOOTBALL KEYS TO FAILURE
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Which big names will be on teams that suck this year? Well, these guys. And if they don't, feel free to come find me at the end of the year and demand your money back. Finally, if you've already drafted them and are now bent out of shapre that I'm naming them... well, take solace in the fact that I'm An Idiot And You're Very Smart, Neener Neener. Let's get on to the bloodletting...
10. Stephen Jackson... with a twist. No, not the dreadlocked Rams RB and consensus top 5 pick, but the scrub with the same name who toils for the Chiefs practice squad. Early in August, many online auctions were enlivened by some jokester tossing out the Evil SJax out there, getting people who didn't check the merchandise well enough to pay through the nose for him, and then laughing themselves stupid as teams crippled themselves right at the start. Similar hijinks could be pulled with Adrian Peterson and Steve Smith, of course, but the Jackson Gambit earns special points of awfulness, in that this is the first year it has worked. If you are in a league with someone who did this, do not trade with that guy. If you are the guy that did it, my hat's off. And I'm backing away from you slowly, and never turning my back...
9. Willie Parker, RB, Pittsburgh Steelers. The best thing that can happen here is that Rashard Mendenhall gets hurt and/or has continuing fumble issues. The worst case scenario is Reality, in which Mendenhall becomes the lead back by mid-season and Parker becomes the de facto caddy, in kind of a Julius Jones / Marion Barber far from useful platoon. I've seen Parker go in the high third round, as if he still had the lead job or those 2006 touchdown numbers were coming back. They aren't, he isn't, and your 2008 is about to get Highly Frustrating.
8. Carson Palmer, QB, Cincinnati Bengals. The schedule is hard. He kinda stunk last year -- look at the per-game rates, and if it wasn't the Brown blowup game or the Week 17 Who Cares fest, he wasn't good at all. His deep wideout is batshit loco, playing with a broken shoulder and on the wrong side of 30. His #3 WR is the clubhouse leader in the Who Will Get Arrested First prop bet. His running back just let town on a slab, and his coach is probably starting at a pink slip at the end of the year. Oh, and he's not mobile, and his offensive line isn't very good. Ladies and gentlemen, bid early and bid often on Carson Palmer!
7. Willis McGahee, RB, Baltimore Ravens. A consensus second round pick, despite the fact that he's (a) been cut on, (b) getting a pea-green rookie as his new QB, (c) on a team that will be behind early and often, and (d) spent the pre-season watching his eventual replacement (Ray Rice) give everyone some hope for the future. Let's just saw he's not on any of my teams.
6. Marvin Harrison, WR, Indianapolis Colts. This just in... they didn't need him back. Anthony Gonzalez gave them a better #2 wideout down the stretch last year, and Young Gonzo didn't spend his off-season not commenting on gun troubles. Oh, and Marvin also has knee issues on astroturf. That's good. Finally, in his absence last year, Dallas Clark picked up some of that Peyton Manning mind-meld stuff. And yet, people were drafting him in my leagues as if he were a lock-solid #2. The times, they are a changing.
5. Tony Gonzalez, TE, Kansas City Chiefs. Last year was wonderful, but the yards helped to hide the fact that he doesn't get red zone looks any more, and Kansas City is just plain terrible. Gonzo isn't a terrible pick in and of himself, but it's more what he represents -- an outdated mode of thinking (i.e., Tight Ends Are Scarce), which is usually indicative of an owner that isn't paying enough attention. He won't help many people win this year.
4. Any Seattle Running Back (Julius Jones, Maurice Morris, TJ Duckett). None of these guys are very good, and neither is the Seattle offensive line, which didn't open holes for anyone last year. (Admittedly, when Shaun Alexander is "running" behind you, maybe you have morale issues.) Add the fact that two of the three guys were brought in as free agents, and you've got a three-way suckfest where no one is walking away satisfied. If you draft any of these guys, rest assured that you will be played along for months waiting for Some Magical Injury to come along and give your guy the featured role... only to discover that 20 carries behind this line will get you a whopping 30 yards more than the 10 carries did.
3. San Diego defense. First off, the guy with the first defense taken off the board usually tanks, because there's way too much chance that a defense from nowhere (remember the Titans last year?) will provide real value, while a highly regarded unit (say, the mostly folding their tent Ravens) will struggle. People who take the Charger defense will do so without degrading them for the inevitable Shawne Merriman injury. Even if Lights In His Head Are Out is most of what he usually is, they weren't going to perform as well this year, because teams aren't going to throw near Antonio Cromartie again, and they didn't get many hurries to go with their sacks. The division is still bad, but if you were drafting these guys in the 5th through 7th rounds, the rest of your lineup has to have suffered in comparison.
2. Derek Anderson, QB, Cleveland Browns. Last year's 7th ranked player in Yahoo (and 5th overall quarterback) spent the tail end of the 2007 undermining his status before signing a front-loaded extension. He's got one year to claim this franchise as his own over backup Brady Quinn, and so far, he's reacted to the pressure in a Hoying-esque fashion, driving always calm Browns Fan to start puling for the Bradycat.
He does have a great line to work behind and fine weapons in Winslow and Edwards... but both of those guys have been very injury prone in their lives, and it's not as if his division or schedule is a walk in the park. There's a reason this guy was a sixth round pick who couldn't beat out Charlie Frye for the starting job on Opening Day in 2007, and I'm betting we're reminded of that reason at length in 2008.
1. Rudi Johnson, RB, Maybe Detroit. The surest sign of team that is auto-drafting cannon fodder was the guy taking the former first-round Bengal stud who was released late last week. Drafting him might work out in the long run, as the World Wide Lemur is reporting tonight that he's part of an extremely underwhelming committee in Detroit... and then again, it might not, given that he's fantastically old, slow, and hard to get through metal detectors with that fork in his back. Oh, and Detroit sucks.
Add your favorite objects of hate in the comments...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
TOP 10 REASONS WHY SHAWN MERRIMAN IS GOING TO PLAY WITH TORN LIGAMENTS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Chargers linebacker and noted steroid achiever Shawne Merriman has decided to play this season despite two town ligaments in his left knee. The three-time Pro Bowler consulted four doctors before making the decision, and has been told that he could suffer a career-ending injury if he attempts to play without surgery. What were the factors in his decision-making?
10. An annoying Army general with a mustache told him he couldn't, and that made Shawne very, very angry
9. Refuses to let anyone think he isn't as tough or dumb as Phillip Rivers
8. Has already made enough money in his career for a lifetime supply of rawhide chews, so he's good with the possible income loss
7. Norv Turner told him to get the surgery
6. Drafted himself at IDP in his fantasy league (in the first round, naturally)
5. Has a charming, child with sick puppy-like faith that if something bad happens, the team will help
4. Wants to make LaDanian Tomlinson feel like an even bigger pussy for missing last year's AFC Championship
3. Doesn't want to be accused of starting an EA Sports NFL Tour cover jinx
2. Thinks that the best way to get a big free agent payday is to show he can play not just hurt, but also permanently crippled
1. "Lights Out" doesn't just refer to his hitting style
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
TOP 10 CURSED PRO FOOTBALL POSITIONS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Ever notice how your favorite pro football team seems to have the same weakness, year after maddening year? (This is where you nod your head vigorously. Good theoretical audience.) Well, here's a list of the Heels of Achilles. Enjoy, or wince, or both.
10. Chicago Bears Quarterback. When your best is a guy that played during the freaking Depression (Sid Luckman), and you have glorious memories of a limited game manager (Jim McMahon)... um, the franchise history really, really sucks. Don't hate on Orton and Sexy Rexy; they are just keeping up tradition.
9. Philadelphia Eagles Linebacker. For most Eagles fans, the last one we liked was Seth Joyner. (OK, William Thomas had his moments, but not like the Linebacker From A Town Called Hate.) Seth stopped playing ball for the home team, um, fifteen years ago. Thomas's last year in Eagle green was in the last millennium. We will now stop to remember the Dhani Jones Era, and kick a wall. Hard.
8. Detroit Lions Quarterback. Here's the funniest and best thing you will ever need to know about the Lions... remember Scott Mitchell? Breathtakingly awful big lefty QB who signed a big contract as Dan Marino's understudy, and stunk to nearly Bobby Hoying-esque levels? Well, he's in something called the Lions Legends, who, according to the Lions, "created special moments and added to the lore of football in the Motor City." Would those special moments include losing the job to the immortal Dave Krieg and Charlie Batch, or the 65 career INTs in 57 starts? Only in Detroit does one decent year make you a Legend.
Oh, and the rest of the Lions QBs since Bobby Layne have also stunk on ice. When your best is Rodney Peete and Jon Kitna, you are not exactly covering yourself in glory.
7. Rams Defensive Back. Going back to the start of the franchise, the Rams have been in operation in the NFL since 1936. They've had Hall of Famers all over the place, a defensive line for the ages in the early 1970s, and a pinball offense in the early part of this century. But what they've never had is a defensive back that's been a real keeper, unless Adam Archuleta is your idea of quality. Take heart, Rams Fan -- it's tradition to follow the opposing WR into the end zone.
Oh, they did have Dick "Night Train" Lane, a legendary hitter and Hall of Famer, at the start of his career, when he set a rookie record with 14 picks. They traded him to the Lions. I'm telling you, bad DB decisions is in the DNA for this laundry.
6. Saints Tight End. Let's just say that Jeremy Shockey is going to enjoy the competition, when walking wounded Eric Johnson and vagabond Billy Miller count as some of the more notable in the position's history. The best in franchise history is probably Mike Ditka, which doesn't much count, seeing as he only coached them. After that, you've got something called Henry Childs and the very best Hoby (Brenner) ever to play in the NFL. They should just put Shockey in the Saints Hall of Fame in his first game and make him feel more at home.
5. Eagles Coach. One of the great secrets of the Philly market is that the great majority of us are happy with Andy Reid, and the simple reason is that they rank very highly in our history. When your history includes Rich Kotite, Mike McCormick, Marion Campbell, Joe Kuharich and a confederacy of dunces that stagger the imagination, suddenly a guy with a .611 winning percentage looks damned good -- even if his kids are wanted in three states. Seriously, in 75 years, it's Greasey Neale, Dick Vermeil and Cap'n Andy. Not exactly a torrent of glory.
4. Cardinals Owner. How much has The Bidwell Family (yes, it's been handed down from father to son) screwed this franchise? Enough so that the gods of football karma have seen fit to stone them through three cities, innumerable quarterbacks, coaches and general managers, and a solid decade of The Cardinals Could Surprise This Year preview stories that never come to fruition. When your franchise's crowning moment of glory is a first round playoff win that starred Jake Plummer, it goes behind a particular position or draft approach. This fish rots from the head down, and in Bidwell's 45 (!) years as the owner, they have had four (yes, four) playoff appearances in that time. This is the oldest professional football team in North America, and they have not appeared in so much as a conference championship game since World War Two. Swish that around your mouth for a while and see how that tastes; it tastes like the reason why Cardinals Fan is among the rarest fan in the NFL.
3. Bengals Management. Mike Brown's legacy is nearly Bidwell-esque in its incompetence, but with the added flavor of constant arrests adding to the futility. For a team that's supposed to be led by a defensive mastermind in Marvin Lewis, and by Family Values types in top management, there's something mighty fishy going on in Porkopolis... and on some level, it's nice to know they can lose with reprobates as easily as they lost with clean cut citizens.
2. Buffalo Kicker. Is this an unfair ranking for one wide kick? No. If Scott Norwood's kick is true, Buffalo would have won its first trip to the Super Bowl, and would have made future embarrassments in the big game much less likely. They would have also spared the nation the next fifteen years of abject Bill Parcells worship, as he would have been a Billickian one-time winner, rather than a multiple unquestioned genius. Such is the power of the curse of Buffalo Kicker that the team has not won since, and that the best player in their history became a multiple murderer. Allegedly. (Ignore the fact that they didn't win before, please.)
1. Jets QB. Oh, am I going there, you Namath worshipers? Hell and yes. When your absolute best is Chad Pennington and Boomer Esiason, and your absolute worst is among the worst things that have ever sullied an NFL field... and oh, by the way, Namath may be the most overrated quarterback in NFL history when you look at the numbers... well, let's just say that Brett Favre's future flameout will be right in tune with the rest of your sorry legacy. Good night, and good luck.
MORE FOOTBALL STORIES YOU'LL ENJOY:
LT trains with Kimbo
Why the Cardinals chose Warner over Leinart
ESPN Is Sticking With Kurt Warner
Ranking The 32 Starting NFL Quarterbacks
Ricky Manning may be on the Browns free agent radar
Lou Holtz is The Homer
SEC, bitches!
Monday, August 25, 2008
TOP 10 REASONS WHY THE CARDINALS ARE CHOOSING KURT WARNER OVER MATT LEINART
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. Would rather have their hearts broken by experience instead of youth
9. Prefer when the quarterback fumbles, as opposed to getting intercepted
8. God told them to do it (note: God seems, on the most part, to not be on Bill Bidwell's side)
7. In the NFC West, mediocrity, not rank incompetence, is the gold standard
6. Team is just a mite bit concerned about the leadership abilities of a man who doesn't seem to want to leave college
5. Warner might be faster in a foot race, assuming that there isn't a keg at the finish line
4. Think Warner has a better future, and more potential to still be in the league in two years
3. Hoping to toughen Leinart up with the demotion (and if this doesn't work, will take his stylist and entourage away)
2. Watching Leinart struggle against the Raiders made them really question how he'd perform against NFL defenses
1. Truly believe that Warner gives them a better chance to cover the spread when they lose
Sunday, August 24, 2008
TOP 10 REASONS TO BE THANKFUL THE OLYMPICS ARE ENDING
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. You don't need to make small talk with the cube-mates who think that since you watch sports, you have to have an opinion on gymnastics
9. The moratorium on hating Coach K, Kobe Bryant and Jason Kidd is over
8. The US female beach volleyball team can now go have kids and give the rest of the world hope
7. Everyone can forget about Tibet for a few more years
6. The world can take some time to better perfect carbon dating of athletes
5. Men and women can feel free to run through the streets with torches again
4. Now that China has had its moment in the sun, they'll stop oppressing their people
3. Michael Phelps can get around to rampant whoring, both on a commercial and personal basis
2. You can finally devote your full attention to preseason football, games 120 through 130 of the MLB season, and the rest of your jam-packed August sports calendar
1. We can stop hearing about how wonderful it is to watch second and third-tier sports played by people wearing flags
Thursday, August 21, 2008
TOP 10 GREATEST YANKEES FOR YANKEE HATERS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Note... this isn't a list of the worst Yankee players ever. Rather, this is the list of Yankees that me and my brethren enjoyed watching in pinstripes, because we knew they disappointed you so, Yankee Fan. (Inspired by the increasingly obvious rotting smell in the Bronx, as well as return to the public eye of Carl Pavano and Hideki Irabu. Welcome back, gentlemen!)
10. Irabu. The Fat Pussy Toad didn't actually keep the Yankees from winning, received two World Series rings for relatively little work, and his 29-20 won-loss record hardly seems worth the hate. But in terms of pure ire, it's hard to top the man that cost the then-exorbitant $12.8 million. New York was so disgusted with the guy, they sent him to Montreal with Jake Westbrook, getting back future whipping boy Ted Lilly. Now causing drunken scenes in Osaka bars.
9. Ed Whitson. This one might be before the time of most readers, but Whitson's epic flameout as a member of the 1986 Yankees was punctuated by death threats and people visiting his home. Ah, for the simpler time when millionaire ballplayers didn't live in gated communities with security personnel...
8. Dale Berra. Maybe he wasn't much in the way of real disappointment, in that it was pretty well established that he wasn't much of a player in the 8 years he spent mucking around Pittsburgh. But his 90 games of .230 hitting was punctuated by one spectacular play in Chicago in a nationally televised game, where he was one of several Yankees tagged out by Carlton Fisk in a baserunning blunder for the ages. When you think of the mid-'80s teams that were such delightful failures, you think of the Berra Play.
7. Kyle Farnsworth. Perhaps the greatest symbol of late era Yankee failure, this eternal whipping child threw hard, threw straight, threw often and generally made Yankee fan throw up. As the final piece de resistance, he brought them Ivan Rodriguez in trade, who hasn't hit worth a damn, seeing that he's cursed with Farnsy's essence. (On the bright side, Yankee Fan, Farnsy's got a 7+ ERA with the Kittens.)
6. Jason Giambi. From hell's heart the Oakland A's stab at thee! The one-time AL MVP and OPS machine has delivered far less than the $90 million of salary he's sucked up from the Evil Empire, and while his 201 homers in 7 years in pinstripes seems OK, much more was expected from a hitter who seemed tailor-made for The Stadium. Plus, there's the whole Steroid Embarrassment thing going on.
5. Kei Igawa. This contract flameout may have crippled a lesser team with just the posting bonus paid to his old team, but Yankee Fan has been more or less spared his tender touch. How evil has the Keimaster been for the Pinstripes? His career ERA: 6.66. He's the lefthander of the Beast!
4. Ken Phelps. An '80s era DH who statheads liked because he combined patience with power, the Yankees acquired him from Seattle only to watch his doubles-gap power become long fly ball outs in the Stadium. After 130 games of .230 hitting with 17 homers and 51 RBIs, they gave up and sent him to Oakland. Too bad that the short-term rental cost them a mildly notable player named Jay Buhner. (Good grief, how good would the late '90s Yankees been with Buhner?)
3. Kevin Brown. What a spectacular contract flameout this was. For the $31 million and rights to Jeff Weaver (well, OK, that was a good thing to avoid) that the Yankees paid him, Brown gave them a 14-11 record, a 5+ ERA, and an utterly brutal start in the 2004 ALCS choke job to the Red Sox. Let's just say that if he gets to Cooperstown (and he's got a case), he won't be wearing pinstripes.
2. Randy Johnson. From the word go, the Unit was a bad fit in the Bronx, with snarls for from the start. The Unit went 34-19 in two regular seasons, but when it mattered -- i.e., the post-season, he was terrible, giving them two of the worst efforts of his career and a 7-run ERA. He's one more Hall of Famer (and an absolute lock of one) that won't be wearing pinstripes when he takes the call, and given that he destroyed them as a Diamondback, it's even more bitter.
1. Don Mattingly. The fact that Yankee Fan's greatest man crush was also the poster child for one of the longest championship-free eras of the team's existence is tragic to Yankee Fan, and proof of a God with some tender mercies for the rest of us. Isn't it nice, Yankee Fan, that we can agree on something?
(Oh, and if you really want Pavano on this list, I won't argue with you. Just give him a few more weeks to add to the legacy...)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
TOP 10 NEXT CAREER MOVES FOR MICHAEL PHELPS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. A dramatic amount of poon, followed by a long slow slide into significantly less poon
9. Crank calling Mark Spitz in the middle of the night while giggling
8. Dramatically ineffective ads for sponsors that don't call back
7. Hundreds, if not thousands of casual acquaintances flocking to be his wingmen
6. Voting for himself in a lot of polls as to whether he's the best American athlete ever
5. Failing to live up to expectations in 2012 London Games, no matter what he does
4. Gaining an awful lot of weight the moment he stops training, since he eats like some kind of old school Pac Man
3. Becoming increasingly bitter over the lack of a professional swimming league or traveling road show
2. Counting and polishing gold medals and weeping
1. Fifty to sixty years of slow decay and fade until his obituary, which you can more or less write now
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
TOP 12 WAYS TO TELL IF YOU ARE A WHIPPED SPORTS FAN
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Inspired by this unspeakable atrocity against life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. (H/t, With Leather.)
12. Someone sent you the link to this list (note: if this happened to you, don't bother to argue with the assessment)
11. You justify watching sports for some other purpose (work, family, and, err, um, blogging)
10. You actually have to listen to complaints about how fantasy sports / the NFL / the NBA / MLB / Your Sport Here makes your woman a "widow", rather than "a woman who is with a man who has interests that don't revolve around her"
9. You've purchased multiple pink-colored hats, jerseys and team attire to try to "share" your fandom
8. You lie about going to a game, watching a game, playing a game, or having any game
7. You no longer objectify cheerleaders for their endowments, because that would be Wrong, Wrong, Wrong
6. Your male friends are disappearing from your life like horny teenagers in a slasher film
5. Any sports purchase has to be immediately balanced against a make-good purchase, to the point where you don't even make sport purchases anymore
4. You sound like a puling 8-year-old when you ask permission to do stuff with the guys, or you describe the event that you want to do as if it's a support group meeting ("I don't even like poker, but Bill sounded really down on the phone, and I think he wants to talk")
3. You watch crap that she likes (i.e., reality television contests) as if they were actually sporting events
2. When you take her to the game, you buy wildly better seats in the utter delusion that if she's up close to the event, she'll actually watch
1. You apologize for liking and/or watching sports, and on some level, mean it
TOP 12 REASONS WHY THE BEARS WENT WITH ORTON OVER GROSSMAN
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
12. When Orton takes an unnecessary sack, he's less likely to fumble
11. Just can't give the ball to a man that Ron Rivera referred to as "kind of a mental midget"
10. Incompletions are less harmful than interceptions
9. Sexy Rexy is hot, but even he could not deny the power of the Neck Beard
8. Orton is 25, while Rex is 28, and that three-year difference will really be important when both men are out of the league in two years
7. The track record of useless quarterbacks from Purdue is slightly stronger than the track record of useless quarterbacks from Florida
6. Bears just wanted less exposure on Kissing Suzy Kolber
5. Coach Lovie Smith is one of those guys that likes to take bandages off hair by hair, which means he's more of an Orton kind of guy
4. Orton reminds the coaching staff of franchise all-time great Sid Luckman. Unfortunately for Bears Fan, Luckman's dead
3. Orton's underthrows are less likely to get Devin Hester killed than Grossman's overthrows
2. Replacing an incompetent game manager QB with an incompetent gunslinger is much more exciting for team that's failing in mid-season
1. Because while a solid turd is disgusting and not conducive to winning, it's better than a sloppy pantload of wet work
Sunday, August 17, 2008
TOP 12 SIGNS PHILLIES FAN IS LOSING IT
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
12. Losing hope that, after thirty some years on the job, the Phanatic will ever have good baseball fundamentals
11. Convinced that ESPN put them on Sunday Night Baseball against the Padres just to mock their current offensive woes
10. By reflex, still blaming Pat Burrell for everything
9. Ready to overlook everything if Brett Myers can just string together some decent starts
8. Becoming increasingly tempted to join in (or start) the traditional August "Let's Go Eagles" Chants
7. Failing to realize that team is not designed to never be more than ten games over .500
6. Quite convinced that Jimmy Rollins was never any good on the basis of one interview and his thoroughly predictable off year
5. Failing to appreciate the flat-out miracle years they are getting out of Jamie Moyer and Brad Lidge
4. Now that iPods are all the rage, doesn't have any decent sized batteries to throw
3. Not really noticing, to the extent that you might think, that Cole Hamels is beating Ryan Howard in batting average by fifty points
2. Still thinks Kyle Kendrick is gutty, rather than gut-churning
1. Campaign Cheer
Friday, August 15, 2008
TOP 10 FANTASY FOOTBALL LIVE DRAFT INTIMIDATION TACTICS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Greetings, Epic Readers. As the carnie from Five Tool Tool, I'm here to help you embrace your Inner Tool, and make him more effective.
Since it's required by site law that you be way too into fantasy football (what, you didn't read the User Agreement? Wow, you're brave...) we'll start the lesson with some game plans for your upcoming fantasy football draft.
For the record, we've tried all of these... in the same draft. We're not, you know, liked, or stable.
10. The Stare Down. It's simple: pretend you're about a foot and a hundred pounds bigger than you actually are, and that the guy drafting in front of you *can* be willed into boning the pick, or into taking the guy you want him to take.
Example: "Eli. You know you want him. Come on. Pull the trigger. It's his year. First round. BE A MAN."
Advantage: Can actually work, especially if the victim is a rookie and/or hopeless homer, and you know his weaknesses.
Disadvantage: Everyone knows you're a douche, which hurts in trying to make a trade later. Also, while you're doing this, you're not thinking about your pick.
9. The Post-Pick Concern. Here, you adopt an air of sincere regret for the target, in which you drop some choice bit of knowledge that would have really helped him a few seconds ago. Please note that this knowledge does not have to be actually true.
Example: "Ballsy pick. You sure the knee's all right?"
Advantage: Can be done quickly and easily. If effective, can rattle the victim into last-minute cramming for the rest of the draft, leading to a high chance of blown picks.
Disadvantage: Easily mocked if done wrong.
8. Prep Overlord. You bring a half dozen books and magazines, and a full binder full of Excel spreadsheets. Whether or not you've actually read any of them is beyond the point, of course.
Example: "These? Oh, that's just what I brought. There's a lot more at home."
Advantage: Fairly effortless, occasionally effective.
Disadvantage: Earns you secret nicknames from other owners, and special ire if your team tanks.
7. Mr. Nonchalant. This tactic involves making yourself at home, perhaps with beer, porno magazines, a cell phone, the television, anything. Just be sure not to look like you are paying any attention to the draft, because that would involve being, you know, actually worried about who these other clowns are taking. (Note the reference to the word clowns, to show that we're down with the blog's theme.)
Example: "Is it the third round already? Damn, I forget all about picks when the chick can do that with her tongue. (Show magazine) I mean, seriously -- you think that's real? She's got to be some kind of gymnast or something. Oh, and give me Willis McGahee."
Advantage: Usually a good time. Also makes other owners underestimate you in trade talks, and also could help you destroy someone else's draft who likes the idea of, you know, having a good time.
Disadvantage: Hard to pull off without actually wrecking your draft. Usually not terribly intimidating.
6. The Full Monte. Here, you take every second allotted before every pick. It's especially effective if the rest of the league is drafting quickly, and you don't look like you're actually sweating out a decision.
Sample: "Oh, that bothers you? I guess you should read the rules on how long we've got to pick. Or are you too fast on the draw in everything?"
Advantage: Can infuriate groups of owners into quick-drawing and blowing picks. Besides, a little outright hostility can spice up a dull draft.
Disadvantage: Forget trades. You might also have to throw down later.
5. The Michael Corleone. You dress better than everyone else in the draft. You're mostly silent, surveying the others like a shark. You bring a silent, Tom Hagan-esque consigliere, who you tear into with unwarranted and sudden bouts of profanity and/or physical abuse. And at the end of the draft, you close the door, slowly, on whoever attempts to talk trade or be social.
Sample: "BITCH! YOU WON'T TAKE MY QUARTERBACK!"
Advantage: For most fantasy players, playing an amoral, heartless bastard is like breathing.
Disadvantage: In a world of Sonnys and Fredos, Michael tends to not get noticed.
4. The Constant Trader. You're making deal proposals before players are even selected. You've got side conversations with three different owners at once. And, with any luck, you're completely confusing at least one competitor, and maybe others, into completely tanking their draft.
Sample: "Hey, you got a second? I wanted to talk to you... about something."
Advantage: Stunningly effective, when done correctly. Rookies and other wheeler-dealers are especially prone to this attack.
Disadvantage: It's like that line from "Rounders"... if you can't spot the sucker, it's you. And when you wake up with six running backs on your roster and disappearing trade leverage, the only one you can really blame is that moron in the mirror.
3. Chick and a Dick. The ways in which a female owner can intimidate males in live fantasy drafts are so numerous, it's amazing that they don't win every league they are in.
Whether it's the come-hither play where favors are hinted at in return for bypassing a certain player, or the withering cock removal trash talk abuse when you take the player she wanted... let's face it, they've got weapons that men could never dream of.
Sample: (Making meaningful eye contact) "Hey, I really want to draft Hines Ward with my pick. He's my Dad's favorite player, and Dad's... well, he's not well, you know. Could you do me a big favor and not take him, please?"
Advantage: Off the charts. You're dynamite. Especially if you've got tits.
Disadvantage: You'll be hated, and being a girl, you're much more likely to care.
2. The Once And Future King. This one only works if you've won the previous year and enjoy rubbing it in. Your goal will be to remind every competitor about last year at every opportunity, including every individual pick of someone from last year's team. Bonus points if you can pull off talking in the third person for the entire draft.
Sample: "Drew Brees. Nice pick. He was a big key in last year's championship, especially after we drafted him in the 6th round."
Advantage: How many chances in life do you get to talk like a pro wrestler? Go for it. Besides, the guy that you beat last year in the championship round will spend the entire draft punching himself.
Disadvantage: This approach can lead to nostalgia reach picks, just for the sake of comedy.
1. Mr. Mute. It's almost like it's an auto-draft for you, as you speak to no one, drink or eat nothing, and stare down your draft prep like a Wall Street trader whose life depends on the next trade. The Mute usually goes off a single list that's been massaged for weeks.
Sample: "Nothing for me, thanks."
Advantage: If your league is filled with people who are playing games on each other, you'll put your team in a position to win by keeping an eerie focus.
Disadvantage: Not really intimidating; you're about as much fun as the wallpaper. Requires the most actual draft preparation, to the point that you will also take your notes with you to the bathroom, for fear of losing your advantage. If/when you lose, you'll only ramp up the draft prep next year.
If I'm missed any, please post in the comments. Unless, of course, this blows your whole strategy for your upcoming draft. (Like you're not the Mute.)
(Originally posted on 7/16/07, but we thought it was still relevant for this year too!)
Thursday, August 14, 2008
TOP 12 UPCOMING SUMMER GAMES SCANDALS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
12. Javelin, shot put and hammer throw contestants to all get the same null score when projectiles hit the "air"
11. That wrestler that refused the bronze medal isn't going to get a WWE contract
10. The French team doesn't actually know how to swim, and has just been using cleverly concealed engines in the armpits and groin
9. Multiple distance runners will sneak across the infield in the middle of races, under the theory that no one will be able to see them through the pollution anyway
8. That super-cringe inducing Weightlifter injury was ordered by NBC to boost the ratings for its Web sites
7. American NBA players now actually trying, which is, like, totally unfair
6. All of the events were actually completed a year ago
5. The little girl that was pretending to sing has already been sold into slavery for dishonoring the country
4. Bob Barr, Ralph Nader and Hilary Clinton to allege the NBC won't sell them ad time for their presidential campaigns on the telecasts
3. Not every Tibetan resident and Chinese dissident is a principled non-violent innocent
2. All of the gymnasts are underaged, forcibly anorexic, and startlingly uninspiring between the sheets
1. Some female athletes, despite what you have been led to believe by the sports blogosphere, are not good for masturbation
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
TOP 10 SIGNS THE DOLPHINS DIDN'T WANT JAY FEELY
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Today in Miami, placekicker Jay Feely was cut after the most accurate season in Dolphins history. In his exit interview with the press, Feely alleged that Dolphins management never made him feel welcome after the changeover to Bill Parcells. What were the clues?
10. Team brought in other kickers, and had them set up in his locker and sleep with his wife
9. Special teams coach kept asking, "Are you still here?"
8. Parcells had photos made of last year's captains, with large red X marks on all personnel
7. Kept bringing up "what you did in Seattle"
6. Told to stop being such a Jesuit, and a biped
5. As a Michigan alumni, made to answer for the crimes of Lloyd Carr
4. Parcells told him, point-blank, that every time Chris Berman referred to him as "Touchy Feely" during their time together at ESPN, he burst a blood vessel
3. Unlike the other kickers and punters, had to bus tables and pay for lunch at training camp
2. Given the nicknames "AJ, "Norwood", and "Unemployment Compensation Claim"
1. Um, he's a freaking kicker... does anyone ever want those guys?
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