by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Hey, unwanted foster fans of MLB-! It's your old hacky list monkey here to sow some cruelty on your meager hopes. Let's end this!
St. Louis Cardinals
Having won a World Series without very much of a pitching staff or won-loss record, the Redbirds are trying to perform a similar trick this year, otherwise known as "How Much Can Dave Duncan Get Out Of Scotch Tape and Turds." The answer is Not Enough, as 3-4-5 starters Joel Piniero, Braden Looper and Some Guy Who Won't Last Past June will quickly but surely exhaust a thin bullpen.
They'll have a puncher's chance if Albert Pujols puts off surgery with a 1.100 OPS, if Rick Ankiel continues his modern-day Ruth routine, and if the rest of the division continues to treat 85 wins as a dynasty. But let's face it, the Cubs have bought at least 86 wins with their $300 million payroll, and even if they haven't, the Brewers are bound to get a healthy year out of Ben Sheets once every five years. Besides, Jason Isringhausen is due for another injury any minute now...
Prediction: 78-84, also ran in the Central.
Colorado Rockies
After a long time of trying to win the same old way (offense and more offense), the Rocks finally got the hint that defense in a hitters' park was important last year, and they made their pitching staff look good as a result. Unfortunately, most of the good young talent probably isn't very good or very young, so they are not likely to get the same years out of Holliday, Hawpe, or Atkins, and they got way too much out of too many retreads to expect the same magic ride this time around.
The thing that will help, both now and in the future, is that the Rockies finally seem to get it -- they need a very good defense to win in Coors, and that's also something that will (finally) help them be OK on the road. They'll also need Troy Tulowitzki to avoid the sophomore slump, and it would be a big help if Todd Helton decided to hit for power again. Finally, Jeff Francis can't take a step back; as the closest thing this team has had to an ace, he's irreplaceable.
They'll contend all year, but it wouldn't take much for them to be a better team with worse results. I think they are still two starting pitchers away from being very good.
Prediction: 88-74, second in the West, no wild card.
San Diego Padres
The best pitchers park in MLB makes this team look like a bad offense, but don't be fooled -- they really are pretty bad. First baseman Adrian Gonzalez and shortstop Khalil Greene lead a punchless bunch that's still hoping for the return to effeciveness from Brian Giles; they might as well be waiting for a return from Tony Gywnn.
Last year, the Padres fell apart with speed late, and closer Trevor Hoffman blew two games that would have gotten them into the playoffs. This year, they will go as far as Jake Peavy and Chris Young will take them, which, given the offense and a bullpen that could be a little shaky, won't be far enough.
Prediction: 83-79, third in the West, no wild card.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
MLB SEASON PREVIEW: THE REST OF THE TEAMS THAT NO ONE CARED ENOUGH ABOUT TO PREVIEW
Monday, March 31, 2008
MLB SEASON PREVIEWS: THE REST OF THE TEAMS THAT NO OTHER CARNIE CARED ABOUT
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Hey, unwanted foster fans of MLB-! It's your old hacky list monkey here to sow some cruelty on your meager hopes. Let's get on to the bloodletting!
Chicago White Sox
Good lord, you do know that Jose Contreras is older than Luis Tiant and it's not a federal offense to not start him, don't you? He's so bad, even the Ligues don't want to sully their hands on him. But that's OK, because you won a World Series in this century, which means you aren't due for another one, um, ever.
It'll be another season to forget as Mark Buehrle slowly fades into obsolescence, Javier Vazquez toils for no good reason, and the non-Bobby Jenks parts of the bullpen reenact the finer work of Mrs. O'Leary's cow.
It all adds up to 75 wins, 87 losses, and a return to your rightful place as the sad-sack second string in the Second City. And if you're wondering what's fueling the hate for your team when I still have fond feelings for Ozzie Guillen, Jim Thome, Bobby Jenks and Jermaine Dye, I have just two words for you... "He gone." Yes, your television announcers being an offense against humanity counts that much.
Seattle Mariners
Never has so few carried the dead weight of so many. Last year, the M's rode Ichiro, a growing amount of Adrian Beltre, two months of Raul Ibanez having a pulse, King Felix and a great pen led by JJ Putz to the first winning record since people thought that video footage of fish being thrown was novel. But they were doomed by the epic awfulness of Richie Sexson, the more ordinary awfulness of Jose Vidro, the world's most punchless DH, and a back half of the rotation that managed to have horrible numbers in a pitcher's park, with a good defense, and a great bullpen. That takes talent, really.
This year, expect a slightly more deluxe version of the same. Felix and Bedard give them two possible aces and the dreaded "Dangerous In A Short Series" monicker, but the bully can't be as good again, and they still give the ball to numbnuts like Jarrod Washburn and Jeff Weaver.
So let's call it 85 wins, many of them coming from the AAAA shows going on in Oakland and Texas. In the immortal words of noted philosopher-king Derrick Coleman, Whoop De Damn Doo.
Houston Astros
Is it over yet? Has Craig Biggio really retired, or is it all a cruel tease, so that the prevailing memory of one of the best second basemen to ever play the game can continue to be his Pete Rose Lite act to hurt the team for a record?
No, the coast looks clear. Phew.
Now, the 'Stros hope for a rebirth from suspected Roid Achiever Miguel Tejada, and cloning from Roy Oswalt. One of the worst farm systems in the majors won't help much, and nor will the over-exposure of Michael Bourn in center.
It helps that the division is Comedy Central, and that the bullpen should be better, so long as Jose Valverde can stay healthy. (Hearty laughter goes here.) But they'd need way too much offense from a team that seems incapable of putting a bullet in Brad Ausmus's head.
Tragic 8-ball says... 76 wins, 86 losses, many satisfying naps.
Milwaukee Brewers
You know, I had a really in-depth piece in mind for this intriguing collection of talent... but then I dropped my laptop while smacking myself in the head.
Then, while trying to fix the laptop, I set the cat on fire while generating a sports hernia.
In other words, I pulled a Brewer!
This year, the team has vowed not to lose with the jaw-dropping defense of Ryan Braun at third. Instead, they'll play Bill Hall there, have Braun graze in left, swap out Braun in the late innings with people who don't regard catching the baseball as rocket science, and have Tony Gwynn's non-hitting kid try to make center, well, go better than when Hall was there.
Prince Fielder's still here to mash, and if Sheets, Gallardo and Co. stay healthy without watching the gloves cost them up to 6 wins a year... well, maybe.
And then they go and ruin the whole thing with Eric Gagne. Yikes. Let's call it...83-79 and watching the playoffs just like you and me.
Tomorrow -- the Cards, Rockies and Padres wrap it all up. Try to contain your excitement!
MLB SEASON PREVIEW: CANADIANS WISH THE BLUE JAYS WEREN'T SO NICE
by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field
The Toronto Blue Jays likely won't get to have an Opening Day until Wednesday with the way the rain is coming down in New York City, which means no weaseling out of writing the team preview.
It's assumed Epic Carnival's audience is dying to read about a perennial 83-win team that is based in a foreign country and plays in the charmless Rogers Centre, which only has a modicum of atmosphere. That's not the typical Canadian righteous, please-pay-attention-to-us indignation toward Americans talking. That's not even the beer talking.
It's just the best way to explain the bliss of being True Powder Blue. From mid-March to late September, you get to zone out on the greatest game of all, have beers (always the plural) while rocking a powder-blue throwback jersey and are insulated from the Canadian hockey mafia who are bent on sucking all the fun and life out of following the second-greatest game of all. It's more than enough to see John McDonald do his jump-throw from deep in the hole at shortstop.
Then there's the not-so-silently laughing at the stooges who waste their beautiful minds on whether the Jays can pull off a playoff spot in the cutthroat AL East.
It's reached the point that The Onion last Thursday mocked a local baseball writer for "writ(ing) his yearly mid-March article asserting that the Jays have a chance to contend in the AL East." Still, he wrote the same article four days later.
A few weeks of hard study and having the good B.S. detector that's sorely lacking from most of the chatterati is that the Jays' corporate strategy, playing in the AL East, is that averageness is next to godliness. They have a nice ballclub, but nice only gets you so far in baseball. See, it's exactly like life that way. There's no smile-when-you-kill quality to this team.
Finishing third in the AL East eight of the past 10 years (one second, one fifth) has inculcated a myth that the Jays need to be perfect to ever make the playoffs again. That's manifested itself in GM J.P. Ricciardi being bent on making sure there are no weak spots that they Jays don't have any strong spots, save for their starting pitching with Roy Halladay and A.J. Burnett. The Baseball Prospectus 2008 was nails over the winter, saying the Jays have "painted themselves into a corner," since they don't have the means or the opportunity, or the interested ownership, to go out and get the player who can put them over the top.
This probably sunk at some point over the winter during the 19th or so conversation over who should start at shortstop, David Eckstein, who can sort of hit but can't field, or John McDonald, AKA McGlovin, who can't hit but can field. Tons of bandwidth was spent debating two players who aren't going to a win a team a pennant.
It's a lineup of no stars (Alex Rios is a maybe) and no plugs, which means the Jays probably win about 88 games, which is fine. All Canadians want is to have our Canadianness acknowledged once in a while. Hey, did you know the movie Juno took its title from the name of Canada's version of the Grammys? But I digress.
The '92 team had two Hall of Fame position players, a centrefielder who had a visegrip on the Gold Glove, a first baseman who later won a batting title and a rightfielder who had led the league in RBI, but it also had Manuel Lee for a shortstop. The next year, the Jays had a vacancy at short and were able to bring in Tony Fernandez, who helped put them over the top.
That's not gonna happen with the way Rogers Communications, which has made uninterested ownership an art form (they need content; it need not be good content, just read the so-called blogs at sportsnet.ca) runs the team. They're only interested in having the payroll at a level where it looks like they're trying to do everything they can while their hands are tied by a poor baseball market. The Jays also appear to be skimping on signing amateur talent at a time when the Yankees, Red Sox and Tigers are throwing money at teenagers like they were the dot-commers from a decade ago.
It is what it is, but for the bastard sons of Ernie Whitt, the generation who cut their teeth on the 1985-93 teams and didn't jump off the bandwagon during the down years, nothing can be finer than the arrival of the home opener on Friday against the Red Sox. We've made it ours.
Let the Boomers who used the 1994-95 strike as an excuse not to follow baseball cling to hockey and try to pound it down everyone's throat, almost as a defence mechanism as the face of Canada becomes less and less white and Protestant. Let the younger generation who's into MMA (Mental Midget Assault) pony up for pay-per-views of something that is to sport what Girls Gone Wild is to sensuality. Let all the casuals of all ages who assume anything American has to be better hanker for the NFL to come to Toronto.
We have the Jays. It is unconditional. Like I said in the Deadspin preview, baseball doesn't need the Jays playing October baseball for its bottom line, so the bottom line is, Jays fans don't need October baseball. There's no playing along with the playoff talk.
Perhaps Burnett and Halladay will be a more lethal combo than Jack Daniels and I.W. Harper. Maybe enough of the hitters perform way over their heads and the Jays excise their tendency to take 2-of-3 off the Yankees or Red Sox and turn right around and get swept by the Kansas City Royals.
The Jays have a good, representative team. Hopefully they stay in the race deep in September. Hopefully they realize Aaron Hill could give them a decent 2-hole hitter for the first time since the days of Robbie Alomar. There's a lot to keep an eye on, like whether 40-year-old DH Frank Thomas gets the 376 plate appearances he needs to validate his 2009 contract. The Jays will have some drama, for sure.
At the end of the day, what matters is how they play the game and the Jays play it pretty well for the most part. Let everyone else worry about the playoffs.
Anyhow, if the Jays do contend by some combination of fluke, happenstance and guys playing so far over their heads it gives them nosebleeds, Bugs and Cranks, the Drunk Jays Fans ("smarter than you, and more drunk") and The Tao of Stieb ("One day, we'll be perfect") are your go-to blogs. I actually forgot to mention E. Spencer Kyte on the first write-through, but that happens when you have 33 million people spread over such a big country; I watched all three seasons of Arrested Development without knowing Will Arnett and Michael Cera were hosers.
The Drunks even had more than 100 comments for the liveblog of today's rainout.
(Seriously, who's the future brain surgeon who thought you could begin a season on March 31 in New York City, especially when Toronto plays in a retractable-roof stadium?)
Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.
MLB SEASON PREVIEW: THE CHICAGO FUK U DO ME'S
by Tony Riazzi, Pray for Mojo
As we begin what will no doubt be the well documented "season #100 since a championship" for the Chicago Cubs, they find themselves in an uncommon and perhaps even uncomfortable position- prohibitive division favorite.
For those of you unfamiliar with the story of the cursed Chicago Cubs, here's the cliff notes: 100 years ago a magic billy goat just wanted to hang out around Wrigley Field and eat the abundant garbage strewn about the surrounding area. Angry that he was asked to leave, the goat used his powers to put a magical curse on Wrigley Field and all who dwell in it, saying that as long as the stadium was in use people would slur their words and have short attention spans. Part of the curse also stipulated that for as long as the stadium stood, men would have to stand uncomfortably close to each other as they pissed into large metal troughs.
These curses still stand today, but despite that I have yet to see one season preview that does not have the Northsiders as their pick to take the NL Central. And rightfully so. Good pitching, solid bats and, a small personal bias here, the best manager in the game not named Joe Torre. But there are reasons for concern. Granted small ones, but considering who we're dealing with here, any concerns are major concerns.
Will Ryan Theriot be a good fit for the top of the lineup despite the fact that he gets on base even less than former ill-suited leadoff man Alfonso Soriano?
Will Ryan Dempster be able to hold 5 run leads in a starting role?
Will Jason Marquis' neck hold up as he watches pitch after pitch hit the firehouse on Waveland Avenue?
Will Kerry Wood hold up over a full season as the Cubs closer? And if by some crazy coincidence he gets hurt, will Carlos Marmol or Bob Howry be able to step in and take the ball in the 9th?
And perhaps the biggest question mark, how will new rightfielder, Japanese import Kosuke Fukudome, handle the pressure of 100 years of shit that he does not understand all while hearing Ichiro comparisons? Poor bastard doesn't even realize what he got himself into.
If he plays well, the Cubs filled one of their most glaring holes and children everywhere will giggle as their parents buy them a T-shirt bearing his name. If he does not, then he joins Hee-Sop Choi as far-easterners with funny names that have not panned out.
But my guess is that these concerns are merely something for fans to panic about before the season starts and everything goes as planned for the '08 Cubs. A couple of years ago this franchise kind of woke up and realized that they could spend absurd amounts of money and go after any players they wanted. While that has not always worked out for the best (See the aforementioned Marquis, Jason), it has resulted in a lot of key guys (Aramis Ramirez, Derek Lee, Soriano, Carlos Zambrano) being locked into long term deals, all but guaranteeing that it will be years before they are out of the picture in a perennially weak division.
Provided Big-Z doesn't meet his demise in a hot tub, and Soriano doesn't snap his spine while sneezing, and a black cat doesn't stare down D-Lee come September, the Cubs will win the division. Not as easily as some are predicting, but they will win it after being pushed all year by the resurgent Cincinnati Reds and the still incredibly young and talented Brew Crew.
Then comes the hard part: the playoffs. That's where, as generations of Cub fans know, the goat tends to really rear his ugly horns.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY READY FOR BASEBALL
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. You're wondering if this would be more exciting with a bracket
9. The NFL Draft is taking up more of your time, and you've got the Mel Kiper-induced nightmares to prove it
8. Your fantasy league draft prep involved looking at even more porn than usual
7. You'd rather watch Roy Williams cry, John Calipari be arrogant, or Dick Vitale wave his hands around while fluffing a coach
6. You'd rather spend time thinking about the Women's Final 4 than the NL Central
5. You think John Kruk isn't a complete and utter tool
4. Games that count in the standing have been played, and you're still writing freaking season previews
3. You can't imagine going to a game right now, because it's too cold outside
2. Dozens of players are on new teams, and you feel guilty for not committing all of the player moves to memory
1. It's still freaking March
MLB SEASON PREVIEW: LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF RANCHO CUCAMONGA, RIVERTUCKY AND ALL POINTS MAGICAL
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Hey, kids, it's me, your old listy pal and A's fan, here to drop more knowledge on my least favorite team in the division, seeing how they're going to win it yet again. The rest of America has more or less forgotten your Thunderstickly sins against humanity, but I've got a nice long memory for your monkey-poo throwing ways. Let's all give it up for the presumably less rodent and Erstad-infested Angels!
Offense: Boy, they're aggressive -- at the plate, on the basepaths, and up close (Mike Napoli's got the funk; give up the funk). Now buttressed by yet another low OBP guy who thinks he can steal bases (Torii Hunter), they'll swing early, swing often, and put pressure on their pitchers while they think they're putting pressure on the opposition. So long as Vlad's healthy, Howie Kendrick develops, Chone Figgins doesn't crack his wrist again and Hunter gives them a reasonable return on investment, they'll score league average or better in runs... but given how their farm system was supposed to be the be-all and end-all of the world and they spend money, they should (and need to be) much better.
Pitching: The rotation is anchored by the continually improving John Lackey, who has climbed a long slow path up the ranks from Innings Eater to Legitimate Ace. If he takes one more up step, he'll have to get a Cy Young. Kelvim Escobar gives you 150 to 180 very good innings, and breaks just enough along the way to make sure he doesn't go more than that... but recently, there's been word that it could be more than that. That would be trouble if the rest of the division were, you know, trying.
Jered Weaver hasn't progressed since his strong start, and his WHIP and ERA numbers are starting to suffer accordingly. This year is a turning point; more deterioration will cost him a lot of money in the long run. Jon Garland brings his weak stuff and his high WHIP over from Chicago; he'll look better here thanks to better defense and park, as well as weaker in-division oppostion, but don't be fooled -- he's still not very good, and those 18 wins a few years ago shouldn't convince anyone otherwise. The last slot in the rotation is filled cheaply if not well by Joe Saunders and Ervin Santana; Saunders is more reliable and has a ceiling that resembles Sanatana's floor. Santana is a prime bounce-back candidate, but even if that is all there is, they'll still win this division and not give him any chance to hurt them in the playoffs.
For years, the Halos have thrived with a dependable power bullpen, especially with the shutdown late innings of Scott Shields and K-Rod. Last year, Shields celebrated a long-term contract with some short-term ineffectiveness, and given his past workload, that's a real worry. K-Rod is still a top 5 guy or better, and might have even taken it up a notch last year. Scouts are still sure he's going to get hurt one of these days, but one of these days, we're all going to die. Carpe Savem!
Defense: The benefit of all that quasi-speed on the basepaths is a relatively good defensive team, especially if they fit Matthews and Hunter in the same outfield. The infield can get adventurous, as Figgins is more utility player than utility help, and they might miss Orlando Cabrera a little: Erick Aybar isn't really very good. But Napoli's a very solid defender behind the plate, and they all get to enough balls to make the pitchers seem better.
Prediction: 92-70, first place in the AL West.
Friday, March 28, 2008
MLB SEASON PREVIEW: LETTER TO THE BRAVES FANS
by Simon, SimonOnSports
Hey BRAVES Fans,
Hey guys it's your favorite ESPN analysts. Tiny Tim, Starko, Buster, the whole crew. And we're here to tell you guys that the Braves are going to win the division. Why? Because we watched them play and they are super great. So much more super great than the Mets or the Phillies.
So why are they super great? Well they have a super great lineup of super great hitters. First Chipper 'The Hotness' Jones is healthy. Woo healthy Chipper is always better than broken down brittle chipper. Next Big Tex is in a contract year. Yay contract year. Plus he has Boras as an agent so if he blows up this season you just know he's going to get 22 million a year to play for the Yankees. And that would be super great for the Red Sox Yankees rivalry and for ESPN. Next we just can't say enough about Yunel Escobar. He's our main middle infielder man crush of the spring. He's a .300 hitter waiting to happen. They also have Kelly Johnson at the second. He's pretty darn good. And who could forget about the best catcher in the NL B.M.C.C. He's going to have a phenomenal year.
The outfield you may think has question marks, but not us experts. Matt Diaz just needs full time at bats. Mark Kotsay is a better fielder right now than the completely overrated Andruw Jones. And of course Frenchy in rightfield has a laser rocket arm and is going to hit 35 homers this season. Mark it down, we watched him in spring training. He put on muscle.
And if you think the pitching has question marks you are wrong. We watched Mike Hampton in the spring. He's back. He's not going to get injured he's fully healthy. And Tom Glavine is Tome Glavine, good to scratch and claw for 12-15 wins. John Smoltz is healthy, don't you worry about him. And of course Tim Hudson is going to be good. Plus, Bobby Cox just loves their 5th starter Jair Jurrjens who they got in the Renteria trade. They even have Chuck James waiting as the 6th starter, talk about depth.
The Bullpen has question marks but who's doesn't. All you really need to know is that Raf Soriano is going to be a lights out closer this year and the rest the Braves will figure out. Don't you worry.
So at first we all came out thinking we had an original thought when we each individually picked the braves to win the division. But I guess we were wrong. Brilliant baseball minds think a like. The Braves are winning this division, they have the endorsement of baseball tonight.
You're Welcome for the Genius Analysis,
Your Favorite ESPN Baseball Nerds
Thursday, March 27, 2008
MLB SEASON PREVIEW: SCHLITZBURGH PIRATES
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
I read this sentence today -- "the Pirates haven't posted a record above .500 since winning the National League East with a 96-66 mark in 1992 with Barry Bonds in the outfield and Jim Leyland on the bench as manager." Wow. I think we all knew things had been pretty awful for the Pirates the past several years but that shit is downright depressing. Are there any Pirates fans left? If so, are any of them excited about the season? If so, what are they excited about, is Sid Bream coming back?
For starters, both literally and figuratively, the Pirates have a pitcher named Ian Snell. Somehow the name Ian Snell just doesn't seem like it would fly in the city of Pittsburgh, change his name to Rusty Snell and we may have something. Even more interesting, they've signed a pitcher with a name seemingly destined for the Pirates organization in Evan Meek.
Other issues? The Pirates aren't known to empty the vault much but they somehow traded for Matt Morris last year whose making an easy $9 million (that's $412 million in Pirate dollars). They then tried trading him in the offseason and shockingly, no one needed his inspiring services. Depressing. Now they're spinning the Morris thing as him being a 'veteran' for the young guys. Expect exceptional awfulness.
Worse, first baseman and former bag of chips for the Yanks, Josh Phelps, is listed as a 'key loss' from last year. Even worse, Byung-Hyun Kim and Jaret Wright are listed as 'key additions'. Worse than that, Jack Wilson is expected to regain his confidence after the imposing Hall of Fame presence of Cesar Izturis has left via free agency. But worst of all, their catcher's name is Ronny Paulino and he doesn't even have a mustache. Add that to learning recently Freddy Sanchez's status for Opening Day is unknown and yeah, sounds like a party.
The bright side? The biggest key to their lineup, Jason Bay, batted .247 last year. Only in Pittsburgh would this be looked at as a positive, but because of such a miserable year it's possible he'll bounce back and post similar numbers to what he did in 2006 (35Hrs, 109 RBIs). Or he won't and he'll just suck some more.
Expect the latter.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
MLB SEASON PREVIEW: DETROIT TIGERS
by Isaac, The World of Isaac
Biggest Bitch on the Team....
Brandon Inge
His incessant whining in the off-season bothered Tigers fans so much that he has become Public Enemy No. 1. Now with the injury to Curtis Granderson, I fully expect him to lobby for the CF spot the rest of the year.
Most Likely to Gain Freshman 15 Before Memorial Day....
Miguel Cabrera
Hmmm? Signing a multi-million dollar deal before the season starts can only help this prediction.
Best Nickname....
D-Train (Dontrelle Willis)
Person in most need of a haircut...
Magglio Ordonez
Odds the WOI sees another No-Hitter....
ZERO
Once in a lifetime event.
Roid Rage Candidates.....
Gary Sheffield
Pudge Rodriguez
The Strange Joel Zumaya Injury Award goes to....
Joel Zumaya
First, he hurt he tore a tendon in his finger because he played Guitar Hero non-stop. And then he was "moving boxes"(cough cough fell of his ATV) and tore up his shoulder. Hell, at this point I fully expect iJoel to tell the team he wiped his butt too hard and got an anal fissure
Best Player You've Never Heard of
Marcus Thames
Yea, he sucks against right handers and he's like Pedro Cerrano cause he can't hit a curve ball, but man, you put this guy up against a lefty who tries to throw one by him and its out of the park. 44 HRs in two years as a part time player.
Coach most likely to smoke a pack of cigarettes when Todd Jones comes in the 9th inning
Jim Leyland
Odds of seeing a hot chick at Comerica Park
10:1
Considering that this number used to be 1000:1 when this team lost 119 games a few years ago, this is a vast improvement. Oh wait, this was supposed to be a Tigers Preview...my bad.
Inning you get sick of hearing the stupid Singing Hot Dog Guy
3rd
Prediction
With a 93-68 record, the Tigers head into a Sunday Afternoon game against the lowly Tampa Bay Rays needing a win to clinch the AL Wild Card. After building a 12-3 lead, Jim Leyland decides to go to the bullpen and give star pitcher Justin Verlander some rest so he can start him in the second game of the playoffs. He calls on Jason Grilli to relieve him in the 7th inning. With Zumaya on the mend for the season with a torn anal fissure and Fernando Rodney out with a torn labia, Leyland has nobody else to turn to as a set-up man. Grilli proceeds to walk the bases loaded and gives up a Grand Slam to former Tiger Carlos Pena. As Pena rounds the bases, he taunts the Tigers dugout and fans with "You should have kept me assholes".
It was Pena's 20th HR in September but only his 25th of the season. Its what we in Detroit like to refer to as a "Pena".
Still feeling comfortable with a five run lead in the 9th inning, manager Jim Leyland calls on veteran 40 year old closer Todd Jones.
After getting two deep fly outs to center, the Comerica Park fans rise to their feet in anticipation of another playoff berth. But Jones gives up a first pitch double down to the line to BJ Upton. Five batters later and Jones is still looking for that final out as the score now reads 12-11. Jim Leyland walks out to the mound, mumbles something underneath his breath to Jones and returns to the dugout. Shockingly, no one is warming up in the Tiger Bullpen. With a man on second and third and two strikes, Jones tries to throw an 88 mph fastball by Johnny Gomes. Way out in front of it because of the speed, Gomes hits a dribbler to third base. Brandon Inge, who came into as a defensive replacement for Miguel Cabrera charges the ball and throws an ill advised wild throw over 1B Carlos Guillen's head. Two Rays round the bases and the Tigers lose 13-12.
A Tigers fan named Isaac tried to storm the field to assasinate Jones and Inge but was restrained by Paws the Mascot.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
MLB SEASON PREVIEW: BOSORK REDANKS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Let me deliver a small message from the rest of North America to the fine fans of both Coke and Pepsi here...
We Hate You. For good reasons.
You invade our ballparks and rub our noses in our second-class citizenship. Your teams sign away our stars, dominate the airwaves and qualify for the playoffs more or less on Opening Day.
In the worst possible year for either of you, you will win over 90 games and lose in the first round of the playoffs. You will never have a moment where you will lose a great young player that you've developed from your farm system, only to watch them reach the full flower of their abilities somewhere else.
You're playing a different game than the rest of us. One where we get to hear how smart and talented your front offices are, while watching you shrug off turd burger contracts like Kei Igawa and Julio Lugo without batting an eye. You get to treat Japan as more or less your own personal supplemental farm system.
The game sucks. If MLB was a real life card game, you'd be alone at the table with each other. If MLB allows this long enough, you will be, playing each other 162 times a year.
No Carnie wanted to write a preview for either of your teams. Including me.
And the only thing -- indeed, the only proof that God loves us more than he loves you -- is that one of you will lose at the end of the year. (Please God, we've been ever so good. Both this year?)
Now that that's out of the way... specific points about The Similar Of Two Evils after the flip.
Boston
Offensively... ManRam and Ortiz are still scary, but if the latter gets hurt again, the fear goes out ot the lineup pretty quickly... Youkilis has yet to play well for a full year, and at his age, just might not have it in him... Mike Lowell after the contract and his age is likely to give back some numbers... Positives include a full year of a more confident Pedroia, a can't get any worse Lugo and Drew, and Ellsbury could be great. They'll need a replacement for Varitek soon, too. Overall prognosis -- They'll be about 90% of what they were in 2007, which will be fine.
Pitching... If Buchholz is anywhere close to what he could be, they could have three of the top 10 starters in the league with me, Dice and Beckett... Schilling being done makes them a little too dependent on Lester and Wakefield being good, but realistically, they're fine for 4 and 5 starters... Bullpen has to make sure they don't overuse Okajima and Papelbon, or if they do, to get them rested again before the playoffs, like last year... Team has plenty of plus arms in the minors, which could make for some good long relief over the year. Overall prognosis -- Slightly better than last year, with the possibility of some overly dramatic Schilling Guttiness late in the year.
Defense... You can get a quick determination of how much a stat tool a Red Sox fan is if they start telling you about Crisp's 2007... They may be better at the corners then they are up the middle... For a guy who induces more winces than any other LF in MLB, ManRam really doesn't hurt his team that much in left, especially at Fenway... Overall prognosis -- Among the best in the league, and the hidden reason why they've been better than the other the past few years.
Prediction: 98-64, first in the AL East.
New York
Offensively... Lots of patient grinders, but they're getting long in the tooth, with the exception of Cabrera and Cano... They're seriously talking about Giambi playing first, so that they can get Matsui and Damon in there... There's no way that Posada gives them what he did in 2007, and A-Rod as well... ARod could lose 20% of his effectiveness and still be the best offensive 3B in the league... Bobby Abreu can't sleep through the first two months again if he'd like to get another large contract. Overall prognosis -- Could give back a lot from last year, but will still score a ton.
Pitching... The sooner that Wang isn't the ace, the better -- he just doesn't have the strikeout numbers for the job, and when they're matching up against another #1, it's not working out for them... Hughes could be Vintage Dwight Gooden, and he still won't equate what Yankee Fan is expecting of him... Pettitte is pitching with the Mitchell Report cloud over him, and he's also 35 with a weak defense -- not exactly a good prescription for fantasy or real-world success... At some point, Joba Chamberlain has to be treated like a pitcher, rather than a hothouse flower... If Mussina wants to get to 300 wins, he needs to get to the NL immediately... The bullpen won't be the train wreck it was last year, but if Rivera misses time, they don't really have someone to take that gig, especially in Yankee Stadium. Prognosis: Should be better than last year, but that's really not that hard.
Defense... Visibly bad, especially when Giambi and Damon are in there... The easiest way to pick a fight with Yankee Fan is to impugn The Captain's range at short, but it's, um, really not good... Matsui looks better, but by the numbers, Rag Arm Damon is the better choice in left... Yankee Fan has also started to notice how Bobby Abreu isn't exactly, umm, diligent or willing to get near the wall... Prognosis: Cano and Cabrera are good, but there are six other players on the field. At some point, they'll start to realize how much the bad defense is costing them.
Prediction: 96-66, second in the AL, wild-card.
Friday, March 21, 2008
MLB PREVIEW: WHY I'M NOT PICKING THE METS THIS YEAR
by The Sports Diva, TSD Magazine
No. I'm not doing it. I'm just not going to do that to myself again. Besides the fact that I'm not even a Mets fan. Die hard Cincinnati Reds fan here but I'm not crazy to pick them every year. I venture out and choose other teams that actually have a chance and last year the team I picked were the New York Mets. How stupid did I feel at the end of the season? I might as well have stuck with the team I love. We all know what happened. 17 games left and they were up 7 games. Then they were sitting at home like me in October. Just flabbergasted. Will this season be any different?
They did add Johan Santana and Pedro Martinez seems to be back. They still have Carlos Beltran, David Wright, and Carlos Delgado. And I love me some Jose Reyes. But let's take a look at their injured list.
- Moises Alou
- Carlos Delgado
- Orlando Hernandez
- Duaner Sanchez
- Ruben Gotay
- Brian Schneider
- Ramon Castro
If they can get these players back from injury, they should be ok. This team looks great on paper at least and could make another run to the playoffs. But don't ask me. I'm still reeling from last year.
I would like to apologize to the Mets fan for taking my frustrations out on their favorite team. But come on. 7 game lead with 17 games left and you can't get it done? Do me a favor. If you choke this year, try to do it so that the Reds have a chance for a wild card spot at least. I'll forgive you then.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
2008 MLB PREVIEW: CINCINNATI REDS - THE INEVITABILITY OF NEIFI
by Tony Riazzi, Pray for Mojo
When the blackness of night falls on my house, and I'm left with only my thoughts and my rubber sheets to comfort me, I can still hear a disquieting sound in the distance. It starts as a whisper, but steadily amplifies as the March night grows colder. Baseball season is fast approaching, but that's not the issue. That sound I hear is the laughter of Chicago Cubs fans.
For you see, not only has Dusty Baker, their once beloved-now loathed former manager (Remember "In Dusty We Trusty?") found a new job in their division with my team, the Cincinnati Reds, but he's already up to his old tricks.
The Bad:
Dusty has this thing for wasting uniforms on some of his most atrocious former players, usually light hitting middle infielders who are tied to steroids yet don't improve even to the point were they can be classified as "useful" (See Perez, Neifi.)
To wit, two weeks ago the Reds signed Jerry Hairston, Jr., a former Cubs infielder and poor man's Neifi. Jerry Hairy hit .198 last season as a backup in Texas- IN TEXAS! If you cannot hit .250 and 20 home runs in Texas than you're either missing arms or you're Brad Wilkerson.
In that same vein, Baker also has a thing for playing underwhelming veterans because he prefers the illusion of stability they provide over a young guy. Hence the reason he would rather play a guy in center who literally can't hit the ball out of the infield (Norris Hopper) over one of the franchise's top prospects (Jay Bruce) that has hit the shit out of the ball at every level.
One of the Dustbag's reasons for wanting to hold back Bruce, as well as first baseman Joey Votto, is he doesn't want to rush him along and put undue pressure on him the way he feels he did in Chicago with "can't miss" centerfielder Corey Patterson, who shockingly just signed with...wait for it...the Cincinnati Reds. I'm so cold, so cold...
The Good:
However, having voiced all of these concerns, I am still filled with a sense of optimism about the 2008 Cincinnati Reds. The Reds are deeper than they've been in years at key positions. Brandon Phillips dominates. The Harangatang is a bonafide ace and as big a douche as he is, Arroyo is a solid 2. Throw in young arms Johnny Cueto and Edinson Volquez, who are dominating the likes of the Tigers and Yankees starting lineups this spring, and you've got the makings of the Reds first legitimate rotation this decade. Plus, they patched some bullpen holes by putting David Weathers out of his misery and getting a real closer- grossly overpaying for that closer, but getting one nonetheless. Not to mention Ken Griffey, Jr., who is confident he can play somewhere near 90 games this year, and Adam Dunn, who thinks he can cut his total of called third strikes taken into the 150 range.
Now I know what you're saying. Spring training is about optimism- every team feels good about their chances at this time of year. Well, you're wrong. Spring training is about the players getting far away from the wives and families they've consistently spent the better part of 5 months with, meeting up with their cactus/grapefruit mistresses and maybe taking some grounders or fungoes if need be. Also, the Reds recent history is a few steps above Pirate/Royal levels and last time I checked, those teams and their fans are pretty sure the glass is half empty and they'd like to break the glass and use it on their wrists come, oh, around May 1.
Take boom boxes out of the equation and Dusty has a consistent record of getting teams to play together and play well. That's all Reds fans can ask for because that's a complete 180 from what we've grown accustomed to. Is he even the best manager in his own division? Absolutely not, that's close between Sleepy La Russa and the man that delivered the Reds' last World Series title, Lou Piniella. Why they ever let Lou get away is beyond me, but Baker is what Cincy's got now and he's likely the best manager the Reds have had since Trader Jack left in 2000.
As frustrating as his awful in-game management will likely be, Baker was the right hire for THIS franchise, one of baseball's oldest and most storied that has had more managers in the past 10 years (5) than winning seasons (2). For a team that regularly finishes in the bottom half of one of the worst divisions in baseball, just a return to the top half of the division would be enough to send the blood rushing to the fanbase's collective Red Rockets.
Call me crazy, but I see something even better than that. IF (BIG IF) Dusty allows the young guys to play at some point this year prior to September, and IF some of the young pitchers that have looked so good in camp come through and actually give this team some semblance of a major league starting rotation, and IF that doesn't mean they end up having radical reconstructive elbow surgery at some point, then I see this team competeing for the NL Central title. Maybe not taking it, that may still be a year away, but they will give the Cubs a run. And who knows, with a little luck and a little stumble by the Cubs (has that ever happened?), the Reds could arrive a year early a la the Diamondback last year. A man can dream, can't he?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
2008 MLB PREVIEW: LETTER FROM FORMER GIANT BARRY BONDS
by Simon, SimonOnSports
Dear Giant Fans,
Hey, I your pain. You guys have been loyal fans to me and the Giants for a long time and look at how we are being repaid. The Giants refuse to bring me back to the team, and in doing so are saddling you with watching the worst offense in the history of the universe. And it definately sucks for all of us.
To put it simply, the entire Giants lineup in 2008 will have hit less home runs during their career than I have. That's 1 person, me, who is greater than all 8. It would be one thing if the roster consisted of young position players like the Devil Rays but nope, the Giants is mostly constructed of old men. Did you know Ray Durham has hit the most home runs on the entire roster? He hit .211 last year, you know how much it sucks having a guy hitting .211 as your 'protection'. The only other two scchmucks on the team that have over 100 career homers are the old fat catcher, I forgot his name, and Rich. He hit 5 last year. Woo.
Then the rest of the guys I don't know. I mean not likely I was friendly with them. I heard some guy from the Phillies is there to replace me. I think I remember a guy named Dave being on the team. He was small and had no power. Um, someone told me Omar got hurt and he's getting replaced by somebody with the name cock. Or Bocock or something. And there might have been a young kid name Dan who seemed decent actually. He might play first. But he was a rookie last year and I have a strict don't talk to rookies policy.
I guess the pitching could be good. But really does Barry Zito deserve money and I don't? Come on he's not really that good. He sucked last year. Ha, my buddy just told me Barry's got a 17 era so far this March. Ha. The Giants won't be able to score 17 runs in most weeks. Ha and Tiny Tim and Cain both have spring ERAs over 6 as well. That's pretty shitty.
And let's be honest no one in the bullpen was cool enough to talk to. They aren't exactly name players. I was gonna talk to the new closer Brian Wilson, but then I found out he wasn't the lead singer of the beach boys and just some kid named Brian Wilson so I decided against it.
So I've thought out a plan for this season. Just follow with me for a second. So we both like the West Coast. We both think the Giants are going to suck. We both know that the American League is the cooler league. So let's pick a new AL team to like aka one for me to play on. The A's are close by, but come on they're going to stink. So that leaves the Mariners. They could be good this year. No one dislikes the Mariners. Seattle is a fun city. Plus me and Ichiro are pretty damn tight. Look there's two pictures of us together. So you guys should all become Mariner fans and start petitioning their ownership to sign me. You know so you have someone familiar to cheer for. Ok so get to work.
Let's Go Seattle,
Barry
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