by Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
Royal O'Reilly Tenenbaum (1932-2001) Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Remains Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship
Have you heard? The Kansas City Royals suck. Coming off a hot streak of 4 one hundred or more loss seasons in 6 years, Kansas City Royals’ fans are ready to stick a fork in this dead carcass and grill that shit up. If there’s one thing Kansas City knows it the barbecue. Unfortunately, the tailgates are growing thinner and fewer die-hard fans can stand to hang around to watch this team die. Will the Royals continue the stampede and make it another 100+ loss season or will we see a glimmer of hope in 2008? Well, we figured we’d take an inside look with one of our wildly creative approaches: the Kansas City Royals 2008 previews Royal Tenenbaums-style.
Wait a second. Listen. I'm not dying. But I need some time. A month. Maybe two.
OK, maybe it’s not quite time to declare it all a loss just yet. The Royals have been loading up on top draft picks for years (given their perpetually lousy record) and made a few decent moves in recent years. The problem with the Royals is that that don’t really have the payroll to make full-scale big moves, so they make just pretty big deals for shitty players. For example, is Jose Guillen really worth $36 million cajones over three years in right field? Maybe you should add a twelve million dollar per annum starting pitcher? In all seriousness, Guillen brings some much needed power to the lineup, so despite the crazy price tag, he is a great addition.
Other pickups include RHP Yasuhiko Yabuta, C Miguel Olivo, and RHP Brett Tomko. I wouldn’t hold my breath for any big payoffs from any of these guys. The only hope is that youngsters like Alex Gordon (3B), minor league player of the year in 2006 and Billy Butler (OF) start playing big dividends in a hurry. The Royals have some pockets of young talent; they just need some rapid developments to save this franchise from another abysmal season.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.
The losses in the offseason are nothing to really cry about. Reggie Sanders is older than Obi Wan Kenobe, but was a good feisty vet with leadership qualities worth his weight in dentures. A couple losses in the pitching staff will hurt, but not terribly: RHP David Riske and LHP Odalis Perez won’t really be missed too much even though they put in 70 and 130 innings respectively. Riske’s middle relief hole presents the biggest issues. Other than that, the only other losses were DH Mike Sweeney and OF Emil Brown. The addition of Guillen is an upgrade in the outfield, so they came out fine in net terms. All in all, the team looks better on paper than it did a year ago.
Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?
Can Trey Hillman live up to the hype of being a baseball mastermind capable of squeezing all the life out of his lineups like the Juice Man? Hillman has never coached a Major League Baseball team, but exhibited great success in Japan and in the minor leagues for years. Joke as you may, but the Nippon Ham Fighters are a powerhouse in Japanese baseball, which is really saying a lot. He is known to be a fan of fundamentals whereby he emphatically aims to up the team’s on base percentage and make the absolute out of his baserunners.
True blue baseball fans will love watching the Royals this season, as bunts, stolen based, hit and runs, bunt and runs, and walks are all expected to be implemented graciously. This could potentially be the perfect solution to the Royals’ woes, because they can’t compete with the American League big dogs on building the best lineup, so this scrappy approach is the next best thing. Trey Hillman also released a killer Christmas album exhibiting his prowess on guitar.
I know but dammit, I want this family to love me. How much money you got?
Considering the Royals are nowhere to be seen in the high stakes plays at top free agents like Johann Santana, the pitching staff should be decent enough to keep the Royals in most games. Gil Meche showed that he is capable of a handle a lion’s sized workload, pitching over 200 innings in 2007 and finishing out the season with a 3.67 ERA. The 9-13 record leaves a little room for questioning his worth as a #1, but don’t forget this is the Royals and two of those losses came in the last two games of the season where the Royals got shelled and added nearly a point the his ERA. Plus, a 3.67 ERA is good for 15 wins on a lot of AL teams these days.
Bannister actually finished ’07 with a winning record at 12-9 with a 3.87 ERA. Bannister has nice breaking pitches, but doesn’t have a ton of mustard. He’s also a big sabremetrics fan and knows he is lucky to have good results based on his under whelming heat. Greinke is the intimidator of the pitching staff with great power and could be a great starter in the league with a little more run support. The bullpen will be solid, particularly since they were actually decent last year. Tomko and De La Rosa have to prove they are capable of some consistency, but both have a decent pitch repertoire. The 5 spot is still up for the taking as Mike Moroth and reliever John Bale have a shot at winning the job. Joakim Soria, nabbed from the Padres in the Rule 5 draft, is a trusty closer and a definite strong point for the Royals.
The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.
What, that quote isn’t an obvious lead in to talk about the infield? Kansas City’s inflield is chock full of potential, but that’s it at this point. Alex Gordon improved exponentially in 2007, so we could be hitting the sweet spot of his career in 2008. Mark Grudzielanek at second is a trusty average-hitting veteran, .302 hitter over the past five years, who gives the Royals some experience in the infield. Tony Pena at shortstop came over from Atlanta in March and should provide little to nothing at the plate. Last season he had an OBP of .284, hit 2 home runs, and drove in 47. Apparently, he never broke out of the slump, but look out in 2008. At first, the platoon of Ryan Shealy and Ross Gload don’t have much power for first base, but Billy Butler at DH should help add some firepower to the lineup.
Let's shag ass.
When it comes to the flyball-shaggers in the outfield, everything is riding on the big Guillen gamble. Guillen is expected to be the savior to bring some firepower into the lineup given that he has hit at least 23 home runs in his last four full seasons. Joining Guillen in the grass will likely be centerfielder David DeJesus and leftfielder Mark Teahen. These are two more players who have the tools, but haven’t fully developed as of yet. DeJesus is expected to reap the benefits of Hillman’s scrappy offense as he is a speedy make-the-most-of-a-wimpy-bat leadoff kinda guy. Teahan is a crappy slugger who strikes out a lot; a Royals trademark. The outfield could use an upgrade.
I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.
The fact of the matter remains that without a breakthrough turnaround like the Tigers pulled off two seasons ago, the Royals’ fans are gonna lose it. This level of terrible is not tolerable. I think in my days as a Detroit fan, I have renounced my fanhood on at least three occasions. I can only imagine life as a Royals fan. They haven’t had a winning season since 2003 and prior to that, we’re going back to the mid 90s. Somebody call Brett Saberhagen, get these guys some pine tar, something… It’s a matter of sanity at this point.
That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?
If I was a betting man, which I am, I would look for Kansas City to improve, maybe winning 75 games and sneaking into a 4 place finish in the AL Central. The young prospects and Trey Hillman are the wildcards that will determine what we see in Kansas City in 2008, but don’t expect Rome. Nevertheless, they will be a better baseball team that causes some trouble for the Tigers and Indians from time to time. I would be lying if I said I don’t plan on hitting some high yielding money lines with the Royals in 2008.
Monday, March 10, 2008
2008 MLB PREVIEW: KANSAS CITY ROYALS
Sunday, January 20, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: THE GAME PLAN
by DCScrap, Editor
I was asked to review the movie "The Game Plan." Now I am no movie critic, but I can tell you what I like and don't like with the best of them. I do it every day here. And I can say that I liked "The Game Plan." The DVD of the movie hits stores on January 22 and if you have kids this is one they will probably enjoy.
The movie is about a egomanical, self-centered professional quarterback who is presented with having to care for a daughter that he didn't know even existed for eight years, all right before the playoffs are about to begin. It's focuses on how his life changes, how his priorities change for the better and how even the most narcissistic of people can learn what life is really all about.
Once you get past the first half of the movie, which is riddled with the type of cliches you see in many kids and sports movies, the plot finally develops and turns into a movie that families will enjoy watching together. That said, kids will probably enjoy it from the get-go, but the second half of the movie is where adults will get their satisfaction. The film made me smile (quite a bit actually) and amazingly it even made me tear up a little (but that may have more to do with my having a little girl of my own than anything else).
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is the star of the movie (although that's debatable), playing superstar QB Joe Kingman. Playing an arrogant athlete is nothing new to "The Rock" as that is what he did for years with the WWE. Despite that, The Rock seems to struggle through the first half of the movie before finally seeming comfortable in a role that despite the similarities to his wrestling persona is really unlike any he has had before. The good news is that by the end of the movie he seems to have truly gotten the essence of the role and makes you forget his early struggles.
Madison Pettis is the real star of the movie playing Joe Kingman's 8-year old daughter, Peyton. She is cute, funny, genuine and was far and away the best part of the movie. She is precocious without being too much so and plays extremely well off of The Rock's character.
Kyra Sedgwick plays Joe's typical greedy agent. I was not a big fan of her in this role. It seemed ill-suited to her and frankly she annoyed me more than entertained me.
Roselyn Sanchez plays the drop-dead gorgeous ballet teacher that helps transform Joe from the cock of the walk to a loving, caring father. She does a nice job of playing her part and does nothing but enhance the production.
Overall I would give this movie 2-1/2 stars, but if you are planning on watching this with your kids, bump the rating up to 3 stars.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
UNSTOPPABLE
by BD, Staff Writer
Thats about the best way to describe Judd Apatow and his crew. They've just released Dewey Cox, and though I haven't seen it I've heard mostly good things so far. This is after a summer in which they dropped Knocked Up and Superbad on us. Two of the best comedies I've ever seen. Now they've released the trailer for their next flick. This one features Kristin Bell, which is reason enough to expect this to be just as good as the others. Check out the trailer after the jump ... you won't be disappointed.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
HOOPS GONE HOLLYWOOD
by Jordi Scrubbings, The Serious Tip
For those who don't know already, I've also been peddling my wares and talking some hoops over at YaySports!. Throughout the year, the blogmaster of YaySports!, the Cavalier, has had both myself and fellow Epic Carnival mastermind Jack Cobra cameo while he completes the mother of all blogger-created basketball-themed movies, Who Shot Mamba? Tentatively scheduled for release in 2008, Who Shot Mamba? will tell the tale of the mysterious Mamba, who may or may not have been mysteriously murdered. Such details are mysterious indeed.
In eager anticipation of this momentous event, I've scoured the annals of cinema to put forth the ultimate competition: a team of actors attempting to be basketball stars versus a team of basketball stars attempting to be actors.
I'll admit this isn't an inclusive list, but these are the best all-round teams I could think of.
(Not included: Carmelo Anthony in the award-winning "Stop Snitchin'".)
(Additional note: only one pick per movie. That was my rule.)
The Hollywood Hoopsters
PG - Calvin Cambridge (Like Mike) - Not too many actors like passing the rock, so by default Cambridge gets the call here.
SG - Scott Howard (Teen Wolf) - As a human, Howard was a mild-mannered pass-first, defensive-minded fundamental average white-guy guard. But as the wolf, Howard turned into an elusive scorer with a wicked first step.
SF - Jimmy Chitwood (Hoosiers) - One of the best pure shooters in basketball history, Chitwood was money from outside.
PF - Juwanna Mann (Juwanna Mann) - A tough position to fill. Not too many Hollywood stars willing to attack the boards and get garbage points.
C - Elliot Richards (Bedazzled) - The man broke Wilt Chamberlain's scoring record, had a quintuple-double, and played like a giant. Too bad he had the IQ of a door mouse.
Their opponents: the B-Movie Ballers
PG - Penny Hardaway (Blue Chips) - The movie that made Penny Hardaway an Orlando Magic guard. Not a bad NBA career, but never made another film. And for that we can thankful.
SG - Ray Allen (He Got Game) - I'll admit, I am like the only person in the world who hasn't seen this. But I heard it's one of the better actor-baller roles in movie history.
SF - Michael Jordan (Space Jam) - Before he swatting Kevin Bacon and sharing his drawers with Cuba Gooding, Michael Jordan used to be a pretty good basketball player. Yeah, he is out of position here, but I couldn't leave Ray Allen off the roster.
PF - Dennis Rodman (Double Team) - In the rare basketball star in a non-basketball movie, Rodman kicks rear with the great Jean Claude Van Damme, not giving a van damme what David Stern thinks. And matches up well with opposing drag queen Juwanna Mann.
C - Shaquille O'Neal (Steele) - Sure Kazaam was a better movie, but I liked Steele, in a leave your brain at the concession stand and watch Shaq fight crime sort of way.
So who wins this epic battle of the silver screen? I'd favor the real athletes, but you can never underestimate the magic of Hollywood.
Monday, December 3, 2007
THROWING KNIVES: IT'S THE MONEY THAT COUNTS
by BD, Staff Writer
I'm not sure I could be anymore annoyed by this whole BCS situation. Everybody I run into has a different opinion. From my boss to that guy who changes my oil. Everybody finds it necessary to let me know how they feel. Making it clear once again just how controversial the Title game match up is once again. Last year it was the whole Michigan/Florida thing (they play this year, interestingly). This year, it boils down to one question... Do you have to win your conference to play for the National Title?
Part of me wants to say no, if for no other reason, than to take the anti-BCS position. But at the same time it's hard to imagine a National Champion without a conference championship preceding it. Thus it's almost impossible to argue with the match up we have before us: LSU vs. OSU, despite just how boring it might be. This one could be even tougher to watch for Big Ten fans than last year's title game was. It's a truly beautiful thing for an SEC fan like myself.
Now that I've placed myself in the camp I'd prefer to stay out of, I'm going to jump right back out. I say that because when I send in my final EC ballot I'll be placing Hawaii and Ohio State atop my rankings. Not because I think they're the best two teams (neither belongs), but because at this point what fucking difference does it make? The running joke that the greedy BCS conferences have going on these kids who take the field every Saturday makes me sick. It's truly unfortunate for those guys. Knowing that unless they run the table, playing mistake free football, from the first snap until the last they're going nowhere. And for what reason? It's not the academic bullshit they keep trying to feed us. It's for money, something they'd make far more of if they would just put together a playoff already.
As far as who the best two team are? Who the hell knows, but I'll toss my hat into the Oklahoma-LSU boat because USC lost to Stanford at home. Otherwise, it's probably the Trojans and LSU, the two we thought it would be when this season kicked off.
This Weekend In Sports....
Wow, The Dolphins Are By Far The NFL's Worst
They were destroyed by the 2nd worst Jets 40-13.
AP Is A-OK
He racked up 116 and 2 TD's as his team routed the Lions 42-10.
Still Kings Of The South
The Colts remains the unquestioned best in the AFC South as they knock off the Jags 28-24.
Better Without Durant?
Texas goes into Pauley and knocks off the Bruins 63-61.
Not So Bad?
Arizona finally puts together two full halves in knocking off the #9 Aggies 78-67.
Down Goes Duncan
It's didn't matter much though as the Spurs roll over the Blazers 100-79.
Down Go 1-2...
Missouri and West Virginia both lose on Saturday.
Weekend Box Office Top 5
1. Enchanted - No Thanks...
2. This Christmas - I'll pass.
3. Beowulf - Still not really interested in anything outside the effects.
4. Awake - 6 Mill? That's it?
5. Hitman - Heard this one went way downhill when they had to tone down the violence.
Monday, November 26, 2007
THROWING KNIVES: ABOUT AS BAD AS IT CAN GET...
by BD, Staff Writer
College football is nearing the end of arguably it's most shocking, fun to watch, dare-I-say greatest season of my lifetime. Hell, probably ever. Yet, we're likely to be watching a mediocre finish if Oklahoma can repeat what they did a few weeks back and topple Missouri this weekend. That's right folks, Ohio State-West Virginia, which, outside of maybe Hawaii-OSU, is the worst case scenario for this viewer. That's partially due to Ohio State's underwhelming resume. A resume trailing that of Kansas is fraudulence. I'd like to shit all over WVU's resume as well, but with wins over Cincinnati, Rutgers, and UConn it looks a hell of a lot better than OSU's.
If this game happens, and that's only a small if, we could be looking at two scenarios in my eyes. Either WVU's offense overwhelms OSU's defense ala Florida and a shadow of embarrassment is cast over Columbus for the second consecutive year. Or, as the likely underdog, OSU rallies the troops and their defense shuts down Pat White and Co. like South Florida did earlier this season. While the second game would be fun to watch, I'd certainly prefer Mizzou knocked off Oklahoma this weekend, as a WVU-Mizzou game could be a lot of fun to watch. Either scenario looks good for WVU as I think their D would be the difference against the Tigers.
Now I don't think that WVU and Mizzou are the best two teams in college football, but I'm willing to buy them as the most deserving duo if the Tigers can win the Big 12 and avenge their only loss, if for no other reason than the 1 in the the loss column each team sports. But looking back on this season, from App. State to Stanford, it's hard to imagine this is the way we're going to end it, but as long as the BCS is in place, this is how we'll be ending every regular season. With only the teams who survived their season getting an opportunity to end it on top.
Like I said Mizzou-WVU is fine, not a playoff system, but it's fine. OSU-WVU? Not so much. As I'm not sure the Buckeyes could hang with any of the truly top tier teams in the country. So this weekend as you settle in to watch the Big 12 title game, root for Chase Daniel and the Tigers. As a Tiger win is about as close as we're going to get to a legitimate title game this year. It's a sad system people. Especially if your the one strapping on the pads every Saturday while your President is cashing checks.
Yesterday In Sports...
The Pats Looked Human
As they narrowly beat the Eagles 31-28.
USC Basketball Coming Together?
Looks like it as the Trojans throttled #19 So. Illinois 70-45.
The Titans Miss Albert
The Bengals were the latest to slice up their D for a 35-6 W.
They're Still The Cardinals
The worst offense in the league, by far, scored 37. Though it was the Niners D who won it on a Kurt Warner fumble (in the endzone) in OT.
Jags, Garrard, Look Ready For Colts
In blasting Buffalo 36-14.
Weekend Box Office Top 5
1. Enchanted
2. This Christmas
3. Beowulf
4. Hitman
5. Bee Movie
Hitman is the only movie on this list I have any interest in seeing. Though I'm curious to see just how good Beowulf looks.
Monday, November 19, 2007
MATCH.COM MONDAYS: RANDY FLOYD
by Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
As we make our way through this world, we're all trying to do one thing... procreate. But sometimes, it's hard to find a partner who shares the same interests as you do. I'm all about love baby, so I'll be promoting the Match.com profiles of our favorite athletes/commentators/journalists. You never know, you the reader might find the love of your life!
This Week's Featured Profile: Randy Floyd
Display Name: F*ck_Rebel_Gray
Status: Online now!
* age: 18.
* seeking: Heady Rasta Sister
Relationships: Single
Have kids: None
Ethnicity: White
Body type: skinny and undersized for a QB, but has flowing locks to compensate
Height: 5'11"
Religion: uncertain. Life is currently in a state of flux. The smart money is on Rastafarianism, Buddhism, or Nihilism.
Smoke: Do cats like lasagna?
Drink: Yep, preferably at the Moontower.
My Job:
High school student, returning letterman, and star QB for the Rebels. I think I am going to join a band though and hang up the cleats. I don't want to sign coach's stupid form. It's total bullshit, that form. I mean if we want to chase the muff around and get a buzz on in our free time, that is none of coach's god damn business. What I do on the field is his business, beyond that; I don't need this George Orwell bullshit. Fuck it, let's go get those Aerosmith tickets.
Favorite Hot Spots:
I dig hanging out of the rec center and playing Foos with guys. We cruise around a lot and listen to good tunes a lot. Been listening to that new song, Low Rider, a lot lately. That sets a real chill mood. We also hang out at the Moontower a lot. Moontower parties are the best. We toss a keg out in woods, crank up Benny's stereo and get down.
For Fun:
I like sitting in Pickford's sphere shaped chair and taking bong hits. I also enjoy joint committee meeting at the 50 yard line. That's where me and the guys get real blown out and just chill out on the football field. Fun times out there for sure.
Favorite Things:
I dig my ride. Even though Wooderson think his car is the best in school, mine is totally chill. I get real mellow in my ride. It's the one place I can really clear my head (and also cloud it way up if you catch my drift). I also like taking out freshman dudes and getting them laid by real mediocre chicks.
Last Read:
The Dharma Bums, by Jack Kerouac
About Me and Who I'm Looking For:
I don't really know anymore. I just need to get outta here man. The seventies are so lame. The sixties, the sixties were hip. Don't get me wrong, I get a ton of ass - good ass too. I just want to bolt on this whole scene: the teachers, the coaches, the fans, the chicks. They are all like, "Randy Floyd this, Randy Floyd that." Eff em all man. I'm going on Dead tour and I need a kind sister to be my right hand (in more ways than one ;) ).
THROWING KNIVES: MIGHT WANT TO GIVE UP HOPE ON THAT SUPER BOWL
by BD, Staff Writer
(I'll be out Wednesday and Thursday again this week due to the holiday, but I'll be back Friday and after the Packers kill the Lions there's a good chance I'll be writing about that. )
It's always great when everything we think we know is completely shit on. Something that tends to happen on a regular basis in the National Football League. It's one of the things that makes this stuff fantastic. Just last week everyone was piling onto the Steelers bandwagon, (something I consider unnecessary as the Patriots have already won the Super Bowl). The Saints who everyone thought were resurrected before they were throttled by St. Louis last week were throttled once again. This time by a Houston team that would have a far better record if their best two offensive players could stay on the field. Then you have the Giants, who won yesterday, but wow was it tough to watch. I'd have rather watched Rob Parker fist himself (that's a lie).
The Steelers loss is by far the most surprising, but it also isn't. Despite their success this season the Steelers had dropped road games to Arizona and Denver, who are both pretty bad. Sure the Cardinals appear to be turning it around now, but they wouldn't have beaten Appalachian State earlier this season. While to a degree I'd say road hiccups are bound to happen, it shouldn't happen to legitimate playoff contenders. Especially not after the Pats left Buffalo looking like Hiroshima. Not a chance. Willie Parker managed just 52 yards on 21 carries for a brutal 2.5 per carry average against the league's worst ranked rush defense. Big Ben was sacked seven times... SEVEN! This by a defense that couldn't have stopped Mike Greenberg in their first nine games. For an alleged contender, it was truly "below the line of what is acceptable" as Mike Tomlin might put it. What happened yesterday was the official end to the Steelers season regardless of how they finish.
The Saints flat-out cannot stop the pass. They just can't, they're allergic. Thus every week when filling out my pool sheet I take the opposing team if they have a solid QB and star caliber WR, such as Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson. Johnson, who finally returned this week after missing the last seven games, made Jason David look like David Silver. Something every decent WR has been able to do this season. I think the Bucs hold on in the South and the Saints window has officially closed.
Now the Giants are an interesting situation because they did win their game and that is what you play for, right Herm? But they couldn't have looked worse doing it. If the Lions hadn't somehow managed to play even worse they'd have beaten the Giants. But it's the Lions and as a fan I got what I expected from them yesterday. However, I expected the Giants to manhandle the overrated Lions squad and their Saints like pass defense. Yet they didn't. Not even close.
Even worse they only sacked Jon Kitna three times. A number I thought could reach double digits heading into the game given Detroit's horrendous pass protection and Kitna's affinity for holding onto the ball. Granted, Kiwanuka broke his leg, but where was Osi yesterday? He didn't even record a tackle. To top it off Brandon Jacobs got hurt again and he officially hates artificial turf.
It was a humbling week for a number of teams, while the Patriots and Cowboys (mostly Patriots) keep rolling along toward their Super Bowl rematch. It was nice to watch and another reminder of why we love this league.
This Weekend In Sports...
Oklahoma May Have Ruined My Life
If WVU gets into the title game because of this loss I'm going to be pissed, 34-27.
Too Easy In Ann Arbor
Ohio State wins again 14-3. Lloyd Carr retires.
BC Still Kicking.. Well, That And Clemson Didn't Want To Win
The Eagles went into Death Valley and knocked off the Tigers 20-17.
It's Fun Watching LT's Frustration... Be Even Better If He'd Blame Norv
The Chargers lose again in Jacksonville 24-17.
Hiro-Buffalo!
Pats Win Again 56-10.
The Freeney Injury Is Going To Hurt.. As Is The Lack Of A Kicker
Colts survive the Chiefs at RCA 13-10.
This Is The DJ Hacket We Were Expecting Pre-Injury
9 catches for 136 yards and a a TD. His second-straight 100-yard game as the Seahawks knock off the Bears 30-23.
No Good.. Wait, No, It's Good!
The ball bounces the Browns way 33-30 in OT.
The Celtics Lost!
To Orlando as Paul Pierce fired up a ridiculous final shot.
Weekend Box Office Top 5
1. Beowulf - I. Don't. Get. It.
2. Bee Movie - [Redacted]
3. American Gangster - Finally saw this and it's certainly worth the three hours. One of the best movies this year.
4. Fred Claus - You figure there's a chance he shoots Santa in a jealous rage at the end?
5. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium - Natalie Portman's hot, but not that hot.
Friday, November 16, 2007
THROWING KNIVES: UGH...
by BD, Staff Writer
At some point, I'd like to think I'm going to be able to write this here 'column' without mentioning federal indictments, trials, arraignments and all of those other things that have absolutely nothing to do with actual athletic competition. Things I wouldn't be mentioning if I were discussing the loss of Oregon's title hopes, and maybe Dennis Dixon's Heisman hopes last night as well. Hell, as much as I'm sure A-Rod would enjoy prison, I wouldn't be mentioning it alongside what looks like his new contract. Scott Boras-free. Now onto the annoying reality that is Barry Bonds federal indictment for perjury and obstruction of justice for lying about knowingly using performance-enhancing drugs.
First of all, the timing, why now? Then again it's another day another athlete's trial at this point isn't it? Did Barry's number just finally come up? Because that's almost what I'd like to think as Greg Anderson apparently didn't flip on Barroid. And it's hard to believe the grand jury suddenly obtained new evidence over the last few months since extending their investigation. Or did they have it then, yet held back so they wouldn't disrupt the MLB season, essentially allowing him to break a record many of us wish he hadn't?
Then you have Bonds' career. Does this officially end it? You'd have to say so, the baggage already just about outweighed the worth when you factored in the type of money Bonds commands. Now double that weight, and imagine the public relations hit you'd be looking at if you inked Bonds to a deal and it's hard to imagine Barry Bonds wearing even an over-40 softball league jersey.
The most interesting part of this to me is the impact it could have on the record books, should Bud Selig decide to go that route anyhow. After watching Marion Jones hand back her medals and be stricken from the record book, I have to ask, why not Bonds? He's apparently failed a steroid test at some point. That's all the evidence needed. But at the same time if you remove Bonds or even go the asterisk route you must do the same to other proven cheaters. In other words, Palmerio didn't collect 3,00 hits and 500+ home runs. As far as baseball is concerned he never existed. That's not all though, what about those who haven't been and will never be caught? It is because of those players that simply removing the offenders from the books becomes a truly difficult task. Add to that the existence of HGH, a substance that MLB still cannot test it's player for. Something many are taking on a day-to-day basis now and will continue to do so.
For those who want to ban Barry from baseball ala Pete Rose, put down your pitchforks and go back to your barns. This situation is far less cut-n-dry as Rose's was. Their weren't 15 other managers betting on baseball. There are and were hundreds of players using steroids/HGH throughout the game, which makes me wonder if what Barry was doing simply leveled the playing field when a juice infused pitcher took the mound? Obviously that would have been true far less often than it was, but if steroid use was as widespread as many of us believe it was than banning Bonds and only Bonds wouldn't be the right decision. No matter how much of an unlikeable asshole he is.
The final issue here come from Steve Phillips who, in all of his wisdom (HA!), decided to let us know that this indictment "shatters [Bonds] legacy." As if Bonds' legacy wasn't already as clouded as my memory the morning following my 21st birthday. Just another example of superb analysis from the guy who traded Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano.
All in all, it's a weird and extremely tough situation for the sport of baseball. Not that we didn't already believe Bonds had lied, but now that he's been indicted and it almost certain to be convicted, it puts Bud Selig in the position he was hoping to avoid. The position to make a decision once and for all on those who've been caught and will be caught juicing. It's time to set a precedent Bud, whether you want to or not.
This Week In Media
This Week In Media will be a weekly feature within Throwing Knives in which I'll get you caught up on the big DVD and Video Game releases this week as well the movies that are opening at a Multiplex near you. Starting next week it will be airing on Tuesday or Wednesday mornings. All links are to reviews.
DVD: Oceans Thirteen and Shrek The Third.
Video Games (PS3/360 Only): Assassins Creed (Both), Blacksite: Area 51 (360), Kane & Lynch: Dead Men (Both), Need For Speed: Pro Street (Both), Uncharted: Drake's Fortune (PS3), WWE Smackdown! vs. Raw 2008 (Both).
Movie Openings: Beowulf (No...), Southland Tales (Trailer= good, Reviews= bad), Redacted (Limited Release), and Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (Natalie Portman is about all that looks good here).
Yesterday In Sports...
When Dixon Went Down So Did Oregon's Season
As they became the 5th #2 ranked team to fall last night in Arizona 34-24.
JET and Manu Battled for 6th Man Supremacy
But JET and the Mavs won in Dallas 105-92.
Guess Who's 1-6...The Bulls
As they were outrun and gunned in Phoenix 112-102.
It Wasn't Pretty But....
Memphis got the job done at the Garden, knocking off Oklahoma 63-53.
Georgetown Looks To Be Living Up To The Hype So Far
As they ran through Michigan 74-52 at home.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
THROWING KNIVES: WE GOT WHAT WE WANTED
by BD, Staff Writer
(Programming note: TK will not be seen tomorrow and Thursday remains up in the air at this time. Expect me back on Friday for sure, though.)
We Got What We Wanted....
Or did we? With LSU and Oregon atop the BCS Standings it appears the majority will get the game they wanted. Just two weeks ago many of us hated the idea that BC and Ohio State would be playing for the National Title. Now we have two teams that are considered to belong. One problem though: Kansas. Who could potentially jump Oregon is they can run the table. Which would include wins over Missouri and Oklahoma. Others may argue for Hawaii, but having seen them play a couple of times I don't even think they belong in a BCS game.
I'd like to bash the BCS and toss out ideas to improve the end of the College Football season, but that'd be a waste of text. We all know the system isn't changing anytime soon. Because money is more important to these schools than crowning an undisputed champion.
I ask you though, is Oregon-LSU the game you want?
For me, the answer to that question is no. Even as an SEC fan I have no interest in seeing LSU in that game. As I think a Kansas-Oregon match up would be far more exciting to watch. Though it's not going to happen as I just don't see Kansas knocking off both Mizzou and Oklahoma. Though if they do, I'll rank them #1 without a second thought.
I could get the game I want though if Kansas pulls off the unexpected and runs the table. As I think LSU will fall at the hands of Georgia, should the Bulldogs continue to play as they have, and reach the SEC Title game. Which would take a Tennessee loss as they beat the Bulldogs earlier this season.
Another reason I'd like to see Oregon play Kansas? It shits all over pre-season rankings. Neither team was ranked coming into the season.
So I ask again, who do you want to see play for the National Title this year? And why? Given the complete clusterfuck that the season has become with no clear-cut deserving squads (Outside of Kansas should they go undefeated).
Marbury Out In NYC?
Their saying this morning that the Knicks are considering either trading, or buying out Stephon Marbury. A buy out is probably what Steph would prefer and it has me wondering where he might fit if it happens.
Assuming he's willing to take little money after he's received his buy-out I'd have to think Boston, Houston, Cleveland, Miami, and the Lakers should all be considered. Boston is the most intriguing to me as KG's there and when in Minnesota was the only time anyone got Marbury to buy into playing second fiddle to someone else.
49ers NFL's Most Disappointing Team?
They just might be. Many considered them a contender to win the division, but with Norv Turner coaching in San Diego Alex Smith has fallen apart. Smith's play as also resulted in team's stacking the box and shutting down Frank Gore. Last night's drubbing in Seattle was San Fran's seventh straight loss. They're probably not the league's most disappoint team with Cincinnati, Baltimore, St. Louis, Denver, and San Diego playing as they are, but they're still pretty disappointing.
Yesterday In Sports...
'Melo's Team Continues To Own LeBron's
The Nuggets cruised to a 122-100 win in Denver.
Give The Ball To Chris Paul
CP3 made a nice mid-air adjustment to hit the game-winner in New Jersey last night with 2.6 left on the clock.
Another Boring Monday Night Game
Seattle easily knocked off San Francisco 24-0.
Eric Gordon, Best Freshman?
He lead his team to a 99-79 win over Chattanooga with 33 points in his debut.
Weekend Box Office Top 5
1. Bee Movie - More proof kid's movies are where the money's at.
2. American Gangster - Still haven't had time to see it, but I will soon.
3. Fred Claus - No interest.
4. Lions for Lambs - Tom Cruise playing a Senator? The shoes fits.
5. Dan in Real Life - May be too much of a family flick to bother watching it.
Monday, November 12, 2007
4TH ESTATE GRAFITTI: REN'S TEN
by Ren McCormack, Hugging Harold Reynolds
Some times, the 4th Estate can just crap on the MSM without scribbling all over it's published work.
One of our more popular posts at HHR was Ariel's top unrealistic sports-related themes in movies and television.
Conversation with Fat Willard had me thinking of something along those lines. So, to share with our new EC readers three of our favorite HHR segments - Ariel's pop culture prowess, the chief's knack for all that is wrong with those who make cash entertaining us, and Ren's Ten (ten items from a loosely related sports theme), the staff at HHR presents:
Actors who had no business playing the athlete roles they were cast in.
Let's address the obvious right away. Daniel E. 'Rudy' Ruettiger is listed at being 5'7". Sean "Lynn McGill" Astin is 5'6". Plus, [insert Notre Dame football joke here] the way the Irish are playing right now, a little-ball-of-go like Astin might be what the squad needs. Rudy, is not on this list.
Tom Cruise, All the Right Moves.
Don't get me wrong...helluva movie. But let's keep it real. At 5'7" with lifts and his Caucasian heritage, are you going to really try to sell me on Tom Cruise being a top college recruit vying for a scholarship? At d-back? At least they made up for it with realism in other casting with Craig T. Nelson as the obligatory evil high school football coach, Leah Thompson as the obligatory 80's high school sweetheart and the original Fat Willard, Chris Penn as the obligatory high school jock knocking up his main squeeze.
Pool hustler, fighter pilot, race car driver, I'm buying. Not this.
Stefen "Stef" Djordjevic
Scott Caan, Varsity Blues.
Dude's 5'4". He's the go-to-receiver from 37-year-old high school quarterback Dawson "Mox" Leary? Good actor, but stick with a drunken 5'4" bar fighter like in under-rated Dallas 362.
(It should be noted that in consulting with the HHR staff, many came to Tweeter's defense, citing his all-around toughness, and as the Rev. put it, "Especially considering he was playing through with multiple VD’s.")
Craig Sheffer, The Program
Here's a movie that my high school team would watch to get all jacked up before games (really). We would utter lines about knocking the snot bubbles out of our opponents, rounding up the doggies and one ahole on our team actually tried the laying on the yellow lines in the middle of a road bit (I guess the distributer had a point when they had that scene pulled from the movie after it was released). Not a bad casting job all around. Lats was fantastic, as was Mack. I am guessing that Wesley Snipes was unavailable, so the part of Darnell Jefferson went to Omar Epps. However, their field general/Heisman hopeful part went to 33-year-old Craig Sheffer. At that age, Vincenzo Testaverde had already been on 17 pro teams. Let's just say Kane was not able.
Son, you're older than I am.
Ray Allen, He Got Game
Here's another case where the movie was good. But could you not find a better actor to line up opposite one of the best (albeit he plays himself in every film) actors of our generation in Denzel Washington besides Ray Allen? I mean sure, Jesus Shuttleworth (best movie name) - A for effort - but his acting was simply horrendous, and this is only magnified when you got him on screen with someone like Washington.
Jesuschristman! I can't work with you amateurs.
Matthew Modine, Vision Quest
Ok, you get to choose to believe one of these.
1) Matthew Modine is a champion high school wrestler
2) Matthew Modine can score with Linda Fiorentino
That's a trick question, you can't believe either. But not only does he wrestle, and get the hot older babe, he beats the neandethal Kuch an undefeated Drago-like monster who could pound him into chutney. He should stick to playing Doctors in sports movies (Any Given Sunday).
(Side note- Look up Vision Quest on IMDB. Under Plot Keywords the first phrase is "Male Nudity". Whhhaaaaa???)
Bill Bellamy, Any Given Sunday
At least Steamin' Willie Beaman's Jaime Foxx was a legitimate high school QB. Now, I have no knowledge as to Bellamy's athletic history, but what the hell - was Todd Pinkston not available? Bad enough you have a 70 year old LT playing the defensive leader of your squad.
Ken "Wiseguy" Wahl, The Wanderers
Yeah I know, not a sports movie. So how do gangs agree to settle disputes with pressure from local mafioso big wigs on a football field in the climactic ending? The gangs just happen to have some neighborhood teams they toss together, including some killer cheerleaders on the Del Bombers' sideline. This movie was so ridiculous that I loved it. But what an unathletic bunch, lead by Wahl.
Not taking anything away from Perkins, because he is a fine actor. But he is terrible at pretending to be a ballplayer. Check the clip for Perkins 'swing' and his sprint around the bases.
Another reason people discredit Perkins in the role is because...well...I'll let Jimmy himself explain that one...
He seems like his head is on straight these days though.
Adam Sandler, The Longest Yard (2005)
The original is a favorite of mine. Like many, I feel this movie should have never been remade. Worse than that, how do you replace an icon of masculinity like Burt Reynolds with an icon of lunacy and baby-talk like the Excited Southerner? Hibbity, hibbity hoo.
Photo: trendhunter.com / Direct TV
It's hard discussing this movie because in my mind it doesn't exist. But if it did, this is how it went down:
Studio Exec 1- "What's hot right now?"
Studio Exec 2- "Wresting is pretty hot. Let's try and make some money off the idiot imbreds that think its real."
Studio Exec 1- "Sounds good. What do we do?"
Studio Exec 2- Wellllll, it seems simple from what I have seen. The champ gets screwed by the promoter and another guy who wants to be champ. He gets mad and retires...better yet...goes into hiding he is so embarrassed.
Studio Exec 1- Wait, why would he hide, it's wrestling, it all fixed. He doesn't really lose anything.
Studio Exec 2- I know...but it doesn't matter...Anyway, he goes and hides and these two loveable wrestling fan idiots find him and make him comeback to retain his title.
Studio Exec 1- That is easily the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I love it. Who could we get to play the loveable losers.
Studio Exec 2- Hmmmm....How about David Arquette?
Studio Exec 1- LOVE IT!!! Who else?
Studio Exec 2- Hmmmmm.....Scott Caan?
Studio Exec 1- Jimmy Caan's kid? Isn't he like 5'1? I can maybe see him as a WR or maybe a....
Studio Exec 2- Trust me, the kids love him. And I got the perfect guy for the Champ. This guy is 100% man. He is a great actor. He looks like an adonis. Chiseled from stone. Catches lighting in a bottle. You see this guy, you think "championship wrestler"
Studio Exec 1- "Tell me, Tell me...christ you got me all moist."
Studio Exec 2- "Oliver Platt."
Friday, November 9, 2007
THE MAIN ATTRACTION: THE DE NIRO/PACINO SCHOOL OF SPORTS MATCHMAKING
by Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict
Back in the day, the boys and I used to argue over nonsense all the time. All the time. Many of those arguments were "who's better" ones. The most frequent of that variety?
Who's the better actor: Al Pacino or Robert De Niro?
Seriously, in our inner circle that debate took place about as often as "Bird, Magic or Mike?" It was typically more heated as well.
(For the record, I've always been a De Niro guy. His versatility gives him a slight edge over Captain Hoo-Ha.)
We were teenagers -- obsessed with the gangster-flick genre and its two biggest stars. We cut up the crown jewel of the genre, The Godfather Part II, way more than anyone should discuss anything. We all felt that Francis Ford Coppola's masterpiece was the perfect movie. Still, there was something we wished we could have seen. We longed to see De Ni
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