FEELIN' THE BURN

by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer

In the days before the Intraweb existed to provide smut beyond what even the most depraved and debauched mind could conceive (Those links are possibly NSFW. I wouldn't recommend clicking on them at all if you hope to maintain your self-respect. Or if you're ever planning to eat again.) we had to work harder to find stroke material. I turned to the network that provided so much of my entertainment in those days. I turned to ESPN.

"Kiana's Flex Appeal" was your typical workout show from the early 90s -- muscular people in hot pants lifting weights on a beach for no apparent reason -- except that it featured the honey-brown goddess you see on the left, one Kiana Tom.

She is, as her official website puts it, "star of "Kiana's Flex Appeal," author of "Kiana's Body Sculpting" book, creator of Kiana Fitness Wear, creator of "Kiana Fitness Nutritional Line," producer of best selling "Kiana Fitness Videos" and role model to millions of viewers worldwide."

Role model. Yes. That's what we'll call it.

Of lesser note, though no less importance, she's also the personal trainer who lead me through several low-impact wrist and arm workouts.

Why am I bringing this up now? As I've been a worthless, unemployed drag on the GDP these past few weeks, I've been watching a lot of television and ESPN Classic is showing repeats of "Flex Appeal."

Obviously, she has loads of pictures at her website. And I own a copy of her appearance in Playboy (Three copies, actually. The first one got destroyed so I laminated the other two for easy cleanup). If I wanted to be really ambitious, I could order one of her *ahem* workout videos.


But in this day and age of war, economic uncertainty and the release of another damned Adam Sandler movie, I prefer to re-live a simpler time. A time when a man didn't need to download "Airtight Grannies #7" or search for German schiesse porn to get his jollies. A time when a low-budget workout show starring a woman so hot you'd want to punch other women in the face for the crime of not being her was all the inspiration legions of men, lesbians and straight women confused about their newly discovered desires needed to abuse themselves.

Welcome back, Kiana. We've missed you.

Read More...

Summary only...