by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
20. Super Cool and Nifty Coach Access.
We get it, the coaches talk to you before the game, and they divulge INCREDIBLE SECRETS that only you, cherished media person, could know. Because none of the rest of us could possibly have guessed that the team was going to have patient at bats today, or that they were going to test the rookie cornerback. What a scoop!
19. Documentation of tailgating.
Gosh, people eat in parking lots at games. How long has this been going on? Dammit, I demand more video footage and coverage of men with grills!
18. Painted fat guys.
Nip slips just don't have the same zest when they're accompanied by hair, day-glow paint, and 30 years of bad diet and exercise. Honestly, we've seen enough.
17. L'il Feller's Plumb Tuckered Out.
As a father, I'm prepared to let you all in on this incredible secret: small children fall asleep more than adults. Sometimes, even in the middle of games! Now that we've got that settled, can we, um... go back to showing the game? Please?
16. No Music From This Century.
I realize it's important to make people who are going to die while playing the same music that they've been listening to for the past 30+ years as comfortable as possible, but the audience is more than these aging non-hipsters. Honestly, you can play new music for them sometimes. They're old enough to think that White Stripes lick is Aerosmith.
15. Area file footage.
I grew up in Philadelphia, which, through the magic of television sports, exists only of the Liberty Bell, a cheese steak joint, and the Rocky Statue. Millions of people live in the city and its surrounding suburbs, and you should see us all, queued up like some nightmarish Soviet era rationing state, just hoping to get our cheese steak for the month, or to look at a 230-year old bell. Is it any wonder why we're bitter?
I suppose I need to count my blessings, though. I could live in Seattle, where the only thing people are allowed to do is drink coffee and throw fish around. Those people must be incredibly hungry, and rank.
14. Urban Legends.
Being from Philadelphia, I have not only thrown snowballs at Santa and Jimmy Johnson, I have also fired flare guns at the stadium, delighted in the apparent death of Michael Irvin, booed the national anthem of any country that was not my own, and savaged my own team's athletes without reason or sense.
What you don't know is that (a) Santa was drunk, (b) any sports fan with the ability to throw a snowball at Jimmy Johnson who passes on the opportunity lives a life of profound regret, (c) um, you're allowed to boo, at least for now, before there's legislation against it.
Similarly, I suspect, most people at a Cubs game don't much care about goats.
13. Pointless Telestrations.
If your bloated old color analyst can no longer operate a stylus, please don't demonstrate his failing physical capabilities. It's depressing.
12. Non-Game Game Breaks.
Hey, it's the playoffs and no other game is on -- but we're contractually obligated by our unrelenting oral service to Advertiser X to have a Game Break! Quick, show the exact same footage we've shown for the past 3 hours, because sports fans like it when you waste their time...
11. Nausea Cams.
It's not art, people. It's a game. If your robot camera that costs a small fortune can't, you know, show me something that adds to my understanding of the game, I don't care how sharp the picture is, or that it can do loops. As a matter of fact, I'm probably cringing at it, since my media-inspired tailgate involved budget meat.
10. The in-game interview with screen takeover.
When I'm watching a game, I know intellectually that the early minutes of the second quarter aren't crunch time; that's why the bench guys are in there. But believe it or not, their points count the same as the ones in the fourth.
So, um, I really don't need to view what they are doing on a small portion of my screen as your sideline reporter feeds straight lines to some celebrity or league official. Because, well, YOU CAN DO THAT BEFORE OR AFTER THE DAMNED GAME. Honest!
9. Pre-Ordained Storyline.
Player X, who used to be on Opposing Team, is sure to have his revenge in this game! What an astute signing! Let's all talk about how much he means to the team, regardless of his actual production in this game, because life is but a walking chain of events that can be seen by omniscient media people who, in no way, are trying to avoid actual reporting and on-the-fly thinking...
8. The broadcast booth pop-in, especially with marketing synergy tie-in.
Gosh, look who happened to be at the game today -- it's a Celebrity with a Movie to plug! How can we shamelessly promote your product, preferably with remarkably stilted allusions to how big of a fan you are? (Seriously, has this ever worked, with the possible and exceptionally limited exception of Charles Barkley?)
7. The wacky fan search.
Lookie at the monkeys! They're watching a game in cold weather without shirts! Some of them come in costume, or do funny dances! And if we didn't show them, perhaps they'd stop doing it, and the rest of us could, you know, not have to be near them for the rest of the game as they try to get the attention of your cameraman?
6. The timeout after kickoff.
Touchdown! Fantastic play. I'm totally pumped up about this game right now. Which is why I need about 10 minutes before the next meaningful play happens -- because you're going to give me replays, the point after, commercials, more replays, a strong likelihood of an uneventful kickoff, commercials, then more talk about the player who scored or the coaches.
Football games are 60 minutes on the clock, and 3.5 hours from all of our lives. And that last half hour is entirely composed of arbitrary and abusive stoppages for networks that could easily make the same money in less time. Let's all have them killed.
5. The spouse and/or snatch cut-away.
Gosh, she's pretty and concerned! Let's get a tighter shot on her, so we can see if she's had work done, or if the athlete has recently hit her. You know, I think games like this one are tougher on the spouses, since they, you know, have to come to the game, sit in great seats, be married to a guy who makes more in a year than most of the audience will make in their lifetime, and talk to the athlete after the game.
Oh, did we miss a play while focusing on the spouse? No matter. Look, she's got the kids with her, too! Let's send the sideline reporter to go talk to her, or maybe have her pop into the booth to discuss her charity work. It's not like we've got anything better to do right now.
4. The Recitation of Woe.
Hey, you know what's even better than rooting for a team with a long period of time since their last playoff success? Hearing about how long it's been, because sports fans have no long-term memory or taste for collecting slights and screw jobs. Quick, let's deepen the agony by showing the same file footage of the last champion from that area, and tack on a God, You Are Old And Dying And Your Team Is Doomed list of facts about how much the world has changed since the last time you felt real happiness.
Can we just cut to the chase and have television people come to our homes to attach nipple clamps and leeches directly? I'm tired of the middlemen here.
3. The Character Assessment.
Player who just failed is actually a wonderful, wonderful man who is good to his spouse cut-away and kids, and while he's sad now, this won't be the last time you'll see him on this stage, because I, Omniscient Media Person who has spent a career fellating people for access, just *know* these things. Now, let's talk some more about his Work In The Community.
2. The Anal Minute.
(I wanted to call this one The McCarver, but then I started punching myself.) You know, ordinary fans miss the small points that I, Media Person and Probable Insufferable Ex Jock With An Unbelievably Bloated Sense of My Own Importance, do not. Let me demonstrate to you how the entire last play came down to this small and almost certainly insignificant detail, which I will now elaborate further on with a pointless telestration...
1. Altering Reality for Commerce.
Today, it's rotating commercial panels to advertise upcoming network shows. Tomorrow, it's the very outcome of games being altered to benefit large market teams. We're through the looking glass here, people...
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
TOP 20 TELEVISON SPORTS PET PEEVES
Monday, April 21, 2008
TOP 12 REASONS THE BLUE JAYS RELEASED FRANK THOMAS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
12. When he grazed on the Astroturf, it was genuinely disturbing
11. His TV ad made the team's management wet themselves
10. Leading the team in homers and RBIs last year made a slow April unacceptable
9. General manager JP Riccardi wants to be known as not just an unemployed stathead nerd, but a genius unemployed stathead nerd
8. Team was desperate to start the Matt Stairs / Rod Barajas Era at DH
7. Clubhouse reaction to recent benching made Big Hurt more of a statement of fact than a nickname
6. Thomas was just over 300 plate appearances away this season from making the Blue Jays pay him a terrible, terrible price... that, um, Riccardi negotiated
5. Toronto wants to make sure his Hall of Fame plaque is all messed up at the end
4. The release helps Thomas sign with another AL team and torture the Jays
3. A team with a $97mm per year payroll, that's paying AJ Burnett, BJ Ryan and Scott Rolen over $35mm for 2008, is very, very judicious with how they spend their money
2. Thomas, on second thought, just doesn't seem very Canadian after all
1. Just didn't have enough bobbleheads to go around for his upcoming day
Friday, February 29, 2008
TOP 11 REASONS WHY WRIGLEY FIELD CAN'T CHANGE ITS NAME
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
11. Because, as the video shows, you don't really want to see wht Cub Fan is capable of when provoked
10. Unmatched legacy of success
9. If the name is changed, every man, woman and child will have to refer to it by its new corporate name, or risk imprisonment
8. The rules by which every other economic decision is made just can not apply to Cubs fans, who have a delicate condition and constitution
7. It would make a bazillionaire happy, and that just can't happen
6. Drawing out the inevitable sell-out makes for more easy blog grist, especially during the winter lull
5. No other corporate allusion makes as much sense to Cub personnel moves as cheap chewing gum
4. More revenue for the Cubs means even more money for Carlos Zambrano's upcoming hope-crushing surgeries
3. Without an old-time name, people might notice that the place is actually a very overrated place to see a game, if only because so many of the frat boy fans use it as an open-air urinal
2. After becoming the official chewing gum of the NBA, Wrigley would have to raise the price of a pack of gum to $5 to cover the two-sport commitment, and the price hike could be the last thing that sends this country spiraling into an economic Depression
1, Because Cub Fan fears change and the future... because, in the future, they probably still don't have a ring
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
TOP 11 RAMIFICATIONS OF THE COMING RECESSION TO SPORTS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
With the next two weeks consisting of nothing but Super Hype and regular season basketball, the Lists are expanding beyond the sports pages, just in time to learn that our 401K is officially worthless. Whoopie!
But as long as there's blogging, we're getting the good spot under the bridge, the one with that stays dry and upwind of the other hobos. How will the rest of the sports world react to an economic downturn?
11. "Cribs" show switches over to tricked-out trailers
10. Terrell Owens will have many fewer reasons to live
9. Athlete posses housed in guest rooms, not guest houses
8. Steroids and HGH will be bought in Canada, not the US
7. Many WNBA players to have fewer apples and salt licks
6. PR-savvy athletes will trade in signing pictures for signing soup cans
5. Paternity suits will be settled for pennies on the dollar
4. Many shows will no longer be shown in HD; hundreds of sideline reporters rejoice and cancel upcoming surgeries
3. NBC's Sunday Night Is Football Night Because That Is A Night In Which Football Is Played studio telecast cut down to a skeleton crew of eight in-studio analysts
2. The cliche about which team is hungrier will no longer just be an expression of speech
1. After a brutal and wild round of cost-cutting, the average annual salary in the NBA will be cut down to only the lifetime earnings of three people, instead of five
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
TOP 11 MARKETING SLOGANS FOR THE 2008 OAKLAND A'S
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
After going 76-86 and finishing 18 games out in the AL West in 2007, the Oakland A's have announced their intention to have no meaningful chance to compete in 2008 by trading away Dan Haren and Nick Swisher for minor league players.
What, you don't believe me? Believe them, then.
"I got off the plane from the winter meetings; I said to David, 'Who are we kidding?' We can't let hope be our strategy here. That's what we're doing. ... We can't waste another year. If this needs to be done, it needs to be done... This whole winter we’ve been gauging the health of our club. We were injured last year. When we got into the winter, we weren’t optimistic it was going to be any different. If we stayed status quo, we weren’t going anywhere anyway. I looked at the club and at best we’d be a 72-to-81 (win) team.” - A's GM Billy BeaneThe team averaged 23,726 fans per game in 2007. That was 26th in MLB, with crowds of less than 6K common for mid-week games against lower-tier opponents. The salary of $25,388,825 is 29th (next to last) in MLB, and less money than the Yankees will pay one player, Alex Rodriguez, in 2008.
So how are they planning to attract fans in 2008? (Well, as slogan number six shows, that's really not a concern, assuming they don't sign Barry Bonds to attract rubberneckers.) Besides, the team is great at Marketing!
11. You'll Always Remember The Half Dozen Foul Balls You Are Very Likely To Catch
10. All The Fun Of Minor League Baseball, Plus The Visiting Team
9. See Tomorrow's Stars For Other Teams Today
8. Ample Parking Available
7. We Still Have Billy Beane, And He'll Be Serving Up Hot Dogs In Section 317, The All You Can Eat Upper Deck
6. The Guaranteed Profit That We're Going To Make From Over $30 Million In 2008 Revenue Sharing Dollars, Without Winning A Single Game Or Selling A Single Ticket, Is Being Put To Good Use, Honest
5. Playing To No More Than 25% Capacity Means Plenty of Room To Spread Out And Get Comfy
4. Now With 80% Less Noise
3. From Connie Mack to Charlie Finley and Beyond -- A Tradition of Fire Sales, Like No Other
2. The Home Away From Home For Yankee, Red Sox and Giants Fans
1. Now Warming Up In The Oakland Bullpen - YOU!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
DA COACH IS NOT GOOD WITH DA MONEY
by WCK, 100% Injury Rate
You may have heard about Mike Ditka's less than giving Hall of Fame Assistance Trust. The charity that collected $1.3 million in its first three years and gave only $57,000 to needy ex-players.
Naturally this revelation made a few people somewhat mad.
As reported here earlier, Da Coach has now said that because of the furor that his charity has caused, he's shutting it down.
Ditka said he will split the charity's $600,000 in unspent funds between Misericordia, a Catholic home for people with developmental disabilities in Chicago, and the Gridiron Greats Assistance Fund, a Green Bay, Wis., charity that also helps former players.
Except there's one major problem here. The money from the charity, even if it's dissolved, was supposed to go entirely to NFL vets, not people with developmental disabilities in Chicago. After all, people who gave money to the charity believed they were doing it to get money to NFL vets.
There's also a problem with Ditka's money, as in something isn't matching up right.
In an interview on a Chicago sports talk show on Tuesday, Ditka said his trust has given away $159,000 and has $600,000 left to distribute.
But the most recent tax return Ditka's charity filed with the IRS, in November 2007, shows the gift figure as $57,000 and a fund balance of about $301,000 through 2006.
I don't know exactly what this means, but I'll take a stab.
One: Ditka doesn't care quite as much about the NFL vets as he wanted you to believe.
Two: He's going to have a lot of problems during tax season.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
TOP 13 NBA THIEVES
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
No, not the players who lead the league in steals. I'm going more for the players who have shown us how to deliver less for more. May we all find opportunities in life to be this abundant -- and just remember, a year of any of these guys is more money than you will probably ever make in your whole life. Much, much, much more money.
13. Ben Wallace. $15.5 million a year for an energy player who has no energy, and who you can't play late in the game because he might be the worst free throw shooter in the history of the league. And this is a league that had Chris Dudley. Unlike the bigger thieves on this list, Ben at least gives you effort for the ransom.
12. Mike Bibby. $13.5 million a year buys you a dreadful defensive shoot first, shoot often and shoot badly point guard who hasn't averaged more than 7 assists a year since they played basketball in Vancouver. (Yes, they once played basketball in Vancouver.) Those hot playoff series for the Kings against the Lakers were a long, long time ago. Plus, he's hurt! What's not to love here?
11. Shaquille O'Neal. 16 points and 7 boards a game is actually not so bad, but $20 million a year for a guy that rarely plays much more than half of the games isn't exactly smart shopping. There is also this: he is about as ownable, from a fantasy standpoint, as Eddy Curry. (Shudder.)
10. Jason Collins. $6.1 million a year for this guy? No wonder the Nets won't give Sean Williams the floor time he deserves. They are still trying to get their money's worth out of this oaf. Has anyone thought about organ harvesting?
9. Malik Rose. $7.1 million a year to never play, but on the Knicks, that still means you feel better about yourself than Jerome James ($5.8 million). Just to put this into perspective, Rose and James combined make just a little less than Vince Carter, Chris Bosh and LeBron James. But they do deliver 5 points and 4 boards. Combined. Per game.
8. Erick Dampier. The less useful half of a platoon that has DeSagna Diop makes $8.5 million this year, but that's OK. His contract only goes for three more years and $33 million after this one. You were maybe expecting more for 3 points and 5 boards a night?
7. Kenyon Martin. The Angry Yellow Man has $60 million to go on his deal, and about 60 minutes left in his knees. Even healthy -- and when you look at his career record, he almost never was -- there was no way that a guy who was never better than 17 and 9 deserved this kind of jack.
6. Darius Miles. Is he even still coming by to pick up the paychecks, or is this all done by direct deposit now? The good times roll for another three years and $26 million dollars. On the plus side, you have to think that money is being spread through the community, a dime bag at a time... and it's Paul Allen's money, and Paul Allen makes Miles look like a Mensa member. We're sure that the year-long knee rehab has been epic in its devotion. And that it smells like Funyuns. Lots and lots of Funyuns.
5. Adonal Foyle. Three more years and $30 million more dollars for the undersized and undertalented Foyle, who has parlayed good interview skills and the worst BO in the league to one of the most improbably 11-year careers ever. Career highs: 6 points and 7 boards a game. In 2000.
4. Boris Diaw. The Fat Frenchie turned one good year into five more very lucrative ones, with $9 million a year filling his piehole with, well, pies. His inclusion on this list has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I reached for him in my roto league last year. Or the fact that "Le Diaw" is French for how shall you say, Bag Of the Douche.
3. Stephon Marbury. Yes, yes, yes, we know, he's shooting the ball wonderfully now! The Knicks beat the Jazz the other day, so everything is forgiven! He's trying and everything on defense! And all for the low, low price of over $20 million a year? Only in New York. It's like winning the lottery, only with less hard work.
2. Michael Finley. Over $21 million a year because Mark Cuban loved him SO MUCH back in the day. That buys you a 35% shooter whose main purpose on the court is to keep Manu Ginobili from playing too many minutes. But on the plus side for the Spurs, it's still Cube's money.
1. Steve Francis. Starchild's one-time running mate can't even get Rafer Alston and Mike James off the floor in Houston. But when your wallet is holding over $16 million a year in checks, with another $17 million coming next year, you can see how the bench is tough to leave. But give this up for him: with a line of 7-2-2, he delivers many categories of suck.
Add your own thieves in the comments, and then renegotiate your contract...
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