by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
So much better, in fact, that you'll want to email me at dmt shooter at gmail dot com to claim one of the few remaining slots in my league, the Leather Crown Cult. (No, seriously.) Now, on to the list.
11. Points, not head to head. So you were really excited about winning your matchup because your field goal kicker hit a last-second... sorry, I passed out in the middle of your hypothetical, because it was SO FREAKING MEANINGLESS. Play for points, forget your small sample size silliness, and accept the idea that the best team should, you know, actually win. A pox on your H2H.
10. It's an auction. If you like serpentine drafts, you probably also like cuddling and just being friends. Step up and play a man's game, people. You do not have Mad Drafting Skillz because you had the foresight to win the first pick drafting position and take that Tomlinson guy. In my world, if you want LDT, you're going to spend hard to get him, and run the risk of not having enough to be competitive on the rest of your squad. So sac up already.
9. Keep your redrafts. This is Keeper League. Enough with living and dying with a guy for one regular season, then tossing him aside and flushing the whole thing for next year. In keeper leagues, you can taste that sweet low money bid luckout for years to come, and have the guy that you missed by a buck haunt you for years. That's good drama!
8. The right amount of money. Guys that play for free... I'm thinking they also scrapbook. Guys that play for huge jack are probably getting a visit from a loan shark at some point. You want enough buy-in to ensure that no one stops trying (the keeper league aspect helps there), and that the check at the end of the year is worthwhile. More or less than that, pass.
7. No fees. Leagues that charge for transactions are UnAmerican, dammit. (Besides, if you do a keeper league, add/dropping scrubs that you can't keep next year gets a lot less attractive.)
6. Live and in-person draft. There is no substitute for the best day of the year to be a nerd; for this, I will brook no argument. Being trapped in a room with your fellow degenerates for hours on end, cracking highly offensive jokes at each other's expense, and just wallowing in the timewaste... it's pure, it's uncut, it should not be missed. And your online drafts are infant strength in comparison.
5. An Honest to God War Room. My Man Space comes equipped with the Throne seen above, and is also below the earth. You will get in touch with your inner cave man, and you will tell your spouse that there is no cell phone reception down here. (There is, of course, but she doesn't need to know that.)
4. Throne Bidding. See that throne? It's in the Man Space. It's Gold, Bitches. I can die like Elvis now. So can you, though I'd much rather you didn't. You can also stick your hand out of the curtain and bid on Jeremy Shockey, while producing your own Jeremy Shockey. That's Class!
3. Production Values. Big Board? Of course. Board Babe? That would be telling. Fog machine? Check. Strobe lights? Got it. Theater sound system to pump out your entrance music? That's just how we ride, dog. Spend the time from now until the draft obsessing about what's really important -- your team name and entrance music. Aw Yeah.
2. Utter shamelessness. By now, I think you've gotten a bit of the point of the Leather Crown Cult, but for the mouth breathers, let me spell this out simply. If you're going to be a big fantasy sports nerd, just own it. Don't pretend to be casual just to give yourself a fallback position for your team sucking.
LCC owners know that they're going to spend an afternoon neck-deep in timewaste; we're not going daintily into that pool. We're tucking in the legs, jumping off the high board, and trying to push all of the water out with a truly epic cannonball. Dainty ain't shit.
1. Dork Artifact. And the piece de resistance... an actual, physical trophy. I'd show the Leather Crown to you, but the concentration of that much Total Awesomeness in one blog post could easily shut down the Internets. Just know that if you join my league, you will see it, touch it, and dream of one day walking down the street wearing it on your head, just to see how many random women lunge out of their homes and cars to service you sexually. Because it's just that damn cool. (You will, of course, never own the Crown, as I will crush you. But you are permitted to dream. For now.)
Feel free to ping me for an invite, or attempt to take some of these ideas for your own league. (It will still not be as good as mine, but it will at least have Partial Awesomeness.)
You're with DMt in Leather...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
TOP 11 REASONS WHY MY FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE IS BETTER THAN YOURS
Monday, August 20, 2007
Our Favorite 10 Pre-Season Football Announcer Lines
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Have to watch football if it's on, even if the game is meaningless? You're not alone, Desperate Fantasy Dork. And if you've endured one game, you've endured these words...
10. "For the guys on the field right now, this is their Super Bowl." Try Pro Bowl. Or Not A Pro Bowl.
9. "Players like Veteran Guy can turn it on or off in a preseason game." If he's on a field taking contact, he's got to be on, especially if he's facing the future longshoremen who are hoping to thug their way into a job. Turning it off generally happens when, with a great sense of relief, he goes to the bench for good in the second quarter...
8. "Player X really impressed the coaches in the workout room." He looks good in shorts? He's got warm hands and soft lips? His diction is impeccable? On second thought, spare us the details...
7. "Coach X treats this fourth quarter like it's a playoff game." If so, Coach X is a retard, but this is clearly a lie. After all, Marty Schottenheimer didn't become who he is by gagging preseason games.
6. "Quarterback X and the first unit struggled to find their rhythm." Guys, we know that you all secretly wanted to be in the band back in high school and college... but let's not make it so obvious. It's Not Music.
5. "This battle for Obscure Job is one of the hottest in camp." I don't know about you, but 30 years from now, when I sit my grandkids on my lap and talk to them about how football was back in my day, I'm definitely playing the Training Camp Battles card. Then, I'm probably losing control of my bowels. That will teach them not to expect much in the will.
4. "Third String Punter is really auditioning for the other teams in the league here." Because the other 31 NFL teams are really convinced they are going to find the second coming of Ray Guy off the Titans' practice squad.
Maybe he's auditioning for Aussie Rules Football here, or the CFL, or Grasping at Straws Sales Guy at the place that rotates my tires. Let's not limit the real possibilities here.
3. "The conditions in Camp were brutal." Memo to the announcing world: it's hot in the summer, and football is played outdoors. We get it. We also get that late in the season, it will get cold in many outdoor places. Thank you for making this clear. (Along with football not being music, it is also Not War. Moving on.)
2. "The cuts to 60 were among the hardest that Coach X and his staff has ever had to make." Yes, we can see how they'd be dramatically different in color and tone than the same job that they did every year before, and much worse than when he was back in high school and college, and the players were younger and had less perspective.
Let's just call this for what it is, shall we? Football coaches get to play God for a small number of people. If they didn't like that, they wouldn't get into the gig. Just once, I'd like to hear, "Coach X is really looking forward to this round of cuts, because let's face it, a lot of these guys are just wasting his time." (This small bit of honesty, by the way, is a big reason why Buddy Ryan holds a place in the hearts of Eagle Fan to this day, independent of the abysmal playoff record.)
1. "It's really important to Coach X and the rest of the team that they have a good showing in tonight's game." No, it's not. It's important that the star players don't get hurt. Oh, and that the season-ticket holders get nailed for additional games in their packages.
Take packages two ways, and add your own in the comments. Remember, this is your audition for other sports blogs...
Friday, August 10, 2007
Top 10 In-Show Timewaste Suggestions for ESPN SportsCenter
The only thing that matters is what we believe will make people watch SportsCenter more often and longer. Our goal is to make SportsCenter better all the time, and the only way to do that is to take some risks. -- Glenn Jacobs, senior coordinating producer of ESPN's SportsCenter, defending his decision to greenlight "Who's Now"10. "Who's Small": Midget wrestling, in oil, with Stuart Scott as your referee
9. "Cold Hard Kruk": In-show poll to determine if John Kruk keeps his job or gets fired
8. "Strip Prompter": The anchor duo of Erin Andrews and Linda Cohn take off a piece of clothing whenver they stumble on the script (No, Linda, no!)
7. "Who's Then": The updated edition of "Who's Now", where the loser in each match-up dies
6. "NBA Mush Mouth": Stephen A. Smith and Dick Vitale compete to see who can win an NBA debate while inserting marbles in their mouths
5. "Budweiser In My Hot Seat": Sean Salisbury shows the audience what got him suspended
4. "Old Spice Bear Necessities": Chris Berman finally succumbs to what he mistakenly believes is the blogosphere's desire to see him do the show while dressed in leather
3. "Pedro Gomez Is Trying To Kill Himself", where the ertswhile Bonds Shadow tries various X Game stunts without training or safety gear
2. "SportsCenter Aida" puts Mike and Mike in a hermetically sealed set; when the oxygen is used up, they suffocate while singing, and pass out in each other's arms
1. Actually, you know, showing sports
Friday, July 20, 2007
Epic Carnival's Preview of ESPN's New Fall Line Up
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Want to find out what will be making you throw bricks at your television this fall? Find out what Epic Carnival's exclusive look at the hot new shows from the World Wide Lemur.
Better Than Life
This half-hour exercise is a breakthrough in what some experts are calling immersion therapy for broken-hearted sports fans.
Using the same digital reconstructions used by Gatorade in its recent "That Didn't Happen" campaign, producers will splice together geographically appropriate endings to classic decisive sports moments.
So Boston fans get to see Bucky Dent's ball caught at the warning track, while New York fans get to see Dave Roberts picked off first. In Philadelphia, Donovan McNabb engineers the last-minute miracle to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. In Detroit, Bird never steals the ball. And so on.
"We're very excited about the prospects for Better Than Life," said show producer Eric Blair. "Especially in markets like Philadelphia, Washington DC, Atlanta and Northern California, where the fans have no real hope of their teams winning for the foreseeable future, you're telling me they won't watch this?"
Industry insiders, however, were less impressed with the show's chances. "For a few seconds of emotional payoff, fans are going to have to sit through a lot of set-up," said television critic Tim Goodwin. "Sports fans would never go for that."
Full Contact Snark
Do you have what it takes to enter the exciting and charged world of sports blogging? In this new reality series, you're going to find out.
"We're going to draw on every part of the sports blogging rainbow -- from fat and white to less fat and white -- and then find some other people who want to be on TV," said producer Mike Barnett.
"They'll undergo a grueling 8-week crash course in sports blogging, taught by experts like John Kruk, Sean Salisbury and Joe Morgan. Each week, one contestant will get the dreaded Server Error, and their blog will be deleted. This is going to be riveting television."
In-game contests include eating bugs, howling into a stiff wind, seeing who can refresh their page to check the most often for new comments, begging for links, butchering HTML, gaming the search engines, getting into slap fights with other bloggers and, time permitting, writing.
"We'll split the teams into two racially diverse teams for cheap heat, and then throw the gimmick under the bus after the PR burst has gone," said Barnett. "Oh crap, did I just say that out loud?"
Tuesday Afternoon Taint Stains
Following the success of "Friday Night Lights," "Four Days To Glory" and "Won't Anyone, For The Love Of God, Blow A Mathlete" comes this tense and gripping drama.
You'll meet the Fighting Pundits from White Plains, NY's Far West High School, and follow every minute of their quest to better last year's eighth-place finish at the State Championships.
Celebrity cameos from noted debaters like Al Sharpton, Oprah Winfrey and Ben Stein will liven up the proceedings, and the "hole card" cameras that fans have come to love on poker telecasts will bring you every involuntary bowel release, outbreak of flop sweat, and contracting of the sphincter.
"By the time TATS is done, you'll have given your hearts to these kids," said producer Melinda Thomas. "You'll have to, actually, because they're going to be working on the argument for mandatory organ harvesting."
The World Cup Of Pinochle
The world of gambling television gets taken up a notch with the real-life drama of TWCoP, an unforgettable look inside the 7-week annual event held in Kenosha, Wisconsin for over $300 in prize money. Pinochle experts like Bitters Yohanssen, Cranky McPhee and Carrot Top will be on hand to cover every second of the fast and frantic action.
"America won't be able to get enough of the Hatenmeiers," said Nigel Nigel, the show’s producer. "As any pinochle aficionado knows, they are the dominant force of pinochle, with a 14-year unbeaten streak as the crowning glory in their 52 year sexless marriage.”
“Will their bitter rivals and next-door neighbors, the Smegensteins, finally break through this year? Or will Fred Hatenmeier be able to put up his celebratory 'Frank Smegenstein Is My Pinochle Bitch, and His Wife Is My Pinochle Whore' light display up again in his Christmas decorations this year? You'll have to tune in to find out."
The Hype-Around
Watch as our distinguished panel of sports writers, circus freaks and adult film fluffers discuss the sports events of the day in a non-stop circle jerk of hype.
Did Peyton Manning's breakthrough Super Bowl win make him the greatest big-game quarterback of this or any other generation?
Is this year's coming NFL pre-season a cinematic masterpiece, a new way out in Iraq, and a cure for colon cancer?
Did this year's NBA Summer League season make you forget every other Summer League season?
Find out... only on The Hype Around!
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