by Gary Gaffney, MD, Steroid Nation
July, the gateway to August and the 2008 Olympics. July, the Tour de France. July, when the weightlifters all bail from competition.
Beginning last week and striding (or stroking) into the early days of July, US athletes competed for berths on the 2008 Olympics team and airfare to Beijing China. Olympic athletes also face more stringent dope testing preparing for the Olympics than in previous years.
In the USA camp, drug-cheat and ex-gold medal winner Justin Gatlin, did not run in the '08 Olympic trials. Gatlin or no Gatlin, the USA showed speed to burn: Tyson Gay fired up the 100M in an wind-aided 8.68. However Gay pulled a hamstring in the 200, falling hard o the fast new track in Eugene OR.
Several once-juiced athletes qualified for the US track team: Torri Edwards a female sprinter, and Demu Cherry in women's 100M hurdles. Both served suspensions in past years for doping: Edwards a stimulant, and Cherry a nandrolone metabolite. None disgraced themselves as much as former world record holder Tim Montgomery who plead guilty to heroin charges last week.
US gymnast Morgan Hamm failed to inform the USOC of his therapeutic use of an anti-inflammatory steroid for hip pain; this did not sooth US Olympics officials who need both Hamm and his twin brother to compete at Beijing.
The big news over in Omaha, when US swimmers competed for Olympics slots included an incredible performance by superman Michael Phelps, and superwoman Dara Torres. Torres (photo to the left) a 41 year-old mother defied gravity, swimming faster that she did 20 years ago to qualify for her 5th Olympiad. Cynics howled at the moon attempting to identify if she doped. This appears to be futile exercise: she never tested positive for the juice even when questions arose in 2000. Torres attributes her amazing physique to stretching, and not weight machines (? lifting). Torres feel so righteous she volunteered to offer every body fluid and a couple abdominal organs for dope testing. Fava beans anyone?
The dope testers worked overtime abroad. Bulgaria lost an entire weightlifting team to juice. The Chinese cracked down on several athletes. Lord Coe in the UK looks dimly on sprinter Dwain Chambers -- a BALCO player -- attempt to override the lifetime ban Britain slapped on the track star. Euro indoor champ, Slovak shot putter Mikulas Konopka, appears to be banned for doping, serving life plus 3.
The biggest loss occurred when Turkish gold medalist 4ft-11inch Halil withdraw from the upcoming Beijing Olympics, thus spoiling his opportunity for a 3-peat in weight lifting. Mutlu (photo to the right) said he was coming up short on training lifts. Mutlu cast a long shadow on his achievements when he was nailed with a steroid suspension.
The 2008 Tour de France rolled out a less than star-studded stable of cyclists, cut down by the pervasive doping offenses the past several years in pro cycling. While Floyd Landis considered appealing his recent loss of the 2006 Tour to the man in the moon, Alejandro Valverde took Day One. Valverde's lead, implicated in the huge Operation Puerto doping scheme in Europe, suggests connoisseurs of the doping scandal may yet be served in the '08 Tour. Then again, even the EPO test employed to catch blood doping cheats, draws lab validity questions. (and here)
Oh yes, and the PGA began steroid testing; John Daly they are looking at you, dude.
Almost a quiet week in baseball. Ex-trainer Brian McNamee asked the court to dismiss Roger Clemens's defecation suit (anyone catch that?) against him. Mega-juicer Jason Giambi is making a case to be on the 2008 All-Star team, as Mitchell-report add-on Todd Williams would just like to make an MLB team.
Several weeks of the Tour de France and several weeks until the Beijing Olympics. Wonder what steroid surprises lie ahead?
Monday, July 7, 2008
THE 'ROID REPORT FOR THE WEEK OF JUNE 29
Monday, May 19, 2008
FEELIN' THE BURN
by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer
In the days before the Intraweb existed to provide smut beyond what even the most depraved and debauched mind could conceive (Those links are possibly NSFW. I wouldn't recommend clicking on them at all if you hope to maintain your self-respect. Or if you're ever planning to eat again.) we had to work harder to find stroke material. I turned to the network that provided so much of my entertainment in those days. I turned to ESPN.
"Kiana's Flex Appeal" was your typical workout show from the early 90s -- muscular people in hot pants lifting weights on a beach for no apparent reason -- except that it featured the honey-brown goddess you see on the left, one Kiana Tom.
She is, as her official website puts it, "star of "Kiana's Flex Appeal," author of "Kiana's Body Sculpting" book, creator of Kiana Fitness Wear, creator of "Kiana Fitness Nutritional Line," producer of best selling "Kiana Fitness Videos" and role model to millions of viewers worldwide."
Role model. Yes. That's what we'll call it.
Of lesser note, though no less importance, she's also the personal trainer who lead me through several low-impact wrist and arm workouts.
Why am I bringing this up now? As I've been a worthless, unemployed drag on the GDP these past few weeks, I've been watching a lot of television and ESPN Classic is showing repeats of "Flex Appeal."
Obviously, she has loads of pictures at her website. And I own a copy of her appearance in Playboy (Three copies, actually. The first one got destroyed so I laminated the other two for easy cleanup). If I wanted to be really ambitious, I could order one of her *ahem* workout videos.
But in this day and age of war, economic uncertainty and the release of another damned Adam Sandler movie, I prefer to re-live a simpler time. A time when a man didn't need to download "Airtight Grannies #7" or search for German schiesse porn to get his jollies. A time when a low-budget workout show starring a woman so hot you'd want to punch other women in the face for the crime of not being her was all the inspiration legions of men, lesbians and straight women confused about their newly discovered desires needed to abuse themselves.
Welcome back, Kiana. We've missed you.
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