by DCScrap, on 205th magazine
As the person who posted this video states: "Where, exactly, did this kid think he was going to go?" Dude... he is a skateboarder... logic is not a part of the thought process... jeesh.
Friday, September 5, 2008
SKATEBOARDING STUPIDITY STARTS AT A YOUNG AGE
THE AFTER PARTY
Stepehn Colbert loves 'Cocks
The Perfect Party Favor: Rent A USC Song Girl!
Father of the Year Picture: Virginia Fans Start Tailgating Games Really Early
Novak Djokovic got booed mercilessly at the U.S. Open
Rashad McCants and a Kardashian Sister?
Why it sucks to be a Bengals fan
The NFL Roster Quiz
Jenn Sterger interview, part two
Denny Green has whored out his failure
'Dear Eli' ... Six NFL Quarterbacks We Just Can't Stand
Ex-RB Jamal Anderson Is One Drunken Dirty Bird
NFL's Top 10 Non-Kicking Special Teamers Of All Time
New Peyton Manning SNL Commercial
Joe Gibbs wows 'em at the RNC
German badass does 100 KPH on a skateboard
INJURY FREE? A LOOK AT THE 2008 ST LOUIS RAMS
by Chris Richardson, Intentional Foul
There was a time when the St Louis Rams were one of the most exciting teams in the NFL, otherwise known as the Greatest Show on Turf. Unfortunately for Rams fans, these days have come and gone; only to be replaced by high draft picks, a MASH unit of injuries, the death of the owner who was on board when the Rams beat the Titans in Super Bowl XXXIV, and other various setbacks.
Of course, the most glaring hurdle has been the injuries. Last season alone, the Rams had a number of key players on IR, including Orlando Pace, Leonard Little and Dante Hall. Making matters worse, Pace wasn't the only Rams offensive lineman on the IR list. Because Marc Bulger was working with such a patchwork o-line he spent a lot of time on his back as he was sacked 37 times in only 12 appearances; over three times a game.
Because of these beatings, Bulger also spent some time on the injury pile. When he did get to play, he wasn't as effective as seasons past, throwing more interceptions (15) than touchdowns (11). Obviously, the injury-riddled offensive line played a large role.
Unfortunately for Rams fans, the injuries didn't stop there. In fact, the bright spot for the moribund Rams last season was Torry Holt, who performed quite admirably (93 receptions, 1,189 yards, seven touchdowns) considering the circumstances.
Fast forward to 2008.The Rams had a good draft, selecting Chris Long from Virginia with their first pick. Long, son of NFL on Fox's Howie Long, is expected to solidify a defense that lost its identity last season. Ram fans are hoping Long and a healthy (there's that word again) Leonard Little can apply copious amounts of pressure on opposing quarterbacks. However, rushing the quarterback is not enough. Last season, the Rams gave up 27.4 points a game. If they expect to show any improvement, this number has to come down exponentially.
Granted, the injuries had a lot to do with the scoring differential, but the fact remains -- you can't give up almost 30 points a game and expect to win in the NFL.
On offense, if the Rams -- say it with me -- stay healthy, they have some weapons and could certainly cause trouble for opposing defenses and coaches. This, of course, starts with Marc Bulger and the offensive line. If he's protected, he can throw the ball as well and as accurately as guys named Brady and Manning.
The same health caveat comes with Steven Jackson. After a brilliant 2006 season, Jackson regressed some last year. One of the culprits in Jackson's regression was injuries, believe it or not. Like his quarterback, Jackson missed five games last season, which probably explains why he held out at the start of training camp.
No point in getting a permanent injury if the team isn't taking care of you financially.
On the receiving side of things, Torry Holt is the biggest name on the Rams roster, and with good reason. Even though last year was a debacle for St. Louis, Holt still had a Pro Bowl-worthy season. However, he cannot be the only passing threat if the Rams want to improve and that's why they drafted receivers Donnie Avery and Keenan Burton. Both are expected to contribute and with Torry Holt drawing the bulk of the opposing secondary's attention, they will have a good chance to do so.
St Louis also addressed offensive line depth by drafting two 300-pounders, John Greco and Roy Schuening. I'm guessing the sight of Bulger on his back because of injuries got really old.
Chris Long and other new faces aside, the Rams season essentially comes down to this simple fact -- if they want to be successful and knock Seattle off the top of NFC West, they need to see less of this:
With that in mind, I'll leave with two predictions -- if the Rams can stay, well, you know -- while avoiding season-long injuries, they could very well go 10-6 and challenge the Seahawks for the division title. However, if the injury bug shows its head again like last year, last year's 3-13 record could easily repeat itself.
THE GREATEST TV COMMERCIAL EVER
by DCScrap, on 205th magazine
SEAT, some Euro car company or something (I don't know, I didn't research it... sue me), put together this nice little advertisement incorporating hot women, in bikinis, preparing for a beach volleyball game, in slow motion, okay, I am out of breath... just watch.
NO SERVICE?
by Scott Sargent, Waiting For Next Year
First, you have Browns wide receiver Braylon Edwards gallivanting around practice without shoes on - ultimately resulting in stitches and three missed preseason games.
Now, we have the picture to the right - apparently one of the "artistic" variety. Truthfully, I don't really get it but then again, I'm about as far from Annie Liebovitz as you may find. I'm sure some people dig this sort of thing.
Either way, can we get this guy to keep his clothes on? Please?
(photo courtesy of BE's official site)
COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEKEND PREVIEW
by WCT, The Ship of Fools
Pic: Dr. Saturday
Week 2 is here and we're off and running. This weekend, unlike last week when we had a lot of yawners on-paper, features some interesting games for the knowledgeable fan. Sure, a lot of "experts" will be grousing about the fact that there are no marquee contests this Saturday, but we do have plenty of under-the-radar matchups that true fans of college pigskin will appreciate. That's a positive development for you and me, because it means that we won't have to wade through all of the Johnny-come-lately bandwagoners, clogging up our sports bars, wearing their polo shirts with popped collars, waving their USC pennants, asking each other "did we just score a home run?" Its a thinking-fan's week, so only the true fans need apply!
There are some up-and-coming teams that face tests against big boys, and some teams with the proverbial wheels falling off have opportunities to turn things around. And that is exactly where we will begin this week (all times eastern):
Miami University at Michigan (-14.5) - Noon - This is a scary game for Michigan. Miami is a very capable team. They are not as good as Utah (although Utah did everything they could to hand last week's game to the Wolverines) but still very able to come into the Big House and pull off a win. Michigan is still searching for an identity (and a quarterback). I personally think the spread here is a little high, but I think Michigan pulls it off to move to 1-1.
BYU at Washington (-9.5) - 3pm - This is got to be Ty Willingham's last stand, right? So far, he has done nothing in three years at Washington, and was blown out last week in the opener against Oregon. If the Huskies get embarrassed again, this week at home, you have to believe that Willingham will be a lame duck for the rest of the season. I think BYU beats them.
San Diego State at Notre Dame (-22) - 3:30pm - Our first look at Notre Dame in 2008. This game will be a good predictor as to how the Irish's season will go, because we as fans have absolutely no idea. If they crush the Aztecs, then ND could easily end up with 8 or 9 wins and a good bowl berth, as no one they play this year - excluding USC of course - is too too much better than SDSU. If they struggle, then it could be like '07 all over again. ND definitely has talent, but they are young, so its tough to come up with a projection of how their season will go. Judging by the spread (22 points!) Vegas seems to like the Irish. If Vegas likes 'em, that's good enough for me.
Cincinnati at Oklahoma (-21.5) - 3:30pm - Cincinnati is the textbook "up-and-coming" team. Last year, the Bearcats came out of nowhere to go 10-3 and win their bowl game. We all know OU's story, but did you know that Cincinatti averaged 36 points last year? Did you know that Cincinatti was one 5-point loss to WVU away from winning the Big East and going to a BCS bowl game? This could very easily turn into the game of the weekend, and no one is really talking about it. But true college football fans will appreciate this game. Not only that, but Big East pride is at stake here. For all of the talk about the pathetic showing by the ACC, many (myself included) failed to mention that the Big East was unable to register a win over a 1-A opponent last week. I think Cinci keeps it closer than the experts think.
Ole Miss at Wake Forest (-8) - 3:30pm - Very, very interesting. Ole Miss is another team that is ready to take that next step toward being a contender. With new coach Houston Nutt, and Texas transfer QB Jevan Snead under center(and doesn't that just sound like the name of a guy that should be playing college football in Mississippi? How many flip-haired, tie-wearing young Mississippians do you think you encounter on a given Saturday afternoon in "The Grove?" 20? 50?), the Rebels looked great last week against Memphis. I think they can surprise some people this year in the SEC. Wake is my pick to win the ACC, but being the best team in the ACC is like being the tallest midget. As we saw last week in Atlanta, a middling SEC team is at about the same level as a top-tier ACC team. This should be a close game, so I'm taking the Rebels.
Oregon State at Penn State (-16.5) - 3:30pm - Another interesting game. Oregon State has been on the verge of taking the next step and becoming a real contender in the Pac-10 (10-4 in '06, 9-4 in '07) for at least a couple years now, in as much as being a "real contender in the Pac-10" means staying within 3 touchdowns of USC. They took a huge step back last week as they were beaten by a surprising Stanford team, and now they travel to Happy Valley to take on Penn State. The sane Nittany Lions who hung two-thirds of a hundred (doesn't have the same ring as "hangin' half a hundred, but oh well) on some hapless team from Carolinas last Saturday. It is impossible to glean anything about the Penn State from that game. Personally, when a middle-of-the-road team from a power conference plays a middle-of-the-road team from another power conference, the spread should not be more than 2 touchdowns. Take the points.
West Virginia (-8) at East Carolina - 4:30pm - Perhaps no team is brimming with more confidence than the East Carolina Pirates, who knocked off Virginia Tech last week. East Carolina, another up-and-coming team, could also have a slight edge in coaching here. I was not a big fan of the hiring of Bill Stewart at WVU after Rich Rod bolted, and Skip Holtz has done a great job building a respectable program at ECU. This is a very difficult game to predict, because again, its tough to gain any information about a team when they spend their first weekend pummelling a 1-AA team, as the Mountaineers did. Stewart favors a more pass-happy offense, and yes Pat White threw for 5 TDs last week, but that was against Villanova. How is he going to do against a better defense on the road? I'll reluctantly take WVU, but this should be an interesting game.
University of Miami at Florida (-21.5) - 8pm - This used to be such a big game. Now the only intrigue surrounding this matchup is the trash talk before the game, and the provocatively dressed women in the stands. Miami is improved over the last couple years, but they are still light-years behind the Gators.
NFL PREVIEW: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Greetings, Jags Fan! Or should I say, greetings, fantasy football honks and people who are desperate for a non-Colts non-Patriots AFC champion. Actual Jacksonville fans number in the dozens, at least on the Internet, because people in Florida's Panhandle just got an Internet last week, and that was just for the supremacist Web sites. (Now, now, Jags Fan. Put down the shooting rifle and call off your dog Skeeter. We're just having some fun here.)
This year's Jags team is a sexy pick from many prognosticators, in that they are young and physical. They also are just downright adorable, really, in that since no one actually knows anyone from Jacksonville, it's a team without rivalries, or even any significant amount of hate.
Seriously, who hates on the Jags? The Colts don't hate them, because they've beaten them down routinely. The other teams in the division hate the Colts. They were swapped out of a division when the league went to four per conference, so their developing nastiness with the Steelers and Ravens got short-circuited. Carolina, the other expansion team that came in with them at the same team. plays in the other conference. Tampa and Miami, the other teams in the state, rarely if ever play them. Frankly, other than Tom Coughlin and Byron Leftwich, there might not be a third person in America with Jag Hate.
Getting back to the field... there's no really good reason why their offense should be better, for only one reason: there's no way that David Garrard can go an entire year with fewer picks in a season than some other quarterbacks have in a game. No matter how accurate he is, and how well the Jaguars manage the game with slow pace and an outstanding running game, he's going to throw close to 10 picks this year, just from tips and bad bounces. At least.
The Jags tried to upgrade last year's questionable wideout corps by importing... questionable new wideouts (Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson, come on down!). Hey, if you can't get quality, go for quantity. Keep an eye out for Marcedes Lewis, the tight end that started to assert himself in last year's playoffs, and the eternal danger that is Maurice Jones-Drew in space. But, well, everybody knows what makes the Jags go, and that's the running game.
Will this be the year that Fred Taylor finally acts his age? Probably not, because the Jags are spectacular about managing Taylor's carries, but he could always succumb to the groin issues that plagued him in the 20s. But the real threat here, at least from a fantasy honk perspective, is fullback Greg Jones, their best short-yardage threat and a Zach Crockett-esque figure of menace to the short touchdown runs. He was hurt last year, and if you have Taylor or J-D, you want to see him get hurt again. Fast.
On defense, they might miss Marcus Stroud, the defensive tackle and name (well, at much of a name as you can get in Jacksonville) that moved on to Buffalo in the off-season. So long as they can suite up Paul Spicer, they should be fine... and the linebackers are good, though downright anonymous. In the secondary, beware the presence of William James, who Eagle Fan knows far too well. You won't like him.
Any other worries? A few. If Garrard goes down -- and he hasn't been the sturdiest quarterback in the league -- the franchise is in the hands of Cleo Lemon. That ain't good.
If they don't break through on the road in Indy in week 3, doubt will have to creep in that maybe they are never going to break down the door.
Houston is scary good, and Tennessee made the playoffs last year; there isn't an easy game to be had in this division, and the out of division games include some nastiness with Pittsburgh, Green Bay and Minnesota. They could easily be a better team with a worse record... but I do think that Manning will be a little dicey at the start of the year, and if the Colts two defensive stars (Sanders and Feeney) aren't 100%, they'll get push around. Hard.
Prediction: 11-5, first in the AFC South... and a playoff loser when they get into a shootout. I like them and their talent, but you still just get the sense that if someone plays their A game against them, they don't have the talent to match.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
DAUNTE CULPEPPER'S RETIREMENT GETS GUFFAWS, NOT HUZZAHS
by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field
Daunte Culpepper has kind of proved that the weakest link in a would-be cause célèbre is usually the célèbre.
There should be some outrage that the NFL season is starting tonight without a quarterback who could be starting for a few teams and helping out a few more as a backup. Instead, there's this:
"I would rather shut the door to such 'opportunity' than continue to wait for one of my fellow quarterbacks to suffer a serious injury. Since I was not given a fair chance to come in and compete for a job, I would rather move on and win in other arenas of life."The most that's going to get is some self-righteous snickers and a string quartet of very small violins.
So be it. Culpepper and Randy Moss, and not just to someone who drank the Purple Kool-Aid, coulda-shoulda been this generation's Montana-to-Rice. Laugh all you want, but they were that good.
Instead, we're supposed to believe that no NFL team could use a 31-year-old quarterback who's one of the top-10 rated passers in league history, and had the fifth-best single-season rating in 2004, a year when Moss was limited by an injury.
The Kansas City Chiefs are starting the BFC, as Brodie Frickin' Croyle. The Chicago Bears have Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman. The 49ers are seriously going to start J.T. O'Sullivan, who probably thought he'd be out of work when NFL Europa folded. What a joke.
Who knows, maybe it's possible that Culpepper will have a change of heart and try a comeback. The Vikings quarterback before him, Randall Cunningham (OK, there was Jeff George in between, but that memory's been mostly suppressed, thank you, Electroshock Therapy), had a year out of football. He returned and ended up being the NFL MVP.
Not to veer straight in to Bill Simmons-style gushing fanboyism, but it's almost like the 2000 Vikings were cursed. There was 41-donut in the 2000 NFC title game, Robert Smith walking away from football, Korey Stringer dropping dead and the break-up of Culpepper and Moss.
They should have been a combination for the ages. Instead, it's as if they paid the price because for good and ill, Culpepper and Moss, where they came from, how they carried themselves, represented what America is really like, maybe a little too much. By some stroke of luck, they each landed on the Vikings -- after other teams with higher draft picks, like the Chicago Bears, viewed Curtis Enis and Cade McNown as superior offensive talents.
Granted, it's not for nothing that 41-donut happened right around the profoundly depressing 2000 Florida recount. It's taken eight years, but with Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen Vikings fans are finally saying Yes We Can, albeit in typical understated fashion. (And with the full awareness that another 8-8 record is just as likely as playing deep into January.)
Now the quarterback is out of football at 31 years old and Moss is catching passes from darling-of-corporate-America, supermodel-schtupping Tom Brady with the New England Patriots. It would be infuriating, if it wasn't helping Moss win over Pro Football Hall of Fame voters and the Patriots passing game wasn't so gosh-darn entertaining to watch every week.
They always said Satan would look attractive.
(No doubt everyone has seen the Vikings/Obama video by now, but what the hell. It's too funny that Sen. Barack Obama is actually a Bears fan.)
THE AFTER PARTY
Tiger Woods Speculative Second Child Baby Names
With fans and TV friends like these, there's no happy medium
Are The Cubs Headed Back to Loserville?
Travis Hafner's Fantasy Football Team
Brock Lesnar's a little crazy
Predicting the NFL Season, Team by Team
Why those Gene Upshaw memorials should make you go Hmmm
The 10 Hottest Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders
An Open Letter To Giants Fans
Charles Barkley Rap Nike Commercial
The Hoff is a University of Arizona fan... great...
Vince McMahon pisses off a video gamer
Skateboarders are determined
Top Eleven Michael Phelps Olympic Quotes
Mike Modano's hot wife promotes her new movie
THE CHIEF'S NFL POWER RANKINGS!
by The Chief, Hugging Harold Reynolds
That's right boys and girls! It's back and better than ever!
This first edition of the 2008 Power Rankings has lots of hope and sass and a whole lot of faith.
Enjoy!
Oh yeah...
Click the image to enlarge the image, Trig.
(Too soon?)
BASE JUMPING FAIL #43,302
by DCScrap, on 205th magazine
You know what the worst part of a video of a guy base jumping only not having his parachute open properly is? That he escaped with just a broken leg.
SKATEBOARDING FAIL #322,932 & #322,933
by DCScrap, on 205th magazine
Lord love the skateboarder. Without him we could not feel as superior as we do or have the hours of entertainment that we enjoy.
BAD FAN?
by Brian P. Foley, The College Baseball Blog
Am I a bad fan if I decide to stay home for my college football team's home opener?
The remnants of Hurricane Hanna is expected to be in the Boston area on Saturday afternoon messing around with the Boston College home opener against Georgia Tech. This means that I will be chilling in a freaking monsoon on Saturday afternoon with tons of rain gear on over staying at home watching the game on the television.
Would you rather sit in the comfort of your living room or be at the game in person? Which would you rather do?
I will be at the game on Saturday and will report on how freaking wet I will be after the monsoon but lets hope that the stadium doesn't get blown down like the Arizona State practice bubble.
THANKS FOR JARED ALLEN: THE 2008 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field
(Editor's note: Neate is Canadian. That's why he misspells offense and defense. He does it on purpose to annoy us Yankees. Stop emailing. Thanks.)
Writing the Chiefs preview is like being the guy at the office who always puts his name down to bring napkins to a potluck dinner.
Someone's gotta do it, right? It wouldn't do for you to be walking around for the rest of the afternoon with bits of Monte from Accounting's 5-Alarm Chili and the lasagna brought by sneaky-hot Laura from Payroll on your lips. People would be laughing at you as you passed by, kind of like everyone is laughing at Kansas City, which is starting Brodie freaking Croyle at quarterback while Daunte Culpepper, four years removed from a 4,700-yard passing season, sits by his computer waiting for some general manager to e-mail him.
The Chiefs, by every conceivable measure, are on a road to nowhere. You know it's bad when ESPN.com's season preview misspells Branden Albert's (it was spelled Brandon) and Glenn Dorsey's (Glen) names. At least Tony Gonzalez is still there.
Good god, Tony Gonzalez is still there.
Pass offence
Contrary to what people are saying, Brodie Croyle is a franchise quarterback. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, that franchise is a Denny's.
Dwayne Bowe could at least be a fantasy sleeper, because really, who else on this offence can catch the ball? Albert is going to be a good left tackle, some day.
Tony Gonzalez is closing on becoming the most prolific tight end in NFL history. And if you're coming to Epic Carnival to read that, man, you must not disappoint easily. We're more about the funny, hopefully.
Run offence
Larry Johnson is detoriorating at about the same rate as the blocking group in front of him. An aging feature back and a sketchy O-line; one of them you might be able to live with, but not both.
Pass defence
The Chiefs had their first Pro Bowl defender in nine seasons last year, sackmeister Jared Allen, and they traded him to the Minnesota Vikings (my Minnesota Vikings; wanna fight about it?). They were a mediocre 21st in average yards-per-pass allowed (don't be fooled by the fact they only allowed 189 yards per game; opponents don't have to throw much to build a big lead against K.C.).
The coverage could get better if the Chiefs do end working out a trade with the Philadelphia Eagles for Lito Sheppard. As it stands, their three cornerbacks include rookies Brandon Flowers and Brandon Carr. Veteran Patrick Surtain is over 30, so he's not long for Arrowhead Stadium.
Run defence
At least Glenn Dorsey is going to get a chance to shine in the interior of the D-line, although good luck competing for Defensive Rookie of the Year in the AFC on a team that's a mortal lock for a double-digit loss total and will be in the bottom third of the league defensively.
Special teams
Kansas City's long snapper, J.P. Darche, is French-Canadian, and his brother plays in the NFL. He's one of only a handful of Canadians in the NFL who actually played his college football in Canada, at McGill in Montreal, where he captained the football team at the same time his brother captained the hockey team.
Nick Novak is way too cool-sounding a name for a kicker, but he put Jay Feely out of work, so he's got that goin' for him, which is nice.
Coaching
Herm, Herm, Herm ... (Herm Edwards opens mouth to speak; muscled henchman wags finger at him suggesting it would be a bad idea) Herm, Herm, Herm ... bet you wish you hadn't leveraged a way into a better coaching job a few years ago and got stuck with this team, although you might be able to ride it out long enough to be around for the resurgence.
It could be a long year in Kansas City. Jason Whitlock is already licking his lips in anticipation of the Chiefs bottoming out spectacularly and landing Ball State quarterback Nate Davis with a high draft choice. He might get his wish.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
NFL PREVIEW: ARIZONA CARDINALS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Greetings, Cardinal Fan! Of course, that's a theoretical greeting, in that I know you don't really exist. Given the decades of utter incompetence you've suffered at the hands of the Bidwells, and the fact that the only creatures that are actually originally from Phoenix hail from prehistoric times, we all know the score. You all come to the games because you are rooting for your old town teams, or because you just really do love seeing the occasional pro team when they come visit. Now, let's delve into those familiar lovable clowns in the home laundry, before you all have to go head off for the 3pm dinner special down at the best restaurant in town (i.e., the ones where you can get both kinds of mashed potatoes, lumpy or runny).
Offensively, the Cardinals are intriguing and overrated, because they provide Fantasy Goodness at the Wide Receiver level, enough touchdown opportunities in short yardage to make people think that Edge James is still a football player, and the continuing Quarterback Carousel of old with flashes and a care whether he wins or loses (Kurt Warner) and young and trustafarian (Matt Leinart). In a deep enough draft, you'll be calling a Phoenix resident six times, almost as if they were a real live team.
Because of this, many people are convinced that the Cardinals are always On The Verge Of A Breakthrough, because dammit, the NFL is all about some terrible team rising through the rubble and making the playoffs every year. The problem is that this betrays a fundamental lack of perspective about what they are (and yes, you can cue that evergreen Dennis Green rant here)... a team that can put up big numbers against bad teams, or rack up some points when the game is in Garbage Time... but one that can't score when it actually matters, and doesn't take enough care of the ball to get over the hump.
Cardinal Fan needs to enjoy the Fitzy and Boldin show while they can, since the money and reality of today's game is that they won't have both of them for much longer. Boldin, the more possessiony of the two, spent the summer agitating for a deal. There is no clear #3 to step up and take his place, so expect the Cardinal passing numbers to take a hit... next year, just in time for the running game to be a hair better. That's life in a treadmill, folks.
The end-of-playing life issues for Kurt Warner present another mixed bag. His accuracy is strong, and he'll give you the occasional 400+ yard day that will make everyone sit back and remember The Greatest Show On Turf days in St. Louis. (He's also a great Draft Low and Sell High candidate: move him around Week 4, and you will have gotten the best moments of his season and the most satisfaction when he falls apart later.) But he'll also hold on to the ball too long and fumble when hit. Last year, the man supplemented his above average interception rate with eight fumbles, and he wasn't even the full-time quarterback.
Adding to the trouble is the running game. It's a chicken and egg of suck, in that Edge James doesn't seem to have a burst left, and the offensive line can't seem to create any hole that isn't from a surprise draw. Maybe Tim Hightower comes to save them from themselves, but this is a franchise where old running backs come to die (Emmit Smith, James) while young ones go on to have careers somewhere else (Thomas Jones, Michael Pittman, Garrison Hearst).
On defense, the Cardinals are always athletic and usually out of position. The linebacker of record is Karlos Dansby, who can put a hurting on people in coverage. The secondary has a couple of reasonable pieces in Adrian Wilson and cornerback Rod Hood, in that they normally worse he second slot. But again, they don't get the stops they should, even when the other teams in the division are routinely terrible.
The schedule does not favors. They get the NFC West and AFC East -- 10 games where they should be just over .500, but the last six games get them the NFC East (not helpful at all, really) and Minnesota and at Carolina. It's not good, it's not bad, but at least three of the last four are at home, when the desert temperature should prove a huge difference.
But when you put it all together, what you have is another season on the treadmill for the Cardinal. If it were my team, I'd give Hightower every chance to take the job from James, have Leinart killed in broad daylight in front of the younger players to give them a powerful object lesson as to the dangers of pissing away your career, and hire armed thugs to go through the stadium and pound on people wearing enemy colors, so that in another 10 to 20 years, we might have something approaching an actual homefield advantage.
But if I were to do all of these things, I couldn't possibly be Bill Bidwell, part of the rich manure that has provided three cities of Cardinal Fan with plenty of motivation to go find another team to root for. Just like their spiritual brethren in other sports (the Clippers in the NBA, the Rangers in MLB), the presence of this noxious owner means that the fish is stinking from the head down. See you next year, Cardinal Fan!
Prediction: 8-8, 2nd in the NFC West.
LIONS AND TIGERS AND THE BEARS ARE CRAP
by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer
Because Shooter, the lil'est Carnie, will keep banging his wee fists on my door at Manse EC and preventing me from enjoying the latest offering offering from the Exotic Hooker of the Month Club (This Month: Incestuous Irish), I'm going to finish this Chicago Bears preview I stupidly agreed to do. The lesson here? Never agree to anything while watching a double-jointed mother-daughter team from County Cork.
The Bears are the same team they've been for the entire decade: Great defense, unspeakable offense. So long as defenders, especially DT Tommie Harris, stay healthy, they've got a puncher's chance every week. A weak puncher with lousy reflexes and a glass jaw, but a puncher's chance.
Really, I'd like to end this preview here. It's better for all parties involved to simply ignore the Bears' offense. Pretend it isn't there, hope the defense and special teams can score enough points and enjoy a kielbasa.
But, the special teams may not be as special. All-world returner Devin Hester is supposedly the #1 receiver after the Bears top two receivers from last year left for greener pastures. Hester is incredible with the ball in his hands and it makes sense for the Bears to get him as many touches as possible, but he was drafted as a CB because he failed as a receiver at Miami. He was a lousy cornerback and it's hard to believe he'll be more successful as a receiver in the NFL than he was in college. As he's probably most valuable as a return man, expecting him to also serve as the #1 WR may wind up hurting both the offense and the special teams.
Of course, it probably doesn't matter whether Hester plays receiver because unless he's taking the snap from center, the Bears don't have anybody who can get him the ball with any consistency. Cheering the hearts of neckbeard wearers everywhere, Kyle Orton was less terrible than Rex Grossman. This is a net loss for football fans because Orton fails in much duller ways than the Sex Cannon.
On the other hand, not playing leaves Sexy Rexy more time for the chicks. Rex loves the ladies and the ladies love Rex.
Hey, Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo, you've got two terrible quarterbacks. You think maybe you want to give Dante Culpepper a call? Chris Simms? Surely there's some heretofore unheard of Detmer brother who can suck less aggressively than these two.
The offensive line is a mess and the projected starter at LT, first-round pick Chris Williams, has to undergo surgery for a herniated disk in his back. There is some disagreement as to whether the Bears knew about the injury prior to the draft, but suffice to say that "back surgery" are two of the last words a 312-pound man wants to hear. Also on the list: low fat, sugar-free and buffet closed.
In 2007, they traded Thomas Jones, their best running back, and kept the far inferior Cedric "Merman" Benson. Benson got cut this summer after a couple of drunken incidents, which seems a silly reason for the Bears to cut anyone. You'd drink too if you played in this offense.
Rookie Matt Forte, from that noted football powerhouse of Tulane, is now the starter at running back and he's evidently been something less than the second coming of Purple Jesus. But as the only other option is the other Adrian Peterson, it's Forte's job. Yippee.
Jesus, this is depressing. That's it, Shooter. I refuse to think about the Bears any longer. Stay away from my door while Siobhan and Sorcha do their thing with a six-pack of butter-flavored Crisco and a rolling pin or I'm going to put all your cookies on the second shelf where you can't get them.
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